Hind sight

I’ve been going back through the past year of my endo blog in order to get as much detail as possible into MyMonthlyCycles.com, an online symptom tracking tool which will print out nifty data and charts for me to take to my new GYN. My second appointment with her is on June 23, and we’ll go over the MRI results and talk about my treatment options.

In going back through my blog, I found the following, which made me cringe:

“Because I took a new job, I can no longer make my appointment with the gynecological oncologist or my endocrinologist. I had to cancel both because they are during working hours. Of course, they do not offer weekend or evening appointments, so I will be forced to take time off work. I’m going to see if I can get the appointments on Friday, may 29 – the day after I return from our honeymoon.” – April 16, 2009

Earlier this year, I was feeling slighted by someone on the web who admonished me for not seeing a reproductive endocrinologist yet. I wrote, “I’d tried in January and again in April 2009 (last year) to see an endocrinologist. I forget why the appointments fell through.” – January 25, 2010.

When I finally did get in to see a reproductive endocrinologist (in San Francisco) in April, 2010, a friend wrote me to say, “I told you last year you should go see that doctor!”

Of course, the mail conversation we’d had about our doctors was in a shell-based email account that dreamhost was in the process of screwing me out of, and I’d lost my inbox, containing the past year’s worth of email, including the above doctor conversation.

I did see the gynecological oncologist like I said I would – I saw her in August, 2009. I don’t like her personality, her treatment of me on that visit, or her choices for me to consider, so I will not be seeing her again.

I am acknowledging that the delay of a year in getting to a reproductive endocrinologist was caused by me.

It was initially caused out of fear of losing a newly acquired job.

It was secondarily caused by me wanting to see a specialist in the East or South Bay rather than having to cross the Bay Bridge and navigate San Francisco. At this point I tried to see Dr. Adamson and then Dr. Cook, and was told by Dr. Adamson’s office that he’s only treating endometriosis patients who also want to get pregnant. I was told by Dr. Cook’s office that I have to pay out of pocket for all visits, because they’re too good to deal with insurance companies. This of course delayed me further, until I went back to my insurance book and went down the list of reproductive endocrinologists (R.E.) there, and accidentally stumbled upon the one my friend wanted me to see a year earlier.

I had been saying I didn’t know why it took so long to get in to see an R.E., so now I’m admitting it was because of myself.

Mind you, getting in to see an R.E. even a year later than stated goal is better than not getting in at all. I want people to know that even with seeing an R.E., I could continue to live with this debilitating pain for another year, five years, twenty years, etc.

People act like I’ve wasted my time and went through unnecessary pain for a year longer than I should have. People make it out like I’m some dumb hick who doesn’t know better for her own self.

The reality is that the R.E. I saw in April 2010 might not be able to help me, either.

I saw an R.E., okay?

She (Dr. Giudice) offered me gabapentin, which everyone I talk to who has taken it or who has a degree to study it (note: three friends and one biopsychologist), plus many more acquaintances on the Internet endometriosis forums who have been on the stuff…. ALL SAY it turns you into a friggin zombie. And there’s also the fact that it makes you twice than the ‘normal’ population to become suicidal. Which, I dunno if you’ve been following along at home, but I’m already diagnosed Major Depressive and I wrestle with suicidal ideation as par for the course in battling chronic pain for the last 25 years.

Dr. Giudice also talked to me about another surgery, understands that I will not undertake further hormonal treatments because I became suicidal on the last two (yasmin and loestrin), and from there she ordered an intravaginal ultrasound and an MRI to have a clearer look inside of me. She also told me point blank that my refusal to try out further hormonal treatments and my hesitancy at trying gabapentin limits the scope of what she can do for me.

Not getting to Dr. Giudice a year earlier has not shaved off a year of my life expectancy.

I am defensive because of the person back in January who gave me such shit. I am defensive because of all the doctors who continually tell me to Just Try It, despite me being right in every instance that shit won’t work out for me, because my body is so sensitive to “medications”.

I was originally mad at myself when I read my old journal entry today. Now I’m back to just being mad and frustrated in general.

Endometriosis sucks. Immune Deficiency sucks. The Industrial Revolution and Automation and the discovery of how to create Plastics and Chemicals sucks. The 20th century ruined my life. Read Silent Spring, by Rachel Carson. I’ll be glad to leave this poisoned planet when the time comes, anyway. Stupid people for killing the planet. Stupid humans.

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