Nearly two months post-op.

Day 53
Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Woke at 4:30am again and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep again.
High burst of social anxiety while at work; had lots of vocal tics at lunch time, which was embarrassing, though thankfully no co-workers were around to hear it. Going for a walk did not calm me down. I took 1mg of Lorazepam, and still was not calmed down. Not surprisingly, the children did not nap for me. My energy was probably keeping them awake.

When I got home from work, the exhaustion set in. I took an hour nap, woke and did not feel refreshed. In fact, my whole body felt like it was seizing up. I went to bathroom and discovered my vaginal mucosa had changed colour. That means two things: 1) george will be early, and 2) nothing has changed with this second surgery with regards to my body wanting to become a pillbug right before menstruation each month.
My mid and upper back kept trying to seize up on me, so around 8:30pm, I took half a Tylenol 3. I could have taken Ibuprofen, but I also did not want to chance becoming wound up again, and did the ‘whack-a-mole’ or ‘shotgun’ approach by taking the Tylenol 3 to keep me down. I went to bed at 9:30pm after I was falling asleep trying to catch up on all these damned journal entries.

Day 54
Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I woke at 5am and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep…again.
When I got out of bed for the day, my body was still feeling seized up, and I was experiencing pelvic pain at about a 4 on the pain scale.
Took 400mg Ibuprofen, did stretches, loosened up a bit. Went to work.

During music and movement with the preschoolers, I pulled my abdominal muscles too taut and it stung inside. :(
By mid-morning, I felt something wasn’t right, so I went to the bathroom to check, and sure enough, I was spotting. It was dark brown and stringy. I was officially 2 days early. >:(

I wanted to see how bad the pelvic pain might get, if it came on at all, so I did not take Ibuprofen. The pain never happened! My entire back kept wanting to seize up on me all day, though. I toughed/stretched it out. When I got home, I meant to take 600mg Ibuprofen, but forgot, because it took all my energy to focus on getting internship practicum paperwork done, getting a load of laundry done, and making myself something to eat for dinner. I was in total zombie mode.
The spotting I had experienced earlier seemed to be a spurt, rather than anything continual, so I hoped I would make it to Friday before actual flow began. Still, being that exhausted did not bode well.
I slept on the couch between 8:30 and 9:30pm, waiting for my laundry to finish, and once it was done, went right to bed at 10pm.

Day 55 – TODAY.
Thursday, February 10, 2011

I woke at 5:30am and spent the rest of the night in twilight sleep again. :(
I was aware of the fact that I had pelvic pain, but I kept pushing it to the back of my mind. I was also aware of the fact that the knee pillow had actually made my knee pain worse overnight. The knee pain was sharper than the dull, gnawing pelvic pain.

When I finally did get out of bed for the day, I discovered that the spotting had turned to bright red flow. The moment I saw the blood, I began a mantra for today: “But it’s okay, because I’ve had the surgery.” On a deeper conscious level: “I will not let fear win out. I will be fine.”

I have two more days of work to get through, and a weekend to enjoy. I had sugery. I will be fine. No room for ‘but’ and other side thoughts. I will breathe. I will live. I will be fine. I had the surgery, after all.

The pain was managed on 600mg Advil for the morning! I got through an assembly and a work period – lots of kneeling & bending – I was ok!

Then the pain ramped up after lunch. :(

This was the EASY part of the day, and yet the pain ramped up. The director used triggering words with me; “I thought surgery was supposed to stop all the pain?” Even though I told her before surgery that it’s a HOPE, never a guarantee that the pain will stop.
The last job that uttered those words fired me.

Will I be fired from a second job because of Endo?

This is my 3rd menstrual cycle since surgery. I have reduced pain, but not enough – I still had to come home from work. I’m trying not to have a PTSD freakout over this.

When will pain relief start? 3 months post op? 4 months post op? Ever?

And then the anger sets in. I AM SO EFFING MAD!!!! I have spent the evening wavering between wanting to sob inconsolably and wanting to throw heavy things through the windows. I ended up sobbing for a bit.

To add insult to injury, one of my high school friends took over a thread on my facebook account, telling me I “should just have them remove the shit” so I won’t be in pain anymore. Then she went on and on about how grand life would be and that I won’t have to go on HRT at all and that I’d be totally pain free. She then literally said, “if you like the pain then keep your ovaries. I don’t have to have endometriosis to understand long term chronic pain.”

Seething with rage (which set off more pain), I publicly declared I was unfriended her, and followed through immediately so she would not have a chance to comment again. Then I wrote, “if anyone else wants to insinuate that I like being in pain, you can just remove yourselves now and spare me the fucking effort!!!”

She didn’t stop attacking me, however. She wrote me a facebook email with expletives, so I reported and blocked her.

I am so hurt and angry.

This led me to post a video from Kill Bill, which contains my favourite line: “…Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW’S THE FUCKING TIME!”

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