“It’s not fair”

Woke up this morning with moderate low back pain that makes me wince and grunt when trying to move around, and full body joint pain. These are more symptoms that the endo is flaring again and about to take me down.

I’m still super tired emotionally and physically. I still feel weak and now have pelvic pain to go with the joint and back pain. The pelvic pain is about a 3 to a 4 on the pain scale. It is low, dull, achey. The joint pain is about a 5 to 5.5 on the scale. It is nagging and at times piercing.

I took a pregnancy pee test just because, and of course it came out negative.

I have a full week before my period arrives, but with how my body is feeling at this moment, it feels like my period is upon me in the next 36 hours.

I started menses at the age of 14 with a mindset of “this is just how it is for everyone”. Later, when I found out that it’s NOT this way for everyone, I became angry every month – “it’s not fair”. Then, later on in life, by the time I hit my 30s, I began to go back towards the “this is just how it is” mindset, but knowing that it’s just how it is with me.
Now, since January 2010, my brain has gone in a different direction. It’s actually turned into fear and near panic, in a child-like state, whereby this inner child has been crying out “Mama, I don’t wanna go to that bad place again!!! Why can’t anybody help me mama?”
My body and mind have gotten tired of fighting this fight for the past 24-25 years, and it’s crying out – it’s throwing a tantrum – like a bullied child does before school in the morning – “I don’t wanna go! You can’t make me go! Don’t take me there!”

The fact that I’ve been in a tearful emotional state since last night, continuing through this morning, is of course another premenstrual symptom. And once again I’d like to yell in anger to the endometriosis, “I STILL HAVE ONE MORE WEEK LEFT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”

2 Responses to ““It’s not fair””

  1. Rick Olderman

    I’m so sorry you are experiencing this pelvic and back pain and that this may be due to your endometriosis. However, there may be another reason, other than the endometriosis. It might be that you have a rotated pelvis causing your pain. There are muscles that attach to the front of the pelvis from both legs and quite often one side becomes tighter than the other side pulling the pelvic bone forward relative to the other side. This creates pelvic and SI joint pain as well as back pain. I wrote a blog about this as it relates to sciatic pain which you can check out if you like. Otherwise, I’ve also written a book, Fixing You: Back Pain, which talks about this. If it is a rotated pelvis, it can be corrected fairly quickly and easily using the TFL & Quadriceps Stretch from my book. I wish you luck with this and feel free to email me if you’d like to discuss it further.

  2. Nicole

    I’m so sorry :( I am going through this too… *hugs*