I Will Not Suffer In Silence

The pain abated by Friday. This cycle, I had two days of 7 on the pain scale, and three heavy days altogether. I wasn’t bedridden and I didn’t take time off of work, but the high number on the pain scale is alarming. I hope I’m not plateauing on the Gabapentin already. I will talk to my shrink about increasing dosage again.

Friday night, I did an overnight tour on the U.S.S. Hornet for their ghost hunting adventure. I helped lead people around the ship into the wee hours of the night. I had intermittent cramping because of all the ladders I had to climb, and all the walking I had to do on the aircraft carrier. But I was glad to be away from home. I spent the night in the Torpedo berthing area with a bunch of other women, and I left right after breakfast the next morning.

I slept for most of the day on Saturday, because I’d gone to bed near 4am and hardly slept. Women had chatter going on, or early alarm clocks set. I swear, they were up at 6am. The navy reveille sounded at 8am, but I was already up and loading my sleeping bag into my car by that time.

Sleeping in is always a problem for me these days, because my depression worsens when I don’t have to be up and about, doing things to forget that divorce has happened to me. And yet, I’d only slept maybe 2 hours, so my body was exhausted – I had to sleep when I got home. When I finally got out of bed, it was near 6pm. My friend texted me and asked if I’d like to go out with her to one of her DJ gigs, and I leapt at the opportunity to get out of the house and thusly my depression.

We didn’t get home til about 2am, and I slept in again. I should have just scheduled myself to go back to the U.S.S. Hornet bright and early, but there it is again – that fine line between prolonged sleep deprivation and depression. Too much sleep deprivation leads to more depression. Sleeping in on weekends leads to more depression. I feel like I just can’t win.

I have to be somewhere in a couple of hours, so at least I can forget about the depression again for awhile this evening. Then it’s back to work again tomorrow for an intense week of state exams for my poor little first and second graders.

…Annnnd a pain flare, 7 on the pain scale, shaky and nauseous, hits right before a school assembly. Kill me now.

…

12:30pm – I pounded 800mg of Ibuprofen on the way to work, and it kicked in by the time I was leading the children to their assembly. However, I had to be up and down, sitting or kneeling on the ground, and it was still quite painful. Add to that a woman with a broken foot seated next to me, and so I could not navigate around her with ease in order to sit in front of the class to direct them during their assembly song. As a result, the children did poorly, and I got in trouble from my head teacher for not moving back and forth from next to the students to in front of the students and back again. I told her about my pain and about the woman’s broken foot in my way, but she was still upset. Of course, she herself could have gone in front of the children, now, couldn’t she?
One of the parents (a friend’s significant other) told me not to worry about it, but I am. The whole ordeal was just bad, because the owner of the school’s husband insisted that my first and second graders learn and sing California Dreamin’ by The Mamas and the Papas.
WHY. WHY did my head teacher allow that song for a Secretary’s Day assembly? I went to her weeks ago vetoing the song, and pleading with her to confront the guy and ask for another song. But she told me she picks her battles with him, and caved in for that one, but won’t cave to him for the graduation songs. Of course, SHE picked the graduation song to be You’ve Got A Friend by James Taylor. It’s a more poppy version by another artist, but still, it’s that song.

I meant to rant about my pain, and it turned into a rant about work politics. But there you have it. And I’ve popped another 800mg of Ibuprofen for the pain to keep it at bay.

Today my students went to Chabot Space & Science Center for a field trip.

Of course, this is when the pain level decided to reach a 7 on the pain scale. I had to use the elevator because I could no longer navigate stairs. My legs were at first weak and shaky, and then the radiating nerve pain began down the outer side of my right leg. This of course was happening alongside the intermittent stabbing uterine and ovarian pain. There were some excruciating pain moments, resulting in me grimacing.

Thankfully the facility has an elevator! Thankfully the head teacher was also on the field trip, as were five parents who helped drive everyone. Today was a heavy day, so I was in the bathroom a lot. I missed out on the Bill Nye science lab as a result. Meh. I’ll have to go back again with friends.

For visual, here’s what my pain looked like – it’s a 6.5 on the Allie Brosh pain scale:

But hey! I’m still not bedridden! Go Gabapentin!

Also, I’d like to note that I have not taken Tylenol 3 for the past two cycles at least, nor have I sought to refill my prescription.

I’d like to further note that since clearing my body of regular Tylenol 3 intake, and starting on Gabapentin, my allergies, atopic dermatitis, asthma and multiple chemical sensitivity have backed way off. So there it is – after years of being on Tylenol 3, I’d simply overloaded my kidneys and liver, and just needed a good detox.

Funny how being forcibly hospitalised and medicated can actually be turned around to be a good thing.

But I’m still bitter at how it all had to go down.

I continue to marvel at the lack of being bedridden since starting on Gabapentin.

My most recent endo pain flare began last week, with intermittent stinging pain in the uterus and left ovary, which lasted for a couple of days.

Then, without warning, george showed up yesterday, a day earlier than I expected. Then the crushing fatigue set in.

I consumed 1,200mg of Ibuprofen yesterday, and another 1,200mg today, and managed to get through the work day. I have gone to bed early for the past two nights – I’m in bed now and will be heading to sleep very soon. The full body fatigue is as I said crushing, and it is a symptom of endometriosis.

Ya know, I have a rant.

One of the big things my ex told me he was leaving me for was because “you have a need to let people know you’re in pain, all the time.”
He was referring to me posting when I’m having an endo flare, about me having specific friends who also suffer with endo whom I can relate with, and my ongoing endo blog.

What also really pisses me off is… had I listened to my doctor years ago, and started taking Gabapentin, I might not have been in this divorce boat, because I’d not be bedridden and therefore not such an invalid in my husband’s eyes.

I have suffered shaming and guilt all of my life – first through my parents, then with the endo, and now with my ex. Part of my rage is because he shamed me by having not just an affair, but holding it in my face, in the clubs, for my friends to see and ask me about. He lied to me when questioned. He lied for months until he got sloppy. And then he cites one of the reasons for leaving me was that he doesn’t like me being vocal about my illness.

So instead of being shamed to silence, I will remind the world of my blog’s name: I WILL NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE.

More to the point, I will react like O Ren Ishii upon one’s attempt to shame me into silence.
He got publicly castrated and financially burdened.