Still not getting it

Apparently I won’t learn to take better care of myself anytime soon…

I was still an anxiety case and not tired at all during my last entry, so I took a teaspoonful of codeine cough syrup to make me drowsy. I figured since it had an expiration date of 2007 on it, that it would be a weak sedative at best. I figured it was more a psychological crutch than anything.
I was wrong.
I woke from a nightmare as my husband was readying for bed sometime after midnight. I had been babysitting a child – the parents came home from their night out and they were drunk. Instead of payment, they gave me all sorts of infant toys they’d just bought, and slurred drunkenly at me about their time out that night. I thanked them for the toys and eventually was able to bring them round to the topic of payment. I told them what my hourly rate is and even decided to state a range in case they were not so flush with cash after their stupid shopping and drinking spree. The mother paused, looked at me nearly cross-eyed, and stated I’d have to talk to her husband, as she did not have any cash. So I phrased the same to her husband. He went from smiling drunk to the look of belligerence. His tone became cold and he stated that he just didn’t have ANY money to pay me with, that they’d just bought me all this stuff…
Oh sure I see, now I’m an ungrateful bitch. Okay, nevermind, well I’ve got to go! Be seeing you! And I made my way out the door with a forced smile and bid them goodnight.
I got out to their driveway, which was more like an unkempt alley with bumps and potholes. The alley bordered a muddy grassy area along an old rickety wooden privacy fence. In some places, there was no longer any wood – instead I saw the metal fence, and behind it some more homes (this actually exists – not outside of the crazy family’s house but behind the converted warehouse space our friends live in. We’d just seen them Saturday night).
I looked for my car and became panicked when I didn’t see it in the spot I’d left it a couple of hours earlier. I walked up and down the alley looking for my car, and on my way back I found it – my car had dropped into a sinkhole! I hadn’t even heard this happen! Some of the wooden and metal fencing had fallen down on top of my car in the sinkhole, and my car looked to be in bad shape. I wanted to melt down right there. I tried calling my husband but got a wrong number. I tried again and reached him but he seemed indifferent to my problems. It was an effort to get him to come pick me up.
Next thing I knew, a crew was on the scene raising my car from the sinkhole. Dunno if I’d called them or neighbors did, but neighbors had come out to watch. I talked with a neighbor about how a policeman had just told me I could sue the adjacent property for lack of upkeep and maintenance on the land on which my car had been parked. Turns out the property was a big house converted into many apartment units, and the person I was talking to not only lived in that property as a tenant, but owned it. So now he was tipped off to my intentions and he brusquely walked away from me.
I can’t remember if I started to walk home after inspecting my car and deeming it a lost cause for the moment, or if my husband finally arrived to pick me up. The neighborhood had now turned into the neighborhood I lived in during early childhood back in Michigan.
I can’t remember much about the dream during this phase. I know I ended up back at our house, which was built on stilts at the top of a cliff overlooking a large body of water.
Next thing I remember is being in the house with my mother and brother present, and the house begins to shake. I look out the window and see multiple tornadoes coming in off the water. I try to gather everyone but I can’t find my mother or my husband. My brother is slow to the news at first, but picks up on the urgency and danger and starts looking for shelter with me.
The dream ends with the house exploding from the force of the many tornadoes. We all die.
I watch the remainder of the dream as a viewer rather than participator. A neighbor in the area is picked up by one of the twisters and flies through the air, down the hill to the neighborhood below, where he is set back down and takes off running down the street in panic.

End dream.

Dream influences:

The crazy family: I had an interview earlier in the day on Sunday with a crazy family, so this is how they entered into my nightmare.

My husband being difficult: this is a result of me having my husband stay home last night from his Sunday night game night on account of me having had a real breakdown earlier in the day. He clearly did not want to stay but I lectured him about constantly being out with his friends for gaming conventions and impromptu game nights on top of his Sunday night thing, because he’s neglecting housework and post-wedding duties that sorely need to be wrapped up (post-wedding meaning we still haven’t gone through our hardcopy photos to assemble into albums for us and family.

The house on the cliffs: the home I work in through the week is up at the end of a steep hill with a view of the ocean. It takes only about ten minutes to walk down to the cliffs overlooking the ocean, and it’s been raining for the past week. I’ve been enjoying watching the storms come in off the water. Although in California, “storms” means simply, “light to moderate rainfall”.

Tornadoes: for me tornadoes in dreams always mean big change is coming. I already know I’m losing my job in two weeks. What change beyond that is coming just makes me more uneasy. Examples of change in my real-life past from having tornado dreams: moving to California on a few weeks’ notice. A boyfriend suddenly breaking up with me and ordering me out on threat of harm to my cats, after we’d spent five tumultuous years together.

9:30am update: More ants in the kitchen right before I had to leave for work early this morning. They’re still finding ways to come down from the interior walls behind the cupboards.

I hate life right now.

2 Responses to “Still not getting it”

  1. Foxy

    I am shocked that I’ve only just discovered your website! Thanks so much for getting in touch with me. I can’t believe the agony you must go through every month! I have had three laparoscopies and strongly susupect that if you manage to get one early enough in life, that the endo is easier to clean off the bowel, uterus, bladder and everywhere else we tend to get it. You are another fantastic example of someone who would benefit from the NHS (National Health Service). I can’t tell you how lucky I feel to have left the US when I did! I started with endometriosis symptoms when I was 12 and wasn’t diagnosed until I was 34. Luckily that included surgery and scans and Mefenamic Acid (a strong anti-inflammatory) and other treatments for my other conditions which include PCOS and Insulin Resistance. I think the way I’ve managed to stay sane throughout all the agony and suffering is to focus on the positive.

    I’m sorry. I appear to be rambling again. Just you look after yourself and know I’ll be reading your blog regularly from now on.
    Foxy

  2. steph

    No worries on not finding me til now! It is only in the past 2 months that I set up and created this blog. I have been in the process of porting over blog entries from my old website, which I didn’t advertise before, and had never linked to the endometriosis community. So that’s 3 years of posts I successfully ported over to this blog. It’s not that you somehow missed livingwithendometriosis.org/steph – it’s just that it didn’t exist until recently. ;)
    I’m working in my spare time to get many more years also added in so I have one giant record for reference.

    I too will be paying closer attention to yours and others’ blogs, cuz we all have to stick together and be a strong united front in continuing to battle endo and autoimmune disease.