Guilt

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…

I had a burst of energy, and no cramps, so I got out of bed.

I found the fairy lights.

I took down the old burnt out lights and put up the new LEDs, and now the living room looks prettier. The new lights are purple, not blue. I like blue better but the purple will do. We’ve had a hard time finding blue LEDs this year.

I also organised a pile of stuff that needed to go back out to the storage unit, and cleared a spot by the front window so we can put all the curly willow from the wedding into one pot and create our curly willow christmas tree.

I took frequent breaks, and after hanging the lights, I had to take a nap before I could finish the rest of what I’d started. But I felt deeply accomplished in what I had done, and smiled at the living room as I lay on the couch.

When my husband got home, we went looking for rocks or stones at the local craft store, so we could secure the curly willow in one vase. I think though that we’re going to have to use more plaster and find a way to secure the branches so they don’t fall over again.
We also went to Radio Slack and got more memory for our camera.

And when we got back home, I washed most of the dishes.

That’s a lot of work for someone who was just bedridden hours earlier.

But the truth is, I was feeling better. I was antsy. I had to get out of bed. Both during and after such a productive afternoon, I felt guilty for my burst of energy and health. I felt guilty for having taken a second day off work.

Early this morning, I was in no shape to go to work. I was in a lot of pain – lower back pain and pelvic pain. And I was still bleeding a lot.

And with the type of work that I do, I can’t just say ‘okay I’m feeling better, I’ll just go in and clock a few hours at the desk’. It doesn’t work like that as a nanny. I am either there or I’m not there. There’s no coming in late for half day with that kind of job.

But even when I did have that kind of job, I still felt guilty for feeling better. I’d go into work and management would see me and wonder why I was late. They had no idea that hours earlier I was in crippling pain, shaking and pale from the blood loss. And because I knew management was judging me because of my tardiness and absences, I felt guilty, even when the truth was and is, I AM NOT AT FAULT.

It is WRONG of me to feel guilt over something as lovely as being pain-free for a couple of hours.

When the pain does return, it won’t be because I was active. The pain will return regardless of whether I was in bed or active.

The guilt needs to stop. I need to stop worrying about being judged on account of having an incurable debilitating illness. Those who would judge me for being pain free and happy for a few hours in the middle of my cycle – they are not worthy of my attention, much less my caring, worrying or any emotion. They are not worthwhile.

Say it with me now…
I am not guilty. I have no regrets. I did what I wanted to with the time that I had to enjoy pain-free. I am content. I am okay with my actions. I have no regret.

11:20pm Edit: See? No need to feel guilty. The gushing clotting blood and pain has returned.

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