I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Today, my own hormones are doing a number on me. I am full on with surging rage.

I was awakened by the recycling truck using its backup sirens for too long, and then idling with its rumbling engine in front of my home. Then the cramps set in – about a 4 on the scale. Then I was journaling and had another flashback to doctors who have pissed me off over the years and that just threw me into a spiral. My heart began racing and I wanted to kill the nearest thing, which happened to be my cat, who was licking plastic bags again. Don’t worry, I didn’t kill her, I just took her bag away. That cat can find any plastic bag or cover in the house. She simply walks away from one confiscated item and finds new plastic to lick. I swear, if she gets tumours, I’ll be sure it’s from all the xenoestrogens she’s licked up off of all the damned plastic bags over the years.

I ate some cereal and took 600mg Ibuprofen, but I’m still restless. Thankfully the pelvic pain has not ramped up, but the pain in general is radiating from my pelvis all the way down my legs to my ankles.
It is rare, but it has done this before. Usually the pain only goes to my knees. It is a dull ache – it feels like I have bicycled for 10+ miles. My hips, thighs, upper legs, knees, calves and ankles feel strained and swollen. My legs are restless, twitchy and painful. I’m drinking water and tea as though I’m trying to ease the dehydration – but I know that it’s not dehydration. It’s just part of what endometriosis puts me through.

I am REALLY tired. I went to bed around 11:30pm last night, but I did not sleep well all night. I kept having more strange dreams and nightmares, and I had to keep getting up to pee (welcome to having a period). The only nightmare I remember was tornado like conditions happening outside. The wind was blowing fiercely and banging things around. The sky outside was dark grey and brown, and the air was brown because of all the dust and dirt flying around. This is California, near the San Francisco Bay, so these conditions are not reality.

According to DreamMoods,

“Tornado

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.”

Well, I did get into it with my husband for the past two days over chemicals in the house. His hairspray (Rave) woke me from a dead sleep and rendered me disabled for half the day on Monday. And on Tuesday, he berated me after I began choking when he used the Trader Joe’s lemon scented kitchen hand soap. I thought we agreed to stop using it – I should have thrown it away. I washed my hands with the orange scented dish soap and he said, “And yet you’re okay to use that stuff.”

I read off the short list of natural ingredients to him, had him TRY to read the long list of chemicals in the lemon soap, and then put it in no uncertain terms that he can either accept that I have chemical sensitivity or we can re-evaluate our relationship, because if I have to move out, I will.
That shut him the hell up.

I then informed him that I want this household to be scent free in the next 12 months, which means his hair products especially have to go. I told him I ordered him some unscented hairspray from NationalAllergy.com, and that we’ll have to work on finding scent free hair gel and other stuff. I reordered scent free shampoo and conditioner, and I’ll have him try it out. I already have scent free liquid soap (Dr. Bronner’s) in the bathroom shower, I’m going to make sure that’s available in the kitchen dispenser as well.

*big sigh* Yeah I’m just a pretty picture, aren’t I?

Oh, and the bleeding that started off bright red yesterday? It turned into dark, sticky brown discharge, and continued on like that all day. And it went away overnight! It returned this morning, but as a shadow of itself from yesterday. I expect by the end of today, there will be actual flow happening.

In the meantime, I’m distressingly tired (also welcome to having a period), but I cannot go back to sleep because the brain weasels are in full force today. I’ve got unwanted thoughts and memories returning to my head – stuff dating back 9 or more years. It’s totally unnecessary.

I’m going to take a No-flush Niacin, get some housework done, and try to start on my homework.

If the brain noise does not abate, I’m going to take one of my husband’s xanax pills (they’re leftover from the last time we had to get on an airplane).

1pm update: The brain noise abated and I was able to take care of the clothing issue in the bedroom. That occupied me for about 4 hours. There’s just not enough room because two drawers are taken up with framed pictures that I had to put away because the wall space has to keep going away to make way for upward storage in this small place. So my clothes – clean and dirty – have been just being thrown into piles on the floor for weeks, which really irritates me.
I did get creative though, and I did purge some clothes, so it worked out…mostly. Around noon, the menstrual flow became more pronounced, and with that, the cramps began ramping up. I’m at about a 5.5 on the pain scale at the moment. I just ate some leftover pesto chicken and sweet corn so that I can take half a Tylenol 3 with some more ibuprofen.

To make a visual of it, I’m going to use the Allie Brosh Pain Scale – here’s where I’m at on her scale:

I feel like I’m being bum-rushed outta my house by Hades, and I keep pulling back, saying, “Hang on, just one more minute! I’ll be done in a minute! Wait!”

*sigh*

The sooner I acquiesce and go to the underworld, the sooner I can do my time and be done for the month.

Meh. I’m just so tired of this.

1:35pm edit: Hades took me. I’m fully in the underworld, now. OMG it hurts. :(
Six and a half on the Allie Brosh scale, Seven and a half and moving steadily towards 8 on the Mankoski scale. Inner thighs and tops of legs on fire with nerve pain that’s radiating down from the pelvis. I took a full Tylenol 3 and 400mg Ibuprofen. I’m taking another half a Tylenol 3 NOW dammit. OMG.

I remembered that which I’d forgotten in last night’s blog entry – herbal tea.

My acupuncturist had prepared an herbal tea for me to take as part of my treatment through her. I had stopped taking it some months back because I suspected it was making my dermatitis worse. One of the ways my food allergies manifests is through atopic dermatitis – specifically on my left thumb. At my last visit with the acupuncturist, I said I wanted to try the tea again. I said this because I’m freaked the hell out over the endometrioma on my left ovary, and I don’t want the sucker to grow any bigger. I’m willing to take on as many new therapies and treatments as possible – like a hammer to the problem – if it will help.

A dermatologist I saw a year or two ago told me it’s impossible for wheat or any food to cause or agitate the dermatitis on my thumb. He said it is caused by my skin reacting to direct touching of detergents and other chemicals. My argument stands to this day that it is ALSO caused by ingesting allergenic food and drink. I fired that guy after the first visit – I’ve had enough of doctors telling me what they think is going on in my body, when I have repeatedly proven them incorrect. Remember the doctor who wrote off my endometriosis entirely and said I just have IBS? Remember the surgeon who said I don’t have endometriosis – that I only have dysmenorrhea, and so she refused to give me a laparoscopy? Remember all the doctors for years who fought against me asking for antibiotics right off the bat because they didn’t believe I can have an immediate sinus infection? Remember the E.R. doctor who said and wrote in my chart that the only cause for my acute pancreatitis at the age of 21 was because I must be an alcoholic? (the nurse told me the pancreatitis was from doctors giving me Cipro for repeat sinus infections every month for a year). Remember the humiliating experience of having to submit to STD testing because the doctor was sure my husband was running around on me, since that’s the ONLY way I can POSSIBLY have gotten cervicitis? She even tried to counsel me right there in the office about my relationship!!!!
So ah, yeah. Sorry for the lashing out. Guess I’m not ready to forgive people/doctors, yet.

Back to my thumb:
Within 24 hours of starting the tea again, my left thumb, which had been doing well, split open and started bleeding again. It has to remain fully bandaged when it does this, and looks like I have a broken thumb or something.
And of course, I’m being stubborn and still drinking the tea, because I’m sitting here thinking, “well maybe it’s the dish soap I used – it contains orange oil and I’m allergic to oranges.”
I’m still drinking the tea because yesterday my cramps were minimal, and I want to try to keep it that way by any means necessary – even at the expense of my poor little left thumb.

My current treatment plan:

• 1/4 teaspoon endometriosis blend tea in a cup of hot water, 2-3x/day
• My regimen of vitamins and supplements
• Acupuncture every 2 weeks (I want to increase this to every week)
• Massage when I can (I want to increase this to every week)
• Elimination of refined sugar
• Elimination of all dairy
• Elimination of caffeine
• Resumed elimination of alcohol (I’ve had some to drink every now and then since May 2010 but I’ve stopped again because I don’t like how it makes me feel in the moment anymore)
• Continued adherence to No Fly List (I’m still failing on stuff like butter, salt and chocolate)
• Continue with trusted pain medicine cocktail (Tylenol 3 and Ibuprofen)
• Continue with consciousness to posture, correcting gait, and administering large hip circles and yoga pose.
• Keep getting on my bicycle as often as possible.

And yes, I know, I need to get back into the gym, and I need to ride my bike farther than just running errands or going to/from work.

My current surgeon will not give me another laparoscopy until the pain becomes constant and unbearable. She wants to take a wait and see approach to the endometrioma. She says if she goes in and carves the sucker out, another one will just grow back in its place. She knows I don’t want to remove my ovaries because I don’t want to go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, because synthetic hormones make me suicidal (tried and proven twice!).

Today I started one day early. I woke with mild, annoying pelvic cramps, but they faded by late morning.

I was fine til just after 1pm when I was startled to find bright red blood during a trip to the bathroom. Soon after that, mild cramping began again. I took 600mg Ibuprofen to stop the cramps from getting worse, and it worked! Wheee!

Today I was able to accomplish the following:

• 4 loads of blankets – washed and dried
• Dishwasher was run
• Wooden bed desk was washed again (cat peed on it awhile back and I’ve been washing the sucker repeatedly with Nature’s Miracle, Seventh Generation Wipes, Anti-Icky-Poo®, and more wipes – I think I am finally satisfied that it is no longer contaminated. Talk about OCD and germ/filth phobia!)
• More Montessori homework accomplished
• Bathtub scrubbed with Borax and hot water
• Cat puke scrubbed from runner by front door
• Cat litter exchanged (I accidentally bought the scented version and suffered the chemically sensitive consequences)
• Back of photo album soaked in Anti-Icky-Poo® – this didn’t work out so well – the back of the album held up perfectly, but the stench and filmy residue are still there. There are two or three photo albums that the cat peed on in recent months. They’ll just have to be replaced.
• Blankets folded and put away
• Bed stripped and new sheets/blankets/pillow cases applied

That is a whole HELL of A LOT of stuff to be physically fit and able to do on my first day of my period, let me tell you!

Sometimes it just goes like that. I’ve not been doing anything differently – I still ate a lot of chocolate right before my period. I still ate lots of cow and goat cheese. I still drank lots of caffeinated coffee and tea with lots of sugar.

I did see my acupuncturist on June 24th, and on June 26th, I got a massage from my friend who is now a licensed masseuse. Even so, given my decades-long history with this illness, I don’t think acupuncture and massage are what allowed my cramps to be minimal today. Sorry gals. I truly think my illness behaves as it wants to behave, when it wants to.

On June 20, I noticed that I’d become lax in taking my calcium/magnesium pills, as well as my evening primrose oil pills. I noted the constant back and joint pain I was in, and said I’d resume my supplements. Within 48 hours of writing that, I went out and bought a new bottle of calcium/magnesium, and began taking it twice a day with a Vitamin D3 pill for better absorption, and I resumed my evening primrose oil pills along with the Vitamin C and zinc and other supplements I take.
The back and joint pain eased up immediately and profoundly!

As I got closer to menstruation, my mid back began tightening up, as it always does. This puts strain on the lower back, and then it becomes hard to stand up straight, or even sit up straight, for that matter. My massage was great on Saturday and helped loosen the back, but I messed it all up later that night by wearing a corset too tight, and my back went into spasm.
For the last three days since then, my back has alternated between being fine and wanting to lock up from the mid point down, because it’s going into protective mode like it always does every month before I menstruate.

So today the back pain was moderate. I took 600mg of Ibuprofen tonight when I got out of the shower. As I lay there on the newly made bed to cool down after my hot shower, my mid back began to spasm again. It was more of a twitch but a thickening of the muscles, definitely. Not the charlie horse type back pain I was in on Saturday by a long shot, but I could tell my back is definitely out of sorts.
(fun fact about me: hot showers, hot baths, hot tubs, hot pools – it has to be hot – it’s the best thing next to sex).

Oh – today is the first day I was able to get through the day without the following:

• Coffee
• Caffeinated tea
• Raw sugar to sweeten anything
• Cow or goat cheese

It’s not to say I didn’t suffer – it was a difficult day! I did eat two protein bars which contain chocolate liquor (but no sugar!), but I did not directly eat chocolate candies today. The two bars I can stomach the best are Brownie Crunch and White Chocolate Chip, though they do leave a bad aftertaste – probably because of the Malitol. I eat these things not to lose weight but because they’re the only gluten free protein bars that do anything to keep my energy up and stave off hunger for a bit when I’m at work and my only moment to catch a break is during the kids’ lunch hour. I used to eat Belgian Chocolate Organic Food Bars like nobody’s business, but the stores near me stopped selling the chocolate ones. Nowadays I eat almost as many BumbleBars as I do ThinkThin bars, but the BumbleBars don’t keep my energy up or my appetite at bay long enough.

Before I forget, I have been having a lot of strange dreams, lately. I don’t know if it’s the full moon (it was full on Saturday, June 26) or what, but the dreams are crazy.
…or not… I just looked up my dream about having lice the size of crickets in my hair, and this was the translation I got:

To see lice in your dream, signifies frustrations, distress and feelings of guilt. You may also be feeling emotionally or physically unclean. Alternatively, the lice my represent a person, situation, or relationship that you want to distance yourself from. You may be feeling used or taken advantage of.” DreamMoods.com

Fascinating! I was feeling used and taken advantage of!

Alas, I couldn’t get any insight into my dream about my dad’s right leg having to be amputated – the dream site only discusses the meaning behind the dreamer having her own limbs amputated.

*shiver* at least the lice thing is sussed out. When I woke this morning, I decided I would not continue to be angry with the Chi Nei Tsang lady, and I would not continue to feel taken advantage of by her. I put it right by taking matters into my own hands and ordering the supplements I need. I will do my own cleanses from now on if I deem those detox supplements to be of benefit again. This will only be my second time doing the cleanse, so we’ll see how it goes.

Alrighty, I’ve taken a total of 1,200mg Ibuprofen today and the pelvic cramps were quite minimal (I’d say a 2-3 on the pain scale. Right now is the first time all day that the nerves have begun to start their little dance down my inner thighs, so I’m just gonna high-tail it into bed and hope I wake to another minimal pain day tomorrow.

I really really wanna do a Steph’s Mythical Underworld photo shoot to illustrate from my mind’s eye my descent into hell each month. Even though I’m in minimal pain, I’m still at the gates to the Underworld. It’s not pessimism by any means. I know what I mean and that’s all that matters. ;)

Ooo – another thing before I forget. A few things…

Tonight I tried pesto instead of cream sauce and the result is that I have indigestion and I’m burping a lot. What’s in the pesto? It’s Trader Joe’s brand and it contains basil, sunflower oil, potatoes, olive oil, grana padano cheese (pasteurized cow’s milk, salt, rennet (animal), egg proteins), pecorino romano cheese (pasteurized sheep’s milk, salt, rennet (animal)), cashews, salt, pine nuts, lactic acid, garlic.

Well dammit, it could be the potatoes or the egg proteins or the cow’s milk or the sheep’s milk. Since I have a renewed war against me courtesy nightshades, which I thought I outgrew in childhood, I’m going to blame the potatoes and the egg proteins for the indigestion and burping. How ’bout that. Glad I only got the 6oz jar.

Another item to mention – I’m trying to consciously correct my gait, my posturing while standing and sitting, and how I move my body when bending forward for anything. I’m trying to stabilise my core region in the hopes of easing up some of the pelvic pain I suffer. I really should be back in the gym – I haven’t gone in well over a month now.

I thought there was one more thing but it’s gone. Good night!

I know people need to make a living. I know there’s a food chain, even and especially where it comes to health care and caregiving.

Knowing this about people doesn’t mean I like or condone their actions.

Ever since being officially diagnosed with endometriosis, I have been seeking out alternative health remedies for my illness, because the surgery did not provide pain relief.

The biggest pet peeve I have regards what I call information hoarders.

Here we are, women suffering horribly with an incurable, debilitating disease that we were born with, and all we want is to find out what we can do to ease our symptoms.

Someone comes along and says, “I have found the secret to what works best and my pain is GONE! Click here to BUY my online book for just $23.95!” No snippet of remedies or anything, just trust this individual and buy the book.

Others come along and hawk their Nattokinase and Lycopene supplements, insisting that for only 49.95 you can CURE endometriosis!
Well get this, buddy, FIRST OF ALL, there is no cure for endometriosis. SECOND OF ALL, I am allergic to tomatoes and nightshades! Take your Lycopene and shove it!!

And yet others will come to you as well meaning, caring, alternative health practitioners. They promise to ease your pain, but really they are promising to rob you blind!
Take for example the “Clear Passage” people – they are using half-assed Chi Nei Tsang and charging people $5,000 to travel to them for a week of treatments! The cost of travel is NOT included in their fee!
I got their brochure awhile back because they’d refused to list any prices on their website. Once I saw the pricing in the brochure, I saw red.

And now, the whole point of today’s rant – it had to have a prehistory to lead up to this, but this week’s “winner” for bringing out the rant is the Qigong/Chi Nei Tsang practitioner who got back to me the other day and sounded urgent for me to come back in for treatments again.

What I didn’t tell you was that she wanted to charge me three times what she was charging me previously. She says she’s changed her sales up and now the detox treatment has to come bundled with two Chi Nei Tsang touch treatments, for a total of $325.

I talked with my husband about it. We looked at my bank account and looked at our joint account (which is supposed to be for my schooling). We couldn’t find the extra money for the treatment. My husband said he didn’t feel comfortable ponying that amount of money to this lady, when he doesn’t believe her previous treatments have helped me. I argued the point, saying I hadn’t seen her often enough to know for sure, and with that, should I also stop seeing the acupuncturist, because I sure as shit haven’t experienced pain relief from that, yet. Or should I increase the visits to these people and see how it goes for a few months?
My husband remains doubtful that I will gain pain relief from these treatments. I called the Chi Nei Tsang lady back and left a message letting her know I could not do the package deal, sorry.
I told my husband however that I refuse to stop seeing the acupuncturist, and that she and I have an open dialogue and are trying to figure out the best continued treatment for me, AND she is keeping her pricing affordable to my situation.

The Chi Nei Tsang lady called me back and offered her condolences, and said that if I still wanted to come see her in the future, she could give a discount. She didn’t offer anything for the here and now. She didn’t offer to cut out the Chi Nei Tsang sessions and only give me the supplements for the detox diet. I began to suspect her so-called caring and sincerity.

So I decided to find a way around the Chi Nei Tsang lady’s road block. She’s previously given me the ingredients list of the detox diet, now all I have to do is hunt the ingredients down, right?
I found a few old bottles of supplemental pills that still have not reached their expiration date. Looks like I could buy some vegetarian pill capsules and fill them with clove for example, like what I’m seeing in the bottles.

I examined the bottles closely.

Well look at that! I thought I’d examined the bottles before and hadn’t seen a web address, but this time around, I found a web address! I think I’ll check it out!

And lo and behold, the entire detox ingredients list is to be found, supplemental pills and bulk tea treatments and all – FOR HALF THE PRICE I WAS BEING CHARGED – on a website called Self Health Resource Center (http://www.shrc.net/).

Again, ladies and gentlemen, my pet peeve. Here I am, trying to get honest advice and treatment for my debilitating, chronic pain, and instead of being told to check out a website called Self Health Resource Center, where I can buy some supplements, I am instead given the idea that she works with some supplier somewhere only for practitioners such as herself, and that I can’t get this on my own, and more to the point, she blatantly marks up her prices to make a profit off of MY suffering!!!

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT!

Now, here’s a thing…
That website is also known as “The Original Dr. Hulda Clark Products Manufacturer.”

Who the hell is Dr. Hulda Clark?

Apparently she was a quack and a charlatan!

You can read about her here, here, and here.

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

Why is my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner, who supposedly is schooled through the Chi Nei Tsang Institute (http://www.chineitsang.com/cnti/Welcome.html), buying products from another school of medicine, so to speak?

I looked up the person who founded and runs the Chi Nei Tsang Institute – his name is Gilles Marin. I have always taken issue with this Gilles guy, because in the detox diet instructions, there is a recipe for 7 Vegetable Soup, where it says, “This is an old family recipe that has been passed down to Gilles’ grandmother from her grandmother who was the witch-doctor of her native village from Southern Provence in France.”

Riiiiggghhhht. I wanna see a genealogical workup on this guy.

Instead, I will look him up on the Internet.
Gilles Marin has written a book called Healing From Within With Chi Nei Tsang.
This book cites “The Cure for All Diseases” by guess who?

Hulda Clark.

wonderful.

I was also curious as to whether Gilles Marin shares my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner’s idea that I have manifested my own illness – that it’s all my fault that I have endometriosis and other autoimmune disease. I wanted to know if she learned this from him or if she thinks this independently of him.

According to an article on Open Exchange, Gilles Marin is quoted as saying, “The spirit revolts in an attempt to bring us to our senses, in a fit of rage or act of rebellion, sometimes without a cause or apparent rational meaning. This rebellion can manifest in our behavior but also as physical symptoms and illnesses. From this perspective most chronic illnesses are an attempt from the spiritual body to make us pay attention, heal, and change. These illnesses are healthy reactions to unhealthy situations. Without such reactions from our spirit, we fall off the way (Tao) that serves our life purpose. Enthusiasm disappears. When we live a dispassionate life, there is only senseless depression with its inner message saying that since we are not enjoying life, we don’t deserve to live!”

So let me get this straight. I began having chronic urinary tract infections from early childhood. I started my period late, at the age of 14, and from the very first year, I was in debilitating pain, often vomiting from the pain. But it is I who brought this upon myself? I caused endometriosis?

Gilles Marin also talks on the Daily Om about negative emotions creating disease. Again my argument stands – my illnesses came to me in utero, assholes.

So now here I sit, knowingly just having spent money last night on the Dr. Hulda Clark website to obtain the same supplements for far cheaper than my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner was charging me for them, and I have to wonder:

When I went on the detox diet in November, 2008 – did my 4cm ovarian cyst shrink back to 1.6cm within a month because I was taking those supplements, or because my body just naturally began reabsorbing the cyst?

I can’t really do a control test – I can go through another month of the supplement detox diet, and then ask for another ultrasound in August to see if my ovarian endometrioma has gotten any bigger, but the thing is, an endometrioma on the ovary is NOT a regular ovarian cyst. It’s a mass that doesn’t reabsorb.
But it can’t hurt to see if the growth is staved, right? My GYN and my primary care doctor both say there’s nothing I can do about the endometrioma but watch it to see if it gets any bigger.
It grew .5cm in a 36 day period. Gods knows how much bigger it’s grown since the MRI on May 27th.
Once it gets to 5cm, I need to go get a cancer test. Which will of course come out flagged, because I have endometriosis, which always sets off a flag on the CA 125 test.

My choices are:

1. Sit back and wait (i.e. do nothing)
2. Modify my diet again NOW
3. Start the detox supplement diet in addition to modifying my diet.

I am going to choose #2 and #3.

And I’m also going to practice calming the hell down and forgiving all these damned charlatans out there for using me and abusing me.

I had my little three-day pity party, and now I’m ready to formulate a new battle plan.

Friday night I hung out with my husband and our friends, and we had game night. I drank two vodka drinks that night. I got a buzz but did not get drunk. I ate a lot of chocolate covered espresso beans and cheese. I was in ‘screw it’ mode with regards to my diet. I felt like nothing I do makes any difference – my body is going to continue to be diseased – so why not just live my life the way I want to, and eat the junk I want to eat?

Well, Saturday morning I found out why I can’t do that.

When I woke up, all my joints were aching, and I had a new round of pelvic pain going on, and my breasts were so tender that I wanted to cry. I knew the culprit was firstly all the caffeine and secondly, the booze. I know this because Tyler knows this I have direct experience with noting how my body reacts to caffeine and to alcohol.

However, the brain weasels were still invading en force on Saturday (yesterday).

I went to my friend for a massage (she is trained!) and had a lovely session with her. I started out wanting to cry my eyes out, and my voice was very shaky. I ended up with a lovely state of relaxation that carried me through the next five hours. Alas, the brain weasels are a strong lot.
However, as I was going out the door last night, a co-worker called and asked me if I’d like to share a hotel room with her for the next training class on July 5. I was confused as to the dates, and so she called her mom (who runs the school I work at).

Get this – I thought my next class was this coming week, but it’s not! It’s not until NEXT week! Hooray! I was soooo stressed out about getting all my homework done from the last class, and now I have another week to do it. My co-worker told me not to stress, that I actually have all summer to get my homework done. This jives with what two other co-workers have told me. But the teacher I had for this last class was telling everyone the homework was due June 21, and I was all stressed to hell that it was late already. So glad I have more time. And on top of it, now I have a room to share instead of footing the entire bill for a room myself. Commuting down to Sunnyvale had been quite a bitch last time. Getting a hotel room is much more preferable.

As I was saying, I was on my way out the door. I went with my husband and two friends to see Concrete Blonde’s 20th Anniversary Reunion concert last night (OMG it was so awesome!!), but I was still such a spaz that I felt I needed a drink. I would have taken a half a Tylenol 3 were it not for the fact that I’d left my medication in the car. So I drank to quell the brain weasels, instead. I only had one drink – Mount Gay rum with club soda and some lime. It was godawful but that’s the best the bartender could come up with outside of corn syrup-infested alternatives. I should have just had the rum neat. Ah well. It did its job in the end.

I wore a corset to the show last night, hoping it would stabilise my back, because I always get bad back pain when standing at concerts.

The corset didn’t help. So there I was, in moderate back pain by the middle of the show, and I didn’t have any meds on me, and I didn’t want to drink any more booze in case the back pain got worse, or even worse, in case the pelvic pain returned.

On the drive home from the concert, my mid back began to spasm. I laughed hysterically and kept saying, “at least it’s not pelvic pain, this is actually manageable!” I tore at the corset strings and ripped the thing off, and dug my hands into my back to try to work out the spasm. Things didn’t calm down until I got home and smooshed my back to a tennis ball to the wall and rolled on it to try to work the blood flow in the back.

A TMI note – I was intimate with my husband and right afterwards, the pelvic pain kicked up. I need to note this because I am clinically diagnosed with dyspaneuria, and now I’m ever aware of the cysts on my cervix thanks to the latest MRI report. There was a tiny bit of blood in the vaginal discharge after intimacy. The nerve pain began immediately – first a tiny tickle near my cervix, then fringing out slowly to a burning sensation inwards, radiating throughout my entire pelvis. I reached about a 4 on the pain scale, but I did not take meds because I’d had one rum drink earlier in the night.

Today I’m going to review the list of inflammatory foods, and resolve to cut out sugar and ALL dairy (including goat milk) from my diet. The Budwig diet however calls for yoghurt, so I dunno what to do with that, yet. Maybe I’ll make an exception and just have goat milk yoghurt in the diet and keep the restriction to no cow’s milk anything, no bottled goat milk, no cheese, etc.

The point to the new battle plan is that I want to try to stave the growth of the endometrioma on my left ovary.

Wish me luck. The last time I cut sugar out of my diet, I had an emotional meltdown from the withdrawals.

First the catchup stuff:

June 20 was the worst pain day for shoulder, back and neck strain, then it became at least bearable for the rest of the week in through today.

June 22 – I was at Costco around 8pm when suddenly I was doubled over with right side stabbing ovarian pain. The intermittent stabbing lasted for over an hour and made me double over several times. It took the breath away from me. I did not medicate though. Also, I had low back pain all day – I felt very stiff.

I’d like to mention that I’ve also been having diarrhea after meals, lately. Even and especially with safe foods. It could be stress from everything. I dunno. I just need to note it, because normally I’m a very constipated person. I wish I could remember when it started, but it’s been going on for at least two weeks – usually one or two episodes a day.

Within the past five days, I have resumed taking two to four calcium/magnesium pills per day. This of course is not helping with the diarrhea.

June 23 – Yesterday – I was still experiencing left and right side ovarian stabby pain. It was still intermittent. My lower back was hurting a lot. It was hard to straighten after sitting or bending. Still having diarrhea. Also, I had my followup appointment with my new GYN (Giudice), and we went over the MRI results.

The appointment was about a half hour and was rushed because my GYN needed to be on a plane to some conference. I was originally scheduled to come in at 11am, then the day before, it was moved to 10am, then to 9am.

She quickly went over the MRI results with me and hit the big point – adenomyosis. She told me that based on the image, there is not any thickening of the inner uterine walls, so that rules out adenomyosis. YAY!

She told me I still have the chocolate cyst on my ovary, and said it is indeed an endometrioma, but she totally acted nonchalant about it, and said we’d continue to just watch it. She said she has no intention of going in and doing surgery just to remove that chocolate cyst, and she doesn’t see why I need another endometriosis surgery, either. She urged me to keep trying physical therapy and alternative health remedies and pain management instead of going the other three routes: hormone therapy, seizure medication, surgery. She referred me to the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine, across the street from her UCSF campus. I went and checked it out – they have a bunch of services I can get where I live and not stress the hell out by being stuck in traffic across the Bay Bridge, and then navigating the crazed lunatic streets of San Francisco. Thanks, I’ll pass on your lovely center.

I got home yesterday afternoon and before scanning my MRI results into the computer, I read over the report.

This is where the emotional wall collapsed.

The GYN didn’t think it necessary to mention that the chocolate cyst on my ovary GREW by .5cm within 36 days. I wasn’t sure how fast or slow endometriomas can grow, so I looked it up and it seems that endometriomas can grow very fast within a short period of time. In that regard, I think .5cm might be considered slow growth.

Fast or slow – it doesn’t matter – the sucker is growing.

I’m not used to dealing with an endometrioma. I have experience with ovarian cysts. This is new territory for me. It’s scary.

The GYN also didn’t find it necessary to tell me that while I don’t have adenomyosis, I DO have several small cysts in the liver, one small cyst in the right kidney, and several cysts covering my cervix.

WELL. I had a brush with high liver enzymes in 2008, and all the Tylenol 3 I consume takes a toll on my liver and kidneys, doesn’t it? I have been experiencing nausea and left flank pain well above the ovary ongoing throughout this month. I have been having diarrhea. I have had ongoing elevated temperature, reaching as high as 99.9°F.
All this time I attributed it to the ovarian cyst, but could it be from the liver cysts?

On top of all that, I have a recent history of cervicitis, and well, my cervix is everted, so why not add some cysts?

I looked it up and found that cysts in the liver and kidneys are not caused by Tylenol or medication, but in fact are often congenital and coincide with autoimmune disease.

Guess who has autoimmune disease?

I called the GYN office back and asked for clarification of the MRI report. Then I called up the Qigong practitioner I thought I wasn’t going to see anymore, and left a message for her. Then I called my local doctor’s office and got an appointment for today.

The GYN office called back after hours, bless their hearts, and the GYN’s assistant told me that the cysts are all nothing to worry about. She told me to follow up with my primary care doctor if I wanted to, though.

Today I did just that, and the primary doctor (Fredian) called up UCSF and spoke with a hepatologist in radiology, who looked at my MRI report, and told my doctor that the cysts in the liver and kidney are nothing to worry about, that they’re so small they won’t cause trouble or show up on a regular ultrasound.

However, Dr. Fredian wanted me to stop referring to the thing on my ovary as an ovarian cyst. She told me it’s much more than that – it has some solidity to it. Despite the common name ‘chocolate cyst’, this is actually a growing MASS on my ovary, and it should be closely watched. She told me the difference between this mass and a ‘regular’ ovarian cyst is that this cannot reabsorb.

This of course did not help my emotional state to make the conscious switch from the idea of a benign cyst to a nefarious growth.

The doctor concluded our appointment, congratulated me on not having adenomyosis, and sent me on my way.

My Qigong practitioner called me back today, and I went over the MRI report with her. She got quiet and pondered her words. She sounded cautious. She said I need to do a cleanse ASAP. She encouraged me to keep seeing the acupuncturist, but to try to go every week. She sounded urgent in addressing my health. This added to my anxiety. I got all apologetic and confessional by saying I hadn’t been eating right for a long time. Her voice still soft, she told me something like, “it’s much more than diet, you can’t feel bad about that.” Again my anxiety. Ugh.

But I came home and resumed my homework – I took another teacher training class last week and I’m still trying to finish the binder from that class this week. Yet another class begins this coming Monday.

Later this evening, I had my first acupuncture visit since about May 6th, and I showed my acupuncturist the MRI report, too. I told her of my fears of the liver and kidney cysts, despite what my GYN and primary care doctor are saying. I have all these symptoms – what if it’s connected?
My acupuncturist says it all IS connected, and that she will continue working on me to keep the blood moving (or as I choose to describe it, to keep flushing the lymphatic system). She’d like to see me every 2 weeks if I can swing it, but says every week is not necessary.
She also seemed to get very quiet after reading my MRI report, and also seemed very careful in choosing her words. I’m just a ball of anxiety over this.
The acupuncturist left the room and I closed my eyes to rest while the needles did their thing. The first visual image I got upon closing my eyes was a rectangular hole in the ground, decorated on the outside edges with a beautiful rectangular autumn leaf arrangement. My eyes welled with tears and I threw open my eyes and stared at the ceiling to try to get ahold of myself.

Funerals! Are you serious? Get a grip, woman!!!

The tears were perhaps a release of pent up emotions, and the acupuncture opening channels.
I’d spent the day matter of fact, blunt, even aggressive at times in demeanor. By early afternoon, I likened myself to Starbuck from the 2004 remake of Battlestar Galactica.

But by the time I was in acupuncture session, I was ready to sob.

I got home and tried to resume my homework, but the tears came. I sat there working at the desk as the tears just streamed down my face. I couldn’t stop them, and I refused to allow myself the time to just cry like a baby, because my husband was home, and I hate crying in front of anyone, even him.

I made myself a horrible vodka drink and sipped at it. It was so bitter, it helped stop the crying, heh.

I told you I wouldn’t be handling things well if the MRI report contained anything other than my usual endo issues.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010: spotting turned to flow again. 6.5 on the pain scale. I went to work anyway, and took half a Tylenol 3 and 600mg Ibuprofen. They were really short staffed, so I felt I had no choice but to be there.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010: spotting, intermittent cramps, right side pain.
To top things off, when I got home from work, my cat let me know she’d somehow gotten a bladder infection. She mewed for an hour until I realised she wasn’t trying to get into the bedroom. We usually ban the cats from the bedroom and they love to mew outside the door, cuz they love laying on our bed instead of on the couch or their own catbed. But somehow I came ’round to the idea that she was trying to tell me something, and she was. The poor thing.
I followed her around the house and quickly realised she was trying to find anywhere to pee, but the urine was just not coming out. She glanced up at the bathroom sink. I lifted her up and into it, and she squatted and a trickle came out. Oh my god. I about cried. My poor baby!

 
I took her to the kitty emergency room and confirmed the diagnosis. She was put on antibiotics for a week, and now she’s all better. But boy, what a scare. She’s 14 years old, so any health problem could be a major one; it could mean her time has come. Cats in her family line live to a maximum of 17 years old, so she’s only got up to a few years left with me. Of probably 20-something cats that came from the matriarch from 1992 onwards, only three are still living, and two of them are in my household. The third lived with my Ma until last month – now he’s at the Humane Society, awaiting adoption, because my Ma cannot be trusted to properly care for animals.

Saturday, June 12, 2010: Pulled left upper arm/shoulder while stretching. Pain lasted all week through today.

Monday, June 14, 2010: I began commuting to a teacher training course. It’s a one-week course from 8am to 5pm, and it’s 40 miles from where I live. It takes an hour and ten minutes to get there, and an hour and a half to two hours to get home. I have the same unfortunate route that rush hour traffic takes – both ways. I sit in my go-kart of a car (the seats are low to the floor) for over two hours a day, and I sit in class for 8 hours each day. I’m not just at a desk though – I also have to get down on the floor, sitting either on my knees or cross-legged, stretching over a rug, like my teacher. It is the Montessori Way.
These positions did NOT help with my strained shoulder/back issue, and it certainly doesn’t help that I have congenital chondromalacia patella, so sitting on my knees hurts more than my back, it also makes my knees feel like they are on fire, because they get so inflamed.

 
The other problem I ran into during the training week was that of scented people. I’m not used to having acute chemical sensitivity – it’s only been since September 2009 that this has plagued me so bad – only nine months – so I’m still figuring out how to cope.
Being in class with up to 30 women is a scary thing, because women tend to love scents, fragrances, perfumes. I picked a seat on the end of one of the long tables, and as it figured, one of the scented people in class chose to sit right next to me. The sore throat and headache set in within an hour.
The next day, I chose a seat across the room from this woman. The day after that, I was late to class, and the only open seat left in the room upon first glance was right next to that same woman, and another scented woman.

Not all oils, body sprays, soaps and perfumes have chemicals that are immediately toxic to me. These particular women, whatever they were wearing – the chemical makeup of their fragrance was too toxic for me, no matter how little or how much of the scent they had on them. So it’s not like they were doused in the stuff – on the contrary, it was probably a light tap or spray and most people probably wouldn’t even notice the scent. But the chemical(s) in their perfumes hates the hell out of me – the one with the compromised immune system. Go me.

After Day 1 of class, we were told to clean the tables and tidy up the room. I got stuck with table washing duty, and was handed a bottle of clorox surface cleaner. Of course, I choked and ran to escape the fumes. I had a talk with my teacher, and the cleaner was removed by the next day. She had the students use 409 cleaner, instead. It was a little better, but not vastly. I switched duties with another student and tidied up the curriculum materials on the shelves, instead.

You know, I got back into child care because I had lost my mind in the field of computer software. I had gone to school to be a teacher, not a technical support lackey.
However, the challenge of returning to the field of child care in my thirties has meant dealing with escalating health problems while trying to remain limber and agile, which are the basic requirements for being a preschool teacher.

I find myself in the past year wondering more and more often, “Did I really make a wise career choice for myself?”

Wanting to do something is one thing. My body and health cooperating with this is another thing entirely. But what else will I or can I do for a paycheck?? I’ve never been anything other than a child care provider or a clerk or a corporate office lackey of some sort.

Thursday, June 17, 2010: I was so sleep deprived by Day 4 of the training class that I decided to make a giant mug of caffeinated tea and take it with me to school. This helped me immensely with being able to stay alert and awake for the 8 hour class.
However, by early afternoon, I began experiencing left side pain and ovarian pain. It was intermittent throughout the day. It was Day 8 of the new cycle, so I wondered, is it the caffeine or is it Mittelschmerz? Or is it both?

I had gone for a brisk walk on my lunch hour twice during the week with a schoolmate I’d met during a teacher training course last Autumn, so I was really trying to exercise and work out the kinks in my back. It didn’t work. I was experiencing muscle tightness over my entire body, and at night while trying to sleep, I was getting charley horses in my calves and feet. I was sure I was drinking enough water during the day – I had been bringing two or more bottles of Smart Water (electrolyte water) with me to school each day.
I haven’t been so good at remembering to take my calcium pills – actually I forgot for the entire week. I was only taking Vitamin C and Zinc pills, and occasionally remembering my Evening Primrose Oil capsules. So perhaps I’m deficient in calcium and potassium, and perhaps I’m dehydrated despite what I think was good hydration. It certainly didn’t help my stress level during the week.

Friday, June 18, 2010: The last day of class. I was caffeinated that day, as well. I went out that night and drank some alcohol with my husband. I got buzzed, not drunk. I had a good time and my body felt more relaxed than it had in a week.

However, when I woke Saturday morning, the full body muscle strain was back, and the left side ovarian pain ramped up again. I dealt with the ovarian pain radiating up to my sides and down into the tops of my leg all day, just as I had on Thursday.

Today is more of the same with the ovarian pain. I have been on Ibuprofen and/or half Tylenol 3 pills for much of the week for the pain.
Thankfully, I have a followup appointment with Dr. Giudice this week to go over the MRI report. I can’t wait to get that out of the way.

Each day that passes leaves me wondering if I really should try out the Gabapentin or something similar.
I’ll talk to the doc on Wednesday.

Today, I woke up wanting to cry. I still have classwork to finish. I am expected to put in an appearance at work tomorrow, despite telling them I’d be taking the summer off for the training courses.
I have this week to finish the coursework, and a new class starts the following week. I have three classes back to back to back in July. I’m a tad stressed out over all of this. Each class is college-level intensive – it’s like 11 weeks condensed into one. On top of that, I ended up being partially responsible for taking photos for the class, because the two people who said they would totally flaked, and I panicked, knowing photos were needed, so I began snapping pictures of the demonstrations. Naturally, others saw this and began asking me to share my photos with them. Since we only have a week to assemble the binder, inclusive of 200-something photos from class demonstrations, I began to stress over just one more thing – not letting people down.

So I’m pretty depressed over just about everything right now.

I got the photo thing off my plate by yesterday – all the pix are uploaded and invites sent to classmates to pull down the photos from the web (Picasa). I have an order of printed photos waiting for me at Walgreens.

Now that I’ve made time for journaling, it has helped somewhat. Despite the pelvic pain and shoulder/neck strain, and despite the guilt over not being able to join my husband to help him celebrate with his dad on Father’s Day, I will now start my day and try to finish that damned 3-inch-thick class binder, and begin assembling the summer theme materials to take to work tomorrow.

I’m not working with children tomorrow – my head teacher decided to take off last week during tear-down week. The office already knew I was roped into a class which was pushed up a week. So both of us were gone and our outdoor classroom has not been set up with materials for the summer session. The head teacher is still supposedly AWOL, and the director asked me to come in a few days for a few hours each day to clean up and change out some materials in the outdoor class.
Of course, I said I’d do it, because I felt responsible for picking up for the head teacher’s supposedly unauthorised or poorly-timed absence.

I really really really wish the outdoor classroom head teacher had the freedom to teach in her own style, because the children really are learning and really are excited by her lesson plans. Alas, the parents and teachers and office administration are less than happy with this teacher, because she allows the children and the outdoor classroom to get absolutely filthy. And well, her personality is a lot like a friend of mine back in Michigan – most people just have no clue how to even deal with people like my head teacher and my friend; these two people are on a whole other plane of thought and reasoning. My friend self-diagnosed as Asperger’s Syndrome, and he’s also officially diagnosed as Paranoid Schizophrenic. So, taking his personality and communication style, and seeing how closely my head teacher matches him, I don’t want to diagnose her – rather, I go with how I’ve learned to interact with my friend and apply it to this teacher. Things have worked out for the most part pretty well between us. But I don’t think I can save her from the parents, the teachers or the administration. :(

So I am covering her ass for a few days, for a few hours each day this week, as the children begin summer school. I will see teachers and children, but I am not instructing the children. I am not taking in any pupils to the outdoor classroom. I’m merely there to use what I learned last week in class in trying to set out some materials for summer session.
This is of course a bit stressful in and of itself, but also a good learning experience, no?

I have spent all day today going back through this blog and digging out information for MyMonthlyCycles.com.

Awhile back, I registered with a bunch of symptom tracking websites to try ’em all out. So far, MyMonthlyCycles.com works the best for period tracking, but it’s obvious that the site is there for young women who want to breed, and the site has a lot of limitations to women like me with gynecological disorders who are trying to track our periods.

Despite the limitations, it still seems to do the best report output of compiled data.

Because I have spent all day on this, I don’t feel like rehashing my symptoms here in prose, so I’ll just give the straight up info I’d spewed on the symptom tracking website:

Tuesday, June 1, 2010:
Tylenol 3 at bedtime – partially for cramping, partially for joint pain, partially for brain weasels. This is also the day I had to go to E.R. after going into respiratory distress over an assistant teacher’s perfume. I received 3 shots that day: 1 Benadryl, 1 Atavan, 1 Epinephrine. I slept for most of the day and into the night.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010:
Took 600mg advil before bed due to cramping.

Thursday, June 3, 2010:
Some cramping, nausea, 99.9°F fever.

Friday, June 4, 2010:
My Period – First Day? Yes
Flow: Spotting Flow Color: Brown Clots: none
Comments: Mild cramps – intermittent. Nauseous. Pain around a 4 on the scale. Super tired – in bed by 9pm.

Saturday, June 5, 2010:
Flow: Medium Flow Color: Brown Clots: none
Comments: Spotting turned to flow, then got heavy by nighttime. 7 on the pain scale.

Sunday, June 6, 2010:
Flow: Heavy Flow Color: Dark Red Clots: Medium
Comments: Clots began by nighttime, and I passed a medium one – it took from 10:30pm to 12:30am before it was finally out, and I nearly vomited from the pain. The clot was thick, long. Not very wide. Consumed roughly 2.5 Tylenol 3 and about 1,600mg Ibuprofen for the pain. Had heating pads on all day and night.

Monday, June 7, 2010:
Flow: Medium Flow Color: Red Clots: Small
Comments: Heavy flow in the morning, then medium, then heavy, then medium, then light by nighttime. Took the day off work. Consumed roughly 1,200mg Ibuprofen and 2 Tylenol 3.

I’ve also been having crazy weird dreams and nightmares for the past three or so days – even before I took any Tylenol 3.

I’d like to also note that I have in the past week consumed a lot of cow’s milk ice cream, a lot of mint chocolate candies, and a lot of gluten-free ginger cookies due to out of control sugar cravings.

I have been moderately depressed since my trip to Michigan (May 14 – 23 was the trip), because I am triggered by the horrid housing state in which my mother continues to let herself live in.

Lastly, a note about the weather – I missed out on another gorgeous warm and sunny weekend because I’ve been on the couch since Friday night.

I’ve been going back through the past year of my endo blog in order to get as much detail as possible into MyMonthlyCycles.com, an online symptom tracking tool which will print out nifty data and charts for me to take to my new GYN. My second appointment with her is on June 23, and we’ll go over the MRI results and talk about my treatment options.

In going back through my blog, I found the following, which made me cringe:

“Because I took a new job, I can no longer make my appointment with the gynecological oncologist or my endocrinologist. I had to cancel both because they are during working hours. Of course, they do not offer weekend or evening appointments, so I will be forced to take time off work. I’m going to see if I can get the appointments on Friday, may 29 – the day after I return from our honeymoon.” – April 16, 2009

Earlier this year, I was feeling slighted by someone on the web who admonished me for not seeing a reproductive endocrinologist yet. I wrote, “I’d tried in January and again in April 2009 (last year) to see an endocrinologist. I forget why the appointments fell through.” – January 25, 2010.

When I finally did get in to see a reproductive endocrinologist (in San Francisco) in April, 2010, a friend wrote me to say, “I told you last year you should go see that doctor!”

Of course, the mail conversation we’d had about our doctors was in a shell-based email account that dreamhost was in the process of screwing me out of, and I’d lost my inbox, containing the past year’s worth of email, including the above doctor conversation.

I did see the gynecological oncologist like I said I would – I saw her in August, 2009. I don’t like her personality, her treatment of me on that visit, or her choices for me to consider, so I will not be seeing her again.

I am acknowledging that the delay of a year in getting to a reproductive endocrinologist was caused by me.

It was initially caused out of fear of losing a newly acquired job.

It was secondarily caused by me wanting to see a specialist in the East or South Bay rather than having to cross the Bay Bridge and navigate San Francisco. At this point I tried to see Dr. Adamson and then Dr. Cook, and was told by Dr. Adamson’s office that he’s only treating endometriosis patients who also want to get pregnant. I was told by Dr. Cook’s office that I have to pay out of pocket for all visits, because they’re too good to deal with insurance companies. This of course delayed me further, until I went back to my insurance book and went down the list of reproductive endocrinologists (R.E.) there, and accidentally stumbled upon the one my friend wanted me to see a year earlier.

I had been saying I didn’t know why it took so long to get in to see an R.E., so now I’m admitting it was because of myself.

Mind you, getting in to see an R.E. even a year later than stated goal is better than not getting in at all. I want people to know that even with seeing an R.E., I could continue to live with this debilitating pain for another year, five years, twenty years, etc.

People act like I’ve wasted my time and went through unnecessary pain for a year longer than I should have. People make it out like I’m some dumb hick who doesn’t know better for her own self.

The reality is that the R.E. I saw in April 2010 might not be able to help me, either.

I saw an R.E., okay?

She (Dr. Giudice) offered me gabapentin, which everyone I talk to who has taken it or who has a degree to study it (note: three friends and one biopsychologist), plus many more acquaintances on the Internet endometriosis forums who have been on the stuff…. ALL SAY it turns you into a friggin zombie. And there’s also the fact that it makes you twice than the ‘normal’ population to become suicidal. Which, I dunno if you’ve been following along at home, but I’m already diagnosed Major Depressive and I wrestle with suicidal ideation as par for the course in battling chronic pain for the last 25 years.

Dr. Giudice also talked to me about another surgery, understands that I will not undertake further hormonal treatments because I became suicidal on the last two (yasmin and loestrin), and from there she ordered an intravaginal ultrasound and an MRI to have a clearer look inside of me. She also told me point blank that my refusal to try out further hormonal treatments and my hesitancy at trying gabapentin limits the scope of what she can do for me.

Not getting to Dr. Giudice a year earlier has not shaved off a year of my life expectancy.

I am defensive because of the person back in January who gave me such shit. I am defensive because of all the doctors who continually tell me to Just Try It, despite me being right in every instance that shit won’t work out for me, because my body is so sensitive to “medications”.

I was originally mad at myself when I read my old journal entry today. Now I’m back to just being mad and frustrated in general.

Endometriosis sucks. Immune Deficiency sucks. The Industrial Revolution and Automation and the discovery of how to create Plastics and Chemicals sucks. The 20th century ruined my life. Read Silent Spring, by Rachel Carson. I’ll be glad to leave this poisoned planet when the time comes, anyway. Stupid people for killing the planet. Stupid humans.

…consisted of a bird waking me in the wee hours of the morning, leading me to close the window.

Then it got too warm in the room, so I opened the window again.

Then the bird returned and started chirping again, and I got up again and closed the window.

When I woke up, I looked up the bird call – this bird is called a Vermilion Flycatcher, and I also went outside and had a look – there’s two of them, and they’re female (because they’re brown instead of bright red like the males). This is the horrible sound they make. Just play that on repeat when you’re trying to sleep. You’ll see.

This damned bird chirped all day long on the wires connecting to our house, and on our rooftop.

Sometime around 7pm, the next door neighbor began using a power saw in his garage.
In California, many Victorian homes have the garage right underneath the house – I guess you could say where the first floor would be. Since we live next door in a split Victorian on the ground level, we are ear-level and mere feet away from the neighbor’s garage door/driveway.
The sound of the power saw drove me further insane, and I was paralysed with insanity. I laid there, flopped over the edge of the arm of the couch, trying to stay in that position in order to mitigate my pelvic pain. I began plugging my ears. Then I forced myself off the couch and into the shower.

Ahhhh, a shower. A nice, long, hot shower. It felt very good on my lower back to just stand there in the stream of hot water. After I turned off the water and was toweling off, I felt a tinge of pain and looked down to see a growing puddle of red, and more red streaking down my legs.

Expletives flew from my mouth.

Thankfully I was still standing in the shower, so I was able to just hose myself down again. I was not happy to have to soil my towel, however.

And now the pain is full on again, along with the bleeding. The low back pain is excruciating, and I’m weak as hell. To my detriment, I let the Tylenol 3 lapse, so I just took a whole pill and have to wait up to an hour for it to kick in.

I’m going to go now and arrange for a substitute teacher for tomorrow.

…and right on cue, that goddamned bird has returned at 8:30pm to keep me insane. I’ve grabbed my headphones and will likely sleep with them taped into my ears tonight.

Part of my agitation is that when I am near or on my period, I am hugely sensitive to sights, sounds and smells. I get agitated easily from sensory overload. The other part of the agitation is that being on so much Tylenol 3 makes me very cranky and moody and depressed, which further heightens the sensory agitation.

And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.