On missing work, being judged, and ultrasounds

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I worked a total of 14 days out of 20 work days in November. I missed 6 days (1 week) of work in November. However, 3 of those days off were not because of me – the family had the time off work and so didn’t need me to work. I only missed 3 days of work due to complications from Endometriosis/ovarian cyst. Had the holiday not been in there, I’d have worked 17 out of 20 work days.

So far, for the month of December, I have not worked yet.

I don’t like to schedule my life around the Endometriosis – I want to be able to make plans and keep to those plans if at all possible. However, for the second time this year, I’ve had a child care employer tell me that they need to know days in advance if I’ll be in or not, as this impacts their own jobs. Since I don’t know even hour to hour if I can work or function when the Endometriosis flares up, I was forced to take more time off work than I wanted. This was so that the employer could hire on a substitute, and told me to return to work on Friday, once I was sure I was feeling better.

So I was not back to work yesterday or today, when normally I would have been back to work by now.

I understand from the viewpoint of an employer why they need to do this. I’m not bashing them. The problem I have is that because they have me take off more time than I would normally, they turn around and end up giving me the hairy eyeball over missed work.

Were it my call, I’d come in for as long as I needed to each day. That means if I only get in an hour or four on any given day, at least I’m showing the employer that I intend to work. That way, I could say I worked more days in a given month all told.

In the childcare field, however, it’s more stressful on the employer for me to do this, than it was for employers at any of the desk/retail/factory jobs I ever held.

The end result of having to take so much time off is that I feel guilty, faulted, suspect, unproductive and lazy. I feel guilty for going out of the house, even though I’m feeling better. The immediate world around me after all expects me to be ill, so if I go striding out the door and I’m not visibly ill, I will be judged.

I’m not being paranoid about this. I’m not overreacting. This happened last year. I was actually judged.

I was bedridden on November 6 and November 7, 2007.
On November 8, 2007, I awoke feeling crappy, but dragged my ass outta bed. Things subsided over the course of the day, then got worse again, and I took a Darvocet for the pain. I went to the local tea house that afternoon, and a friend who works there as a barista looked me up and down and said, “You don’t look like you have girl do0m…”, which left me feeling angry and hurt, feeling guilty and suspect.

So I’m not just talking outta my ass or imagining this stuff, and I’ve ranted before in general about having to cave to other peoples’ planning expectations.

Today is my radiology appointment. It’s a followup ultrasound to see if the ovarian cyst is growing or shrinking. I took the entire day off because #1 I wasn’t sure a few days ago if I’d be well again and was told they had to know NOW if I’d be in or not, so I said FINE, NO, DON’T SCHEDULE ME, and #2 they don’t want me working only a half a day. It’s the whole day or nothing. Since I’m not going to reschedule important things such as this appointment for any employer anymore, I took the whole day off so I could go to the radiology appointment.

I don’t hold my breath that I’ll find out anything immediately. I think I’ll probably be made to wait until my doctor calls me with the results. Therefore, I’m slated to go back to work tomorrow.

Today I woke with searing low and mid back pain, and nausea. I’ve been nauseated all day so far. I’ve not wanted to eat much as a result. Nausea is another side effect of an active ovarian cyst. Yesterday and for the past week, I’ve been dizzy upon sitting up or standing. My Qigong/Chi Nei Tsang practitioner tells me that’s low blood pressure.

Great. Wonderful. :(
Cuz low blood pressure, along with nausea, are on the list of “when to go to E.R.” for danger signals of ovarian cyst.

I’m really quite nervous.

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