Endometriosis and intimacy

Today is Day 8 or 9 in the new cycle, which means I am likely ovulating. It explains why I was receptive to intimacy last night, for sure. That’s one very sad fact about women with endometriosis – interest in intimacy becomes dull or nil over time because of how much pain we’re always in. So I take advantage when the moment strikes.

I had 12 pain-free days in October, and miraculously 5 of them were consecutive. However, that was mitigated by the fact that I was sick throughout October, leaving me with a total of 4 days total in the month of October where I felt healthy and fit, and sure that I would not pass any sort of virus to my husband, since I work in a school, where children are natural germ factories.

So in dealing with being sick all month, I had zero interest in being intimate. I forced myself to be in the mood on the eve of our one year wedding anniversary. No penetration actually took place, either, but at least I made my husband happy. So unless I forgot to record it on my calendar, we were only intimate ONCE in all of October, our anniversary month.

Both of us were emotionally crushed when george showed up ON our anniversary, but I think actually my husband was mad and disappointed. In a depressed voice with shoulders and head bent forward, he asked quietly if he could get a rain check as soon as I was feeling better. GUYS, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT ASKING SUCH A THING IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY TO A WOMAN WHO IS ALREADY SUFFERING EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

And so I was the one who was crushed – traumatised even – that I allowed all the stress and chocolate-eating to catch up with me on such an important day to us, because I felt for sure that my husband would stray, ESPECIALLY in light of his fecking “rain check” comment.
Even though we’ve been together for eight years, it was the first thought in my head; “Now that we’re married, it’s different, we didn’t want for it to be different but there are in fact different expectations, now, and he won’t be able to handle me in this new role of culturally-defined expectations.”

An acquaintance, who was having marital troubles from the start, once told me that once we got married, “Everything changes. It will be different, you’ll see.” And she was not saying this with a smiling congratulatory face. She kept saying, “I’m serious. It all changes.”

Well now I see one way in which she was right.

I was suicidally depressed for the week following menses, and part of it had to do with having taken a lot of vicoprofen. Part of it had to do with being overwhelmed by all the homework I’ve had for one class for work, part of it had to do with the amount of light in the day being drastically reduced throughout the month of October (stupid earth rotation), and part of it had to do with my husband CONTINUING TO ASK ABOUT THAT RAIN CHECK every couple of days.

The “rain check” was cashed in last night – a full week after menses stopped, because of the major depression and the homework and full time work schedule…and well because my body was ready for intimacy again.

So far, six days into November, we’ve been intimate once. I have to try to find ways to kick up the intimacy again, and remember to record it more diligently for posterity. It looks like March was a record month, as we were intimate five times.

I need an aphrodisiac I can take like a supplement. Too bad anything on the market right now billed as aphrodisiac is actually a scam.

The most sexually charged I’d ever been on a continual basis was when I was taking anti-depressants.

However, I also went even more insane while on anti-depressants back in 2000.

Zoloft made me clinically schizophrenic inside of 11 days, so I was put on Paxil, which dulled all emotions except the desire to hump anything that moved.

The problem with Paxil is that it also gave me akathisia, which in turn led to further suicidal ideation – the very thing I went on anti-depressants to stop.
While on Paxil, the emotional part to the suicidal ideation was removed. That means I was now TOTALLY FINE with going ahead with various ways of killing myself, because I no longer felt conflicted over it!

I had enough wits about me to realise this, and got off Paxil and onto Celexa.
But Celexa didn’t do much for me and I got off of that, too, finally firing anti-depressants for good a year or so later.

The gym remains the only viable solution that I can think of for the intimacy thing, except that I’m only pain-free enough to get into the gym a few precious days a month. But it’s worth a try, isn’t it?

Everything’s worth a try, to convince myself and others that I’ve at least tried, before the full weight of insanity bears down on me and I wink out.

November 9, 2009 Edit:
My husband and I had a record weekend of intimacy – Friday, Saturday and Sunday! Things got off to a rough start on Saturday when he once again asked to cash in that “rain check”, and I had to put him in his place, reminding him we’d already been intimate on Friday, so THAT was his damned rain check. He now knows never to use those words again, and why. I dressed up for him anyway, though – that is the part of the “rain check” he’d wanted – all because he’d seen some nice shoes I’d brought with me back on our anniversary weekend, and got some fanciful ideas in his head as to what I would be wearing to bed. When in reality, I just threw a bunch of clothes and nighties together along with the shoes, to go with whatever mood would strike me.

Anyway…

Yesterday after our intimacy, the cervical and pelvic pain began. It’s still with me today. I have moderate low back pain as well. I feel like I’m getting another infection. I hate this. THIS is a big reason why I avoid sex – if I’m going to constantly get infections, why bother being intimate? It’s not the condoms – they’re latex-free now, and I even get this same pain if I pleasure myself.

Time to Wait And See if the pain goes away or gets worse.

3 Responses to “Endometriosis and intimacy”

  1. Helena

    You may want to try the herb Damiana. It helps with anxiety and is also an aphrodisiac. I find it to be very gentle, calming, and generally makes me feel happier and more intimate.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turnera_diffusa

  2. steph

    Hm, interesting! Thanks for the info! Where do you obtain this?

  3. Helena

    You can get it at the herb shop Lhasa Karnak in Berkeley. They may have it at places like Whole Foods or other natural pharmacies.