WTF!!!

I am INSANELY mad that the pain has returned!!!

My husband and I were walking through the gate to our friend’s condo for movie night tonight when I was suddenly doubled over in stabbing uterine pain. The pain is tending towards the right side of the uterus. It doesn’t feel ovarian, but the right ovary is where I had a lot of pain a week before my most recent period.

The pain stabbed me all the way to my friend’s front door. It was hard to walk – every step felt like I had something trying to rip my uterus from its hinges.

Once we got inside the house and I sat down, the pain went away. Every time I stood up, the pain returned within a minute or a few minutes. Stabbing death – enough to take my breath away and make me double over again.

After watching a couple of movies, we stood up to bid our friend good night, and talked for awhile. The pain took longer to come back – I was not on any medication all night. I had it ready to go but never took it cuz I was fine as long as I was sitting. When the pain did hit me again as we stood talking, I doubled over again. The pain has been constant ever since. I’m home in bed on Tylenol 3 with a heating pad on my pelvis and on my lower back.

I am going through the usual pointless questions: was it the one piece of chocolate I ate right after work? Was it the large hip circle exercises I was doing this evening before we went out? Did I lift a grocery bag the wrong way at the store on the way to our friend’s house? Was it the fact that I hadn’t eaten a proper lunch today – only protein bars?

Most if not all of us endo women go through this insane questioning. After 24 years of this damned illness, I really am done with the constant line of questioning everything I do or ingest as cause of immediate following pain.

Honestly, I’m in pain because that’s just how the endometriosis rolls. Seriously. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Your in pain because that’s what the illness does to you. Just because. It’s growing like a cancer inside of you. That’s just how it is.

I will get a second surgery. I know the endo grows back. I hope every waking day that my eventual menopause will end this nightmare.

In case anyone wants to suggest I get a hysterectomy…
I can’t get hysterectomy because I have endo on the bladder. Taking the cervix, ovaries and uterus won’t remove the endo on the bladder. Putting me on HRT after hysterectomy will continue to flare the endo on the bladder.
Oh and there’s that other small issue of me going completely effing insane and suicidal every time I’m put on hormonal treatment.

So don’t even talk to me about hysterectomy, unless you want attitude shoved down your throat, and doctors, don’t tell me I must like being in pain, unless you want your nether regions ripped out by my bare hands and shoved down your throat.

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