Impatient and frustrated

I’m still convinced the horrible pain I was in last Saturday was a ruptured ovarian cyst, because the bleeding took so long to begin this cycle, and it’s very thick and dark. I slept for about nine hours and woke at 12:30pm yesterday. I was still barely spotting and was not experiencing a lot of pelvic pain. I should have been jumping for joy, right?

Instead, I began fretting over Time.
I was due on Friday. I’m usually on time. Descending to the underworld full speed ahead Friday morning would have meant that by Sunday night, most of the pain and despair would be over with, and I’d have a good chance of returning to work on Monday.

But no. The pain and bleeding ramped up late Saturday afternoon, so that means I have Saturday night and all day Sunday to get this endometriosis cycle out of the way before Monday 8am.

Fat chance.

I hate taking time off work every goddamned month for this illness.

I’ve been fired from two jobs because of this illness, and although I’m assured on the current job that I’m special, needed and wanted despite my illness, I still suffer the PTSD from those two other jobs. One harassed me for months before firing me. One harassed me for a couple of weeks – I quit 2 days before they were to fire me cuz someone leaked it to me.

I hate that I barely make enough money to even try pulling any financial weight around the house. Missing work gives me that much less money to work with. It may as well be babysitting money. I cannot cope with not being able to go halfsies like my husband and I used to do. He assures me it’s fine – that he’s so happy to see my sanity restored by working with kids again instead of in corporate hell. He keeps gushing about seeing all the kids that ran up to the fence Friday afternoon to say goodbye to me as I left work for the weekend. I call them my fan club. ;)

And those poor kids – I currently assist a class of mixed first and second graders. One of their teachers has been out sick for over a month – she’s got something serious and the staff’s not talking much about it. Could be cancer, could be lupus – it’s definitely taken out her immune system and she’s been having surgeries. I spent 3 weeks in that class with the co-teacher, and now I might be out sick for a day or two. The kids can’t take much more upheaval. Some of them were literally sobbing when their teacher came by for a visit Thursday afternoon, they miss her so much.

So it’s pretty obvious then – I don’t like letting people down – and having endometriosis means I will miss work, I will miss parties, I will miss appointments, I will miss out on life. I’ve been meaning to chronicle how many sunny days I lose to endometriosis in a year. It was in the 60s and mostly sunny today, and I couldn’t be out in it to walk around, bicycle, go hiking, because of the pain.
If I can make what I go through as concrete as possible to people, I think that might help quicken the pace towards a cure – more people will demand and fund more research to find a cure for endometriosis.
Education and awareness – it’s a small bit of hope I have.

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