I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The last day of george was February 13. There had been nearly no bleeding overnight from the 12th to the 13th, and then the cramps and bleeding ramped up by 9:30am.
I still went out of the house despite the pain, and an acquaintance helped me return the rental car I’d gotten for the weekend seminar. I came home and took a whole Tylenol 3. The pain radiated down the inner side of my thighs almost to my knees. I was nauseous. The pain reached 7.5 on the pain scale.

This of course proved to be the “last gasp” as we call it – the bleeding and pain abated by late afternoon and then I spotted on the 14th and 15th.

The good news of the February menstrual cycle is that I was not bedridden at all!
The bad news of the February menstrual cycle is that had the pain struck me on a week day as opposed to the weekend, I still would have missed two days of work, because the pain was above a 6 on the pain scale and required narcotic medication to treat.

Eight days later, like clockwork, mittelschmerz (mid-cycle pain, a.k.a. ovulation) occurred and lasted for two days. The symptoms consisted of sharp, intermittent stabbing pain in the uterus and left ovary (that damned left ovary!!!), which lasted for hours. On February 22, I took half a Tylenol 3 before bed. On February 23, I took 600mg of Ibuprofen before bed. The pain lessened but was still present (less stabby) on February 24 (today). It’s difficult for me to know if the pain would have been less sharp, because on February 21 and 22, I was intimate with my husband (funny how ovulation and an increase in libido happen at the same time, huh? ;). It could be the dyspareunia OR the mittelschmerz OR both. I’m special that way.

So the bad news is:

• The pain still got to 7.5 on the pain scale, which is unacceptable.
• I continue to have mittelschmerz.
• I continue to have dyspareunia.

Still, I am excited about what promise the March menstrual cycle holds. Each month my body recovers from surgery means hope that the really bad pain has been ameliorated by surgery. Hope is strong. Only at six months post-op am I allowed to throw in the towel with the hope that surgery worked. I am fully aware of the statistics of actual pain relief amongst endometriosis sufferers with surgery, and by that I mean I know full well that our numbers are low. But I am not one to give up so easily.

I am hoping with this next paycheck on February 26th that I can start up the acupuncture and massage treatments again. My masseuse also has endometriosis. She got a hysterectomy and had no relief even after that! She went to massage school and also had massage therapy on herself. What ultimately helped to relieve her pain was PUSH therapy. My masseuse is certified in Swedish massage, acupressure, Shiatsu, sports massage, deep tissue massage, reflexology, Dynamic Reposturing, and PUSH Therapy.

I also need to get back on the bicycle again. I’ve been a weather wuss, which is hilarious because when I lived in Michigan, I bicycled in 48°F weather all the time. The rain is another issue, I have never liked to bicycle in the rain.

Challenges to continue working on: omit alcohol, sugar and chocolate intake entirely.

Friday when I woke up, I debated staying home from work. My whole body was seized up from the pain. I did light, gentle stretches to work out the kinks. I ate breakfast. The pain hovered around 6.5 on the pain scale.

I waited til the absolute last minute, then said ‘screw it’, got dressed, took 600mg Ibuprofen, and went to work. While walking from my car, I saw the director, still sitting in her car. She rolled down the window and with a jaw-dropping grin said, “HEY! YOU’RE HERE!!!” I stopped and smiled back. I said, “I’m doin it! I’m gonna do this!” And she gave me the thumbs up.

Friday was the heavy flow day, but I did it, dammit. I worked a full day. It took 1,000mg of ibuprofen to get through the day, and the pain was much worse after lunch again (sitting on the hard floor, rubbing backs for naptime. I need a zafu because the flat chair cushions we have aren’t cutting it for me).

But I did it. I went to work on the first, second and third days of my cycle. This is unheard of pre-surgery. So there HAS been benefit. It is showing.

After work on Friday, my husband took me to get a rental car, because my car is on its last leg and I needed to get to a teacher seminar over the weekend.

On Saturday, I woke up before dawn and prepared for the teacher seminar (second Saturday of every month, until June 2011, during my internship). The bleeding was still heavy, but the cramps were not so bad. To my dismay, I discovered I was already out of Ibuprofen, or at least I thought I was. I just couldn’t find the spare bottles anywhere at that moment (I have since found not one but three spare bottles, LOL). I drove off to pick up a classmate and fellow endo sister, and watched the sun rise from the Bay Bridge. We made it to class on time and got the seats I needed (right by the door in case someone’s fragrance is overpowering for me).

I have to say, Saturday and today have been my worst pain days this cycle, and if it would have fallen on a weekday, I would have missed two days of work just like usual. :(
However, that said, the pain did not get really bad until Day 4 of my cycle.

I consumed four half Tylenol 3s throughout the day, and 1,000mg Ibuprofen as well yesterday, but I made it through the teacher seminar, got my friend safely back home, and I came home and I drove my husband and I to get Indian food for dinner. The pain ramped up again during dinner, and I was antsy to leave and just be in bed. I really did go to bed right after dinner. The bleeding subsided that afternoon, even though I was still experiencing pain. The flow stopped overnight, only to return heavy and painful this morning around 9:30am. I got to about a 7.5 on the pain scale, complete with nausea this morning.

I have consumed a whole Tylenol 3 so far today, and now I’m off to visit my father-in-law in physical rehab while he works on trying to walk again after having his second big toe amputated due to complications of diabetes.

Day 53
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Woke at 4:30am again and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep again.
High burst of social anxiety while at work; had lots of vocal tics at lunch time, which was embarrassing, though thankfully no co-workers were around to hear it. Going for a walk did not calm me down. I took 1mg of Lorazepam, and still was not calmed down. Not surprisingly, the children did not nap for me. My energy was probably keeping them awake.

When I got home from work, the exhaustion set in. I took an hour nap, woke and did not feel refreshed. In fact, my whole body felt like it was seizing up. I went to bathroom and discovered my vaginal mucosa had changed colour. That means two things: 1) george will be early, and 2) nothing has changed with this second surgery with regards to my body wanting to become a pillbug right before menstruation each month.
My mid and upper back kept trying to seize up on me, so around 8:30pm, I took half a Tylenol 3. I could have taken Ibuprofen, but I also did not want to chance becoming wound up again, and did the ‘whack-a-mole’ or ‘shotgun’ approach by taking the Tylenol 3 to keep me down. I went to bed at 9:30pm after I was falling asleep trying to catch up on all these damned journal entries.

Day 54
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I woke at 5am and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep…again.
When I got out of bed for the day, my body was still feeling seized up, and I was experiencing pelvic pain at about a 4 on the pain scale.
Took 400mg Ibuprofen, did stretches, loosened up a bit. Went to work.

During music and movement with the preschoolers, I pulled my abdominal muscles too taut and it stung inside. :(
By mid-morning, I felt something wasn’t right, so I went to the bathroom to check, and sure enough, I was spotting. It was dark brown and stringy. I was officially 2 days early. >:(

I wanted to see how bad the pelvic pain might get, if it came on at all, so I did not take Ibuprofen. The pain never happened! My entire back kept wanting to seize up on me all day, though. I toughed/stretched it out. When I got home, I meant to take 600mg Ibuprofen, but forgot, because it took all my energy to focus on getting internship practicum paperwork done, getting a load of laundry done, and making myself something to eat for dinner. I was in total zombie mode.
The spotting I had experienced earlier seemed to be a spurt, rather than anything continual, so I hoped I would make it to Friday before actual flow began. Still, being that exhausted did not bode well.
I slept on the couch between 8:30 and 9:30pm, waiting for my laundry to finish, and once it was done, went right to bed at 10pm.

Day 55 – TODAY.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I woke at 5:30am and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep again. :(
I was aware of the fact that I had pelvic pain, but I kept pushing it to the back of my mind. I was also aware of the fact that the knee pillow had actually made my knee pain worse overnight. The knee pain was sharper than the dull, gnawing pelvic pain.

When I finally did get out of bed for the day, I discovered that the spotting had turned to bright red flow. The moment I saw the blood, I began a mantra for today: “But it’s okay, because I’ve had the surgery.” On a deeper conscious level: “I will not let fear win out. I will be fine.”

I have two more days of work to get through, and a weekend to enjoy. I had sugery. I will be fine. No room for ‘but’ and other side thoughts. I will breathe. I will live. I will be fine. I had the surgery, after all.

The pain was managed on 600mg Advil for the morning! I got through an assembly and a work period – lots of kneeling & bending – I was ok!

Then the pain ramped up after lunch. :(

This was the EASY part of the day, and yet the pain ramped up. The director used triggering words with me; “I thought surgery was supposed to stop all the pain?” Even though I told her before surgery that it’s a HOPE, never a guarantee that the pain will stop.
The last job that uttered those words fired me.

Will I be fired from a second job because of Endo?

This is my 3rd menstrual cycle since surgery. I have reduced pain, but not enough – I still had to come home from work. I’m trying not to have a PTSD freakout over this.

When will pain relief start? 3 months post op? 4 months post op? Ever?

And then the anger sets in. I AM SO EFFING MAD!!!! I have spent the evening wavering between wanting to sob inconsolably and wanting to throw heavy things through the windows. I ended up sobbing for a bit.

To add insult to injury, one of my high school friends took over a thread on my facebook account, telling me I “should just have them remove the shit” so I won’t be in pain anymore. Then she went on and on about how grand life would be and that I won’t have to go on HRT at all and that I’d be totally pain free. She then literally said, “if you like the pain then keep your ovaries. I don’t have to have endometriosis to understand long term chronic pain.”

Seething with rage (which set off more pain), I publicly declared I was unfriended her, and followed through immediately so she would not have a chance to comment again. Then I wrote, “if anyone else wants to insinuate that I like being in pain, you can just remove yourselves now and spare me the fucking effort!!!”

She didn’t stop attacking me, however. She wrote me a facebook email with expletives, so I reported and blocked her.

I am so hurt and angry.

This led me to post a video from Kill Bill, which contains my favourite line: “…Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW’S THE FUCKING TIME!”

So what I’ve been doing is keeping a running log of tidbits from my day, thinking that later each day, I would expound further and make a good narrative journal entry for you. And then it wouldn’t happen. So the next day, I’d type up some tidbits from that day, hoping to put it in more readable narrative…etc. And what you get instead is me being way behind and playing catch up.

Day 45
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day 5 of my return to work. I don’t recall the order of the day. The big news that day happened when we got home and got a call from my husband’s step-mother, saying his dad was in the hospital again due to complications from Type II Diabetes. His left foot had swelled up, and he had to have his left big toe amputated. Now he has no more big toes. His right toe was amputated back in July, 2005.

My husband endured a long rant from his step-mother, and looked depressed when the call ended. He said, “I seriously wonder if he’ll be able to ever walk again after this.”

That’s not all – father’s wife is screaming divorce because she’s tired of him not taking care of himself. It’s been going on for over 20 years.

Day 46
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day 6 of my return to work. I wore slacks again, and no, the belly button wasn’t any happier – 46 days after surgery!!!

I was stressed out at work, and had little water intake because I forgot to take my water bottle to work with me, and it was my first day of recording the childrens’ work. Recording entails walking around the classroom with a clipboard and noting what the children are working on, checking their work with a Three Period Lesson, and noting on the clipboard next the activity whether the child has mastered it, needs to redo it, or is just having a sensorial experience with it.
The class usually has 20 children, and at any time, three or four of them are tapping me on the shoulder or arm while I sit with another child, or they’re calling out across the room when they’re not supposed to. Then there’s four to six children playing instead of working at any given time, whom I have to continually resettle. It was a very busy day.

That night, we visited my husband’s father in the hospital.
I experienced sharp ovarian pain on the right side as we walked down the corridor to my father-in-law’s hospital room – this was after climbing stairs – and I had just told my husband that I was fine to climb stairs, since I had been active at work.
It’s a workout to do Head, Shoulders Knees And Toes every day, along with squatting down and getting back up again several times a day to check children’s work…in Montessori, many children work with materials on the floor.

We visited probably for an hour, and my husband’s father seemed not to be too put out that he’d just lost his other big toe. He talked about the trip to Alaska he wants to take this year, and refused to discuss serious matters of his health – you know – reality.

When we got back home from visiting my father-in-law in the hospital, I mentioned online about my crazy mood swings I’ve been having since surgery, and an endo sister suggested I try taking Zomig. I don’t have any Zomig, but it does have the ingredient 5-HT in it. I took a 5-HTP supplement, instead.

Within an hour, my tummy was burning and nauseous, and I had moderate indigestion all the way up the esophagus.

Note to self: 5HTP contains sulfites and B vitamins. You know you can’t take B vitamins because it upsets your tummy.

I took a shower, and discovered that the first scab had fallen out. It looks burnt to a crisp, just like last time. My scabs didn’t fall out til around Day 61 last time.

Right before bed, I experienced sharp pain towards the left side – it was more uterine in nature this time.

So, now I have to go back on what I said in my last post – I had said I did not experience Mittelschmerz, but actually, I think it was just a bit late – Day 10 of the new cycle instead of Day 8.

Yeah. I still get Mittelschmerz. :(

Day 47
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day 7 of my return to work. It was my second day of recording the students as they worked, and I was still running around all frazzled, trying to keep up. No pain that I can remember – no notes about pain so I must have had a pain-free day!

Day 48
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 8 of my return back to work. We had Chinese New Year celebrations and only half an hour of work period, but I recorded what I could for the head teacher. I came home from a good day at work but the moment I got home, I was full of angst the likes I haven’t seen since I was in my early 20s.

I realised that it is because I am sick to death of LOOKING and DRESSING like a preschool teacher five days a week, and coming home every day with songs from The Wiggles or Dora or some such stuck in my head. I also realised I was PMSing.

Day 49
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day 9 of my return back to work. It was my last day shadowing the person who is leaving that room to work in the classroom I was moved from.

That night, I went dancing! I wore a corset! Sadly, no pix. My husband is really bad about that, and well he’s been depressed about his dad being in the hospital. That night, I blew out my right knee while dancing, and had to ice it right there in the club. The staff were FANTASTIC about coming to my aid – they didn’t have to do that but they did. To my fellow endo sisters, I know you understand when I say the blown out knee pain was HILARIOUS compared to what we normally go through. I iced it for a bit and went back dancing!

I must note for posterity that I did drink alcohol that night. Alcohol is known to be a bad actor for endometriosis, so it’s something I need to stop consuming. I struggle with this.

Day 50
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Sharp right knee pain. I got up after only 6 hours or so of sleep and went to have my blood drawn again (still dealing with follow-up to Dec. 28 high eosinophil crap). From there, I went over to a sports shop and bought another knee brace. ACE bandages don’t take care of the pain anymore – I have congenitally misaligned knees, so over the years, the pain has just gotten more annoying. Stretchy knee braces don’t take care of the pain anymore, either. So I bought a cool knee brace with hinges. It worked superb! I wore it all day and my knee felt SO MUCH BETTER by the end of the day!

And then the depressing news – I also experienced sharp pain on my left side – ovarian area – after eating breakfast (frozen mango, frozen banana, goat milk yoghurt, gluten-free vanilla extract, cardamom, cinnamon for a nice smoothie, and two gluten-free waffles with cream cheese).

Meh.

Day 51
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Intimacy with husband the night before resulted in pelvic pain that morning. We’re not doing anything fancy or kinky, mind you, and I’m still getting pain pretty much every time. I was told by my last surgeon that surgery won’t change that – I have dyspareunia and that’s just how it is. I had asked my current surgeon to please fix my retroverted uterus during the December surgery, as I’m convinced that it accounts for the dyspareunia and for some of the pelvic pain during menstruation, but she said there’s no easy fix to a life-long retroverted uterus. She said that the tendons or whatever it is that connects the uterus to the bladder and other organs would become to strained or weakened if she lifted the uterus up and clamped it into proper positioning. She said it would result in even more pain for me. I have to trust her on that, since she’s performed hundreds of surgeries for endometriosis and pelvic conditions. She’s probably seen the gamut.

The day started off great – I woke before the alarm, ate breakfast, showered, and went to my Alexander Technique class. The panic attack wanted to happen the moment I drove off towards the appointment.
WHY.
My hands were shaking. I couldn’t breathe. I felt the flutter in my throat. I took .5mg lorazepam on the way to class, and when I got out of my car, I thought for sure I was going to faint, so I took another .5mg lorazepam.
I got to my class and was the only one for a bit. I was honest with my instructor that I was not emotionally well grounded that day for some reason. Class began, and two more filtered in and joined the conversation – all of us regulars – all people I’m comfortable with. Then halfway through the class, a staff member opens the door and asks if a new patient could be admitted to class. This is where the session went downhill. This woman made the conversation all about her, and was verbally defiant and combative the entire time with the instructor. The other three of us may as well have ceased to exist. I began doing my breathing exerises. I dissociated and put myself into a fixed state, staring down my nose at the floor, just focusing on breathing so I would not have a panic attack and lash out at this horrible beastly woman who kept saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t do that. I want you to teach me how to properly sit so I can play flute and not be in pain. I can’t do what you are asking me to do. I want you to help me.”

Back and forth. UGH.

When the class ended, I bolted.

I got home and locked my keys in my car, I was so frazzled after that class. I mailed two bills by walking to the mailbox on the corner, came home, and my husband gave me a spare key to go get my keys out of my car.

I got back home and started sorting laundry. I left the room to go through my closet to double-check whether more clothes need to be pared down, came back to the living room, and saw my cat actively sniffing around on the laundry piles on the floor. This cat has a bad history of peeing on my stuff since November 2009 so my heart sank. I knelt down and began to go methodically through my clothes. I found four pair of underwear and a work shirt, all damp from my cat having just peed on them. WHY. WHY.

My husband guessed that perhaps we’re not keeping the litter box clean enough again. This was all I could take for the day, and I feel immediately into a black depression. My posture slumped. My face fell. My eyes glazed over. It was 72F outside for an unseasonably warm February weekend, and emotionally, I was not up to it.

After I threw away the underwear and shirt, I bagged up the remaining laundry and took it out back to the laundry room. Then I took some crocheted blankets (two are from a thrift store, and one is from a friend) to the laundrymat because I like the front loader machines better for such delicate washing. I tossed in some scarves and my Dickens Fair skirt I had made in 2009 and had worn again in 2010.

When I returned to the laundrymat to retrieve my items, I found that everything reeked of mothball.

WHY!   WHAT THE HELL!   HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?   Was it one of the thrift blankets? Was it the washer I chose?
I hung up all my items when I got home. Airing out was good enough for most of the items, but a scarf and a thrift store blanket still reeked horribly, so I washed them twice by hand with baking soda, vinegar and oxobrite cleaner.

I had already been deeply depressed over my cat peeing on my stuff again, and then the mothball chemical assault happened. I’ve refused to eat or do homework all day. I did another load of laundry here at the house, but that was it. Even as I sat here typing this out, I was hunched over. My stomach was hurting. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to just go away.

8:19pm update:
I think I got the mothball smell out of everything except for our tartan scarf. :( I’ll keep trying at that before giving up, though.
There are two culprits now – the green crocheted blanket I got from the thrift store, and the purple microfiber blanket I just bought from the neighbor last night. Two different smells at that! The green one is the mothball and the purple one smells like a dog or cat had urinated on it at some point and it was incorrectly washed and dried. This makes a good argument for me never getting thrift store or yard sale blankets ever again.
I’m wondering how sick I’ll become now that I’ve exposed myself to nasty mothball fumes all day. One day I’ll learn to just flee the situation or throw the offending items away instead of trying to save things. ugh.

Day 52
Monday, February 7, 2011
Continued pelvic pain from late Saturday night’s intimacy.
Lots of intestinal gas noises, and pressure on the low back extending to rectum. This is “normal” pre-menstrual activity. Alas.
I awoke around 4am and finally got up to use the bathroom around 4:30am. I took .5mg lorazepam. I was never able to get back to true sleep after that. I hit snooze on the alarm four times, being stubborn about getting out of bed. I was exhausted and I still had a whole day ahead of me.

I got through the day but had to take 600mg Ibuprofen gel-caps by 9am to get through the day, because of low uterine pain. I seriously had to go check to see if I’d started bleeding, the cramps were strong enough. I’d wager about a 4 on the pain scale.

Postscript:
My first surgery was February 1, 2007 and I never did get any pain relief from that surgery. That’s why I had the second surgery on December 17, 2010. Both surgeries were electrocoagulation type Laparoscopy. I wanted excision surgery this time around, but my surgeon told me that the latest research out there shows that both excision and electrocoagulation have benefit. She prefers electrocoagulation but will not hesitate to do excision where necessary. The bulk of what I ended up “needing” was electrocoagulation, according to my 2010 surgery report.

I am hoping that with each month post-op, the pain relief will increase. That’s where I’m at…

This is going to be a long journal entry, possibly with fragmented notes, because I am getting tired of trying to make time for translating my raw notes into narrative and posting one day at a time. ;)

Before I get into the rough notes running log of recovery time, I have to note that four mantras have had to be repeated to myself during this surgery’s recovery:

• This surgery recovery could not possibly track exactly as last time, because this time my mesentery was bumped with surgical instruments, and I also received a fourth incision.
• This surgery recovery could not possibly track exactly as last time, because I got my period on time five days after surgery.
• This surgery recovery could not possibly track exactly as last time, because last time, I was put on Yasmin two weeks into my recovery time.
• This surgery recovery could not possibly track exactly as last time, because last time, I did not have endometriomas on both ovaries.

Keeping all that in mind was/is difficult, and I have often been impatient during this recovery.

And now, the running log….

Day 36
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I feel like my old self again after my period. The period still felt as painful as it always is, but it’s only a month post-op. I HAVE to keep thinking that once I’m all healed up inside, that the surgery will have provided benefit.
I had Thai food for dinner. Mmmmmm!

I had phoned one of my head teachers on Thursday to set up a meeting with them on re-entering the class next week, and was told she and the other teacher would do a conference call with me on Friday.

On Friday, I got a voicemail saying I need to talk to the Director if I have any questions. Whaaa?

So today I called the Director at home and she reminded me that I’ll be moved to a different classroom when I return to work. I told her that she and my intern supervisor had been bantering the idea around, but I had no idea it was official, now. She sounded incredulous that I would not remember. I was incredulous that she was incredulous, because I’m sure there was never an official say-so to me. It was all phone convo, so no proof for either side of the story.

Further, I was asked if I had my release for return to work signed by my physician. Whaaa?
I replied that I had submitted my time-off request back in October or November, and that should have taken care of everything. I was told nope, I need to have a signed release from my doctor before I can return to work. I panicked inside – it was Saturday afternoon – my regular doc and surgeon were not in the office, so there was no way I’d be returning to work on Monday!! I let the director know this, and she said to just get the note in as soon as I can, then.

Oh well, extra day off work, I guess. :/

Day 37
Sunday, January 23, 2011
8pm: Whoa. The director of the school I work for just called and said not to come in tomorrow and possibly this week at all cuz there’s a nasty bug going around! She’s out sick with barely a voice, and so is my head teacher! Gonna check back tomorrow afternoon, hopefully will have my lab results by then, too.

10pm: Just made Budwig Butter(TM), and now I’m grinding seeds – all to have ready-to-eat now that I’ll be going back to work after a month off. Time to get serious about the dietary changes I promised I’d adhere to after surgery! For one, I’ve been pesco-vegetarian for nearly a month!

Day 38
Monday, January 24, 2011
Got up at 6:30am, ate breakfast, prepared lunch bag, put internship binder into bike bag with lunch and my med kit, finished getting dressed and doing hair, and walked out the door. Test run to see if I can walk to work and back.
Results: it’s a mile walk each way, carrying a 12lb bicycle saddle bag which converts to an open shoulder bag. I was exhausted when I got to my destination, and was glad I didn’t actually have to report to work this morning.

9:08am
This just in: I’m seriously frustrated. A certain someone went back on their words and insisted they never said what they said. I’m totally going to tape every conversation from now on. I was just lectured that I was never told not to come in to work. I can’t come in anyway, I still don’t have the release notes from my doctor and surgeon. SO frustrated. Anxiety level super high right now.

I ended up spending the rest of Day 38 in bed, and had a crying spell in between long naps. I think the children’s Benadryl that I had taken that morning was partially responsible for making me so tired and moody to the point of crying. The other thing was having walked so far with the 12lb bag on my shoulder. I used to take children’s Benadryl every day before work because of how allergy-ridden the place is for me, and because I had some notion in my head that it would help ward against the chemical onslaught of perfumed children, staff and parents.

Day 39
Tuesday, January 25, 2011

First day back to work!! I was bumrushed by a few of my young fan club. :)
I have a new addition to my fan club! His name is Justice and he’s 3 years old. He followed me everywhere after I defended his right to have a next turn during a playground ball game. :)

When I got home from work, I discovered that my co-worker Ms. Wendy had written an update about her life celebration last week, and published it today:

I tried hard to stay here through the celebration. I wound myself up. Now, turning within seems more challenging. I love my life and everyone in it. Part of this process for me is letting go of those closest to me.

I remembered I have the habit of giving to everyone I meet, but I forget to give to myself all the things I need. Giving and nurturing to myself is really more easily said then done.

There is also a great tiredness deep within calling me to rest…I do not need to struggle anymore for anything…At this time the needs are simple-silence, meditation, chanting, contemplation, and study. My friends and family all wish me success in my goal to let it all go.

Reminds me of my dream and how I am having trouble letting go.

Day 40
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Day 2 of my return to work. More children in my little fan club coming up to greet me.
There was gossip from a co-worker about my being moved to another class, thus displacing an assistant who’s already been in there since the start of the school year. How annoying that this person has to gossip to me, and how irritating that I have to be moved mid-year like this. I popped a couple of .5mg lorazepam that day to deal with re-entry to work (to a new room) and to deal with the gossiping co-worker. It’s the same person I’ve had a personality conflict with forever.

Day 41
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Day 3 return to work. I wore slacks this time because I was already tired of wearing skirts. This was a bad idea, as the belly button was highly irritated all day. I experienced pelvic pain and low & mid back pain all day.
The same co-worker as the day before was still at the gossip on this day, and it really got to me, so I told her I would confront the person I am displacing and see if she really is inconsolable over the fact that I was moved into her room. As we set up the room for naptime, I apologised to my co-worker for being moved into her room and displacing her. I told her I did not push for this move, that it was the decision of the director. She told me it’s alright – she said it’s time she learns the more administrative side of running a school, anyway, and that she’ll be working a bit in the office as well as in the room I came from. She’s gone through all the training and has her Montessori head teacher certificate. She just needs a head teacher position to open up for her, now.

By the time I got home from work, I was thoroughly exhausted and still having a bit of pain. I wanted to go to sleep and also eat dinner simultaneously. Much whining abounded. I settled on gluten-free freezer mac ‘n cheese, and some gluten-free chocolate cake for dessert, then went directly to bed – at 6pm. I woke at 8pm and half an hour later, I went out to the local German bar with my husband to help a friend celebrate her birthday. I thought I would fall asleep in my chair, I swear. I was back in bed by 10:30pm after having only had an elderflower soda to drink at the bar.

Day 42
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day 4 return to work. Endured parent-teacher conferences today. I was there as an intern to observe the process. I was traumatised by only one parent! I popped one .5mg lorazepam that day and straddled world of assistant and intern again. I had high energy but it ended up hurting me because I was too enthusiastic while doing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” with the kids.
There was a crazy parent for a conference at the end of the day – she’s the one who traumatised me (and my head teacher). I came home, popped 1mg lorazepam, and demanded a sushi dinner with my husband. Then I got coffee because I was so exhausted and refused to go to sleep before midnight on a Friday night. It worked – we hung out in a book store for a bit after dinner, then came home and stayed up til 3am with my hubby, watching TV!

Day 43
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Blissful sleeping in!
However, the day did not stay blissful for long. I found myself depressed and crying before my husband even woke up. After analysing the situation, I realised much of it is that I need to be ME again, and after only 4 days back to work, I’m already sick to death of wearing the Mary Poppins monkey suit. My husband was happy to help remedy the situation with clothes shopping!!! I got a new dress and a new skirt at local shop. My hubby drove us to Berkeley but the store there was rude and overpriced, so did not get my money. We hit up a bookstore before coming back home – I bought a used book called Indian Removal, by Grant Foreman (I have always been very passionate about the Native American plight). When we came home, I was exhausted and took a nap. When I woke, I made mac ‘n cheese for dinner, but only after forcing myself to think of something to make for dinner, and then I had to force myself to eat. I was still depressed. Later on that evening, we attended an independent film festival for a friend’s film, and had a good time. We came home and I went directly to bed.

Day 44
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Finally resumed Alexander Technique classes at the local dispensary today. Ow, practice hurts. Also did laundry & dishes, & took nap in between. Still tired as hell. Slowly getting back into the swing of daily life – it usually takes a few months.
In the TMI department, my husband and I were intimate before I headed off to class. During class, I suddenly experienced sharp anal pain, then sharp left side ovarian stabby pain. Ahhh, Dyspareunia, how I hate you.
The wife of the instructor held me after class for an hour talking at me, in my personal space, and told me not to say MY illness, and told me not to BE the illness. I’ve heard it all before. I was so annoyed. I came home, did 2 loads laundry, attended the grand reopening of a local store & bought a cute bracelet. All day, I had intermittent low back pain and cramping – again I attributed it to intimacy earlier in the day.
I did some dishes, bills, and made dinner, cleaned out the wonder washer, put new linens on bed, and planned to shower, but that’s when I ran out of spoons. I went to bed.
I certainly am not knocking the amount of spoons I had that day, though!!!

Special note: I did not experience Mittelschmerz this month!! :D

Friday, January 21, 2011

I was still spotting. On Thursday night, I had set my alarm to wake after 8 hours sleep, to try to get back into the routine of waking to an alarm.

I woke between 2 and 3 am after a dream that Ms. Wendy, surrounded by her husband and her Ashram folks, had died. Her husband quietly proclaimed, “she has awakened.” The mood in the room was joyful, everyone was proud of Wendy for ascending. I felt this joy, but the moment I woke from the dream, I was filled with sadness. I was immediately aware of the idea of not letting go, of holding on to material things, including people. My husband happened to be up at that moment – he had come back from the bathroom and was climbing back into bed, so I told him about the dream and he held me. I was able to drift back to sleep.

When I woke for the day, I had breakfast, posted a memorial to my departed uncle and wished love to my family, and arranged to meet up with a friend at a local park. I wanted to ride my bicycle, but it’s behind a bunch of stuff in storage unit, so I got the bright idea to roller skate!

It was a 15 minute trek from my home to the park, so I put my skates on and tried it out. I only stopped for a few seconds before continuing on in my clunky, out of practice way. My arms flailed, my legs felt like Frankenstein walking.

About 2/3 the way to the park, I finally fell into my groove and skated more like a hockey player. I was still clunky but getting there. A nice, even asphalt street would have made things perfect for me; alas, the road was patchwork for most of the route to the park.

By the time I arrived at the park, I had used up most of my spoons. :(
I was tired and sore. My friend and her toddler showed up, and we hung out. I ran into two parents from the school I work at and chatted with them for a bit.

After hanging out at the park, I walked home, which took about half an hour. I was too exhausted and sore to put the skates back on.

When I got home, I ate some junk food, went to Costco with my husband for some school supplies, came home and endured a horrible sales transaction between a friend and a mental neighbor. I popped 1mg lorazepam to deal with it, and then my husband and I went off to cheap sushi to make it all better.

I came home, exhausted from all the exercise I’d gotten, and went to bed. However, it didn’t stop my husband from making eyes at me, LOL. Guess I wasn’t so tired after all!

Firsts: intimate with husband for first time since surgery.
Complication: dry. This never happens. Further exploration of this matter needed! ;)