My world ended in 2012

I have been away for six months. The reason is that my husband had a physical affair which took me two months to prove, but once I did prove the affair, I was genuinely surprised that it WASN’T all in my head. I never thought he was capable of such betrayal from a person I spent TWELVE YEARS with. I was a complete basket case for three months, attempting suicide multiple times, and ending up in hospital for a week.

The good thing in all of this, as it relates to this journal, is that I was forcibly medicated with Gabapentin (Neurontin) as a mood stabiliser.

Gabapentin was recommended to me by my surgeon back in 2010, but I was too afraid to take it because of the listed side effects. I always hit into the rare category of side effects on any medication.
Now, being told in hospital that I would not be released unless I took medication, I had to give it a try. They started me out on a very low dose – 300mg – and I got head, arm and hand tremors. So they reduced it to 200mg and my mood improved fantastically.

What I also found out is that the neuropathy and severe pain were reduced to the point that I WAS NOT bedridden for the next FOUR MONTHS!!!

Last month’s cycle had me bedridden for one day, and this month’s cycle is hurting me enough that, had I gone in to work today, I’d have come home early due to the pain. Thankfully, today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, so I did not have to work. Hopefully by tomorrow, the pain will have abated again.

The bleeding is still heavy every cycle – that has not changed. But going from 3-4 days bedridden down to 0-1 day is a huge, positive change.

The Gabapentin has also helped me with chemical sensitivity – I don’t know how but it has. The nerve channels are blocked in the brain and the message that says, “I’M DYING” from the pain and from scented products is no longer getting delivered. The threat level has been reduced to, “Oh, that’s unpleasant.”

So I am thankful that I am on Gabapentin, now, but holy shit, what a path to travel to begin taking it.

I’m still not out of the woods, emotionally after the affair. There is no reconciliation – he declared he was in love with this woman, WHOM I USED TO BABYSIT FOR, and he said horrible things to me. One of the things he said with bitterness is that I have a need to continually let people know that I’m in pain, whether emotional or physical. I told him that my endometriosis blog exists for the very reason of letting people know I’m in pain, because talking about pelvic pain is still taboo, and people like me are putting a face to it. He told me he didn’t like that. He told me he couldn’t care for me anymore. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. And then he went back to HER, so I kicked him out of the house. He came back almost a month later to officially move all his crap out of the house, and he tried to take the bed, the couch, the dishwasher, the toaster and the microwave with him!!!! I forbade him to clean me out and threatened to call the police. I then hired a lawyer. He is the one who filed for divorce. The proceedings cannot happen quickly enough, but I want to make sure I’m not getting screwed. I cannot trust this man to be honest about *anything*, which is why I’ve hired a lawyer to check all paperwork he sends and all paperwork I have to fill out to get back to his paralegals.

It took me roughly five months to even accept that he was in his right mind, that he was capable of hiding so much of his sinister life from me. But then I found a thumb-drive with a bunch of his files on it, and it included letters and mix-tapes he sent to ANOTHER woman back in 2009. This appears to have been an emotional affair, but it lasted TWO YEARS. The affair began three months BEFORE our honeymoon…so only three months into our marriage. We’d been together for 8 years before we got married, but according to some of my guy friends, the very act of getting married scarred him or something, and he immediately regretted the committal, despite already being with me for 8 years.

This is why I have not posted to my blog in so long. I don’t know how often I will post in the coming months. My endo is fairly well-managed for the time being, but my emotional state is still shot.

The state of my insurance is up in the air – I don’t know how much longer I’m covered under his insurance policy, and my workplace only offers Kaiser insurance, which is a crappy HMO insurance. I’ve rationed the last of my Tylenol 3 for the past six months; I haven’t had ANY in five months – but I finally relented and took a half a pill today.

So much change. I want 2013 to bring me peace and happiness. I want to start healing both emotionally and physically. I write these things with the full knowledge that I also wish I just didn’t have to breathe, anymore. I’m so emotionally exhausted.