I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Woke up today before my man left for work, and got the day started. I needed to go take care of my friend’s cats, then come home, take a shower, and get to the unemployment office for their mandatory debasing “let’s show you how to look for a job” meeting.

I went outside, got into my car, turned the key in the ignition, and …. nothing.

Panic set in. I waited a few seconds, then tried it again. Nothing. No click, no turning over of the engine, nothing.

My man had already left for work, too.

I called my auto insurance roadside assistance number and explained to them the situation. They radioed a tow truck to give me a jump and if necessary a tow to my mechanic.

Flashing back:
The week I was fired, I’d told my boyfriend that I had a gut feeling that my car was going to break down. I told him my feeling was that it would happen in the next two weeks, which would place the timing between October 10 – October 24. Thankfully no breakdown occurred, but the front left tire has a steady leak that I have to keep filling until I can get off my ass and take the car in to the tire shop. I’ve had other things on my mind so the tire has not taken priority. My man has told me I should get the car into the shop for a tuneup so it doesn’t break down and fulfill my prophecy, but I said “with what money? I have to wait til my first unemployment check unless you want to do it”.
At that point, he should have done it. We talked for months about him assuming financial responsibility when my job would inevitably fire me. He said repeatedly that he had no problems helping out. Well, he didn’t step up.

When I purchased astrology software a couple of weeks ago, I ran a forecast for myself for October/November. I was not shocked when the car thing came up again:

Transit SATURN conjoined natal Mercury
Nov 12 through Nov 30
Daily transportation may be threatened when your car or other vehicles require repairs or need to be replaced.

And again I told my man about this, and again he told me to take the car in, and again I told him unless he was going to pay for it, I couldn’t because I had no money from the state, yet. And he didn’t step up.

That brings us to this morning, when my car broke down, three days ahead of the forecast but I’d already seen it coming with my gut feeling, just wasn’t positive when. I called my man after calling the tow truck and left an angry message about how he needs to step up and take responsibility and don’t wait for me to ask, from now on, it’s HIS car, HIS groceries, HIS health problems, HIS cat maintenance – it’s all HIS and HE must be responsible.

He called me back and gave the equivalent of a kid in trouble with their Ma and told me he understood.

That being dealt with, I called my friend and asked if he could take me to my unemployment appointment if my car required actual work in the shop instead of just a battery. He said he would.
I called my friend who I’m catsitting for and told her I may not be able to get to her cats and why. She had me call her other friends and let them know. I did that as well.

The tow truck arrived after an hour and gave me a jump. I turned off the car after a minute, and tried to restart it.

Dead.

The guy gave me another jump and I called my mechanic. He could see the car today. I drove right over and without any waiting time, he installed a new battery on the spot. Yay! I watched how he did it so that I can do this myself next time.
I used to know how to work on cars, having grown up in The Auto Capital Of The World: Detroit.
But when I moved to California and got a fuel-injected car, I didn’t know how to work on the thing, so I just stopped working on it altogether and took it to the shop or to the dealership whenever I had a problem. So I’ve forgotten everything. I’d love to take classes on auto shop to relearn how to care for my own car.

But I digress.

Once I was back in business with the car, I called my friends back and told them everything was alright – called the standby catsitters back and told them I was on my way over to care for the kitties – they didn’t need to go.

And off I went.

And george swooped in, and lo, he did strike me down. I was halfway to my friend’s house when the pain hit so hard I thought I might die. I got disoriented and therefore lost to a place I know how to get to. At that moment, my man called to check on me. I told him my situation, basically to ask him to be my brains for a minute. He told me to go back home, and that he’d take me over to care for the cats later, that the cats would be okay.

The pain was full on, and now I could feel the squid and the bleeding. Ugh.
I got home, checked the mail, staggered into the house, and took a Darvocet.

I FINALLY got my first check from the unemployment office. <sarcasm>It only took about a month!</sarcasm>

I called the unemployment office and to my surprise, I got through on the first call. I pleaded with them to reschedule my appointment because I was very ill. They said NO, and gave me flashbacks of my former employer. They said if I missed the appointment, I’d be fired cut off – they’d stop payments to me for a week and schedule another phone interview so I could explain myself! Then they’d decide if I could get the week of pay back again! I told them I was fired from my job because of this illness and now they wanted to take my money away???!?!?!
They basically said sorry…yes.

I hung up and cried.

I called my friend back again and asked him again if he could take me to the unemployment office. He said he would, definitely, not a problem at all. I thanked him profusely.

He came and got me and took me to the 12:15pm appointment. I was a wreck by then – disheveled, heating pad on my lap, ashen face, bleary eyes from the medication, clutching my damned forms for the goddamned unemployment office.

I went in and discovered to my benefit that they’d changed policy. No more groups of people in counseling on how to look for a job; now it’s one-on-one, based upon the individual’s current unemployment situation. The lady saw how sick I was and went easy on me. I’d forgotten my Social Security card and so she let me by without it. I’ve already scanned the damned thing anyway and sent it in to the unemployment office, so they have it on record…
She went over the routine on how to use their resources to look for a job, etc etc, and told me that I should also look into state disability to use in conjunction with the unemployment benefits. She said that since I was ‘fired for illness’, I need to mark when I’m too sick for work on my forms. I told her I can still look for work even when sick, I have my laptop in bed. She said yes but I can’t accept a job if one calls on the same day, if I’m sick, and to cover my ass, if the unemployment office finds out, I’d best have the state disability lined up to cover me, otherwise the unemployment office could cut me off for not following the rules.

Ah Christ, people!!!!

So now I look into state disability and see if I’m eligible. I’d looked into this before and my understanding was that I needed to be out nine consecutive days before any benefits would be paid. So I think this lady is full of shit, or doesn’t understand my situation. I’ll have a look again but likely not go with it.

RIGHT. SO.

I got out of the appointment before 12:45pm and my friend dropped me off at home. I staggered into the house and the pain and bleeding ramped up again, so I took another darvocet.

This put me out for the rest of the day. As I was letting the medication take me under, I relaxed my body and begged it to let me out. I seriously just wanted to die.

While I was passed out, the ex-girlfriend of my suicidal friend called and woke me up. I thought it was him so I answered…but it was her. I ended up counselling her for what felt like an hour…and in that time my father and another friend also tried to call.

After I hung up with my friend’s ex, I called my other friend back and left a message, and I called my dad back. He’d wanted to know about the oil spill, but when he heard how horrible I sounded, he asked what was wrong. I told him it was my usual downtime, bedridden from my illness. He softened, sounded worried. He asked if there was anything that could be done. I told him unfortunately no – I’d tried surgery and they couldn’t get all the disease out because it was too close to my bladder and the surgeon didn’t want to puncture my bladder.
I know I’ve told my dad all this before. He just forgets. He’s getting older. I emailed him later and asked if he wanted me to send him any details about my disease so he can understand what’s going on.

I passed out again and my man came home from work by around 6:30pm. I forced myself out of bed and we went to take care of my friend’s cats.

Halfway there, I cried out OH NO STOP!

I’d forgotten the damned keys to her house.

At that point, I told my man I didn’t have the energy to finish the rest of the day. I’d had enough. I’m tired. I just want it all to stop. Please.

He caressed my back and shoulder as he drove. I put my head between my legs and just let my body go limp for awhile as he drove back to our house to get the keys.
Why can’t it just all stop?

My man got the keys and we started off again. We got to our friend’s house and I took care of the cats’ food and water and litter. I puttered about slowly. Then we gave the cats some lovin and brushin and they were all happy and content, and we could go.

Got back home safely. Here I am in bed. Sleeping again soon. Tomorrow is another day. George, that bastard, should be gone and my energy should be back. Tomorrow night there’s a club night going on, and several of my friends want to go.
I can do this. I need to get out. I will be well. I can do this.

George went away yesterday. I was still bleeding moderately up through Saturday, and he finally died down by a lot on Sunday and was nearly gone by yesterday.

Saturday was spent hanging with my friend who’d seen me through my surgery. She’d moved out of state several months ago and just moved back again, so we hung out for the first time since her return and had a lovely time.

Yay for that, but I’m depressed. The rest of this journal entry will be one big, long pity party.

Later Saturday evening, some friends begged me to come out and join them for a pseudo-bachelorette party – I noticed by Saturday that depression was starting to sink in, and with it the old agoraphobia and social anxiety again. But I ended up going out, anyway.
On Sunday, I went to a going-away barbecue near the beach of our island. It was cold and windy and sunny, so I shivered and sunburned. I was SUPER social-anxiety-girl that day, too for some reason. I know some of these people, and I joked that it was an impromptu East Bay gothnic – only selective – because it was for mutual friends moving out of state. But still, my face fried…again. Second time in a friggin month and it’s my own damned fault.

I’d started eating chocolate again over the weekend, too, and now my entire face and neck is broken out in zits along with the damned sunburn.

Sunday night we joined a friend for sushi dinner in his neck of the woods. Even though there were only three of us, my social anxiety was still peaking. I was glad to come back home at the end of the night, but upset that I’d not done any laundry over the weekend.

Yesterday I started working on my astrology site again while doing laundry, and became immediately overwhelmed again by all that still needs to be written. Tonight sealed my failure when I found a site called My Astrology Book, whereby this guy does pretty much what I’ve been trying to do for two years, only he’s much smarter and quicker than I am. I wish I’d never found this site. I found it while doing research on Sun gods. But now it’s too late. I found the site and I want to scrap all the work I’ve done. I’m fatalistic – it’s bred into me. I can’t stop the wallowing, now.

This spiraled me into “what am I going to do with my life come October?”

Then there’s the fact that I just got paid, yet with all the bills due (two credit cards now and rent, mostly), I have $150 to last me for the next 15 days, and this has to cover gas and groceries and laundry. Gas alone is $20 every three days.

Then there’s the fact that I’ve gained a lot of weight again. I’m up into the 160’s again. That’s 20lbs shy from where I started off in April 2006 and it’s because I’ve discovered gluten free carbs and ice cream again and have been pigging out accordingly.

This is all too much for me right now. I’m full on depressed. It’s time for bed in 13 minutes. My neck and shoulders have been locking up again regularly, so I’ve been popping muscle relaxers again, which also contributes to weight gain.

I want out of this. I want a miracle rescue. I want to be taken care of. My man invited me to dinner and a movie tonight. I went over my budget and told him I couldn’t do it. He was sad, hugged me, told me he was sorry, and went off to join his friend for said dinner and movie. I was left jealous and mad, hiding all of this from him of course. I wanted him to say he’d cover me no problem. I want to be taken care of. But he won’t do it. And why should he? But that’s where I’m at right now – weak, vulnerable, giving up, broken morale, left to fend for myself regardless. And there ain’t no one gonna take care of me but me, and I don’t wanna do it. I’m abandoning myself, abdicating responsibility. Why? Aren’t we the makers of our own reality?
Why must I be so overwhelmed? Why can’t I just say ‘oh neat!’ about this astrology site I’ve found, and keep working on mine? Why the jealousy? Why the defeatist attitude? Why the insecurity?

I don’t know. It’s my mom’s fault? I learned it from her? How do I unlearn it when I can’t seem to get past this moment of abject heartbreaking sorrow over my financial and career choices?
I’m not in control of my diet, my finances, my career choices, so I hired a health counselor whom I’ve been paying $150 a month with no noticeable change or benefit yet to be seen. As a matter of fact, since seeing her, I’ve REBELLED quite a bit, especially on the dietary front. I can’t even PAY someone to fix my life.

I know it’s a full moon – this too shall pass, right?

I shall now take deep breaths and go to sleep, and remember that tomorrow is another day, and not only that, but another day closer to the weekend.

Hooray for journaling! I feel somewhat better, now.

Last night on the way home from work, I decided I want to redo my website and journal. I want to create custom rss feeds for my homepage. Failing that last night, I turned to a new journal design, which I’ve also been thinking about lately.

I succeeded with the journal design, at least.

The changes you see before you reflect change in the person as well. I got tired of all the depressing blue and black. I felt I was keeping myself in a cold depressive funk by the very colours and imagery I’d chosen to reflect my personality through this journal.

The new design I’ve picked and tweaked feels warm. I hope my overall tone begins to change as well. I’m tired of being the depressed pessimist with never-ending health problems. I want all that to change in 2007.

October 31st was my New Year’s Eve, and I’d started thinking about what changes I want for myself in the coming year. It took me about two months to even get used to the harsh changes that I plan for myself, and now, tomorrow, on the New Year’s Eve that is more widely acknowledged, I can officially throw the stone out to sea with the things I don’t want anymore.

I’ve realised in the last two months that I’d become an alcoholic again. I’d become chronically depressed again. I acknowledged consciously once more that all I ever talk about are my health problems. I realised that my grudge against my mother’s side of the family was at fever pitch again for no good reason. And then, to drive it all home, between December 17th and December 29th, I sprained my ankle while piss-drunk, threw out my back days later, got a horrible sinus infection, and got my usual debilitating period while still trying to recover from all the other injuries.

My first reaction of course was self pity and depression, along with the fatalist overtones I learned so well from my mother and her family. But I kept thinking of that song, which I’ve had playing on and off in my head for a year now, and of my determination to finally GET IT on a conscious level.

I think I’m finally getting it.

Saturn is retrograde from December 5, 2006 until April 19, 2007.

According to Judy Collins of the Arizona Society of Astrologers, “A retrograde Saturn makes the individual seek a different kind of responsibility and purpose in life. The person may be challenged by either the father or other authority figures to take more responsibility for their actions. Through the past life experiences, they answer their critics with a slow persistence of reaching their goals in life. Where the planet is by house and where it rules shows the area where they will have to strive hard for success. A retrograde Saturn builds the character to accept small gains in the long process of success. Security issues need to be addressed in their present life and only when the ego does not interfere, does the individual feel a sense of peace. Saturn’s sign in the chart is where the person needs to address the demands and responsibilities of life.“.

Well hm. I don’t know how to do chart progressions. I’ve sat here for hours digging through my astrology books, before finally ordering a chart progression online from a site I’ve visited for years.

I do know where Saturn was at the time of my birth, though. Saturn was in the 2nd house of my natal chart. Not a good placement. Spells a life of financial trouble. I was set from day one to grow up in poverty and have financial woes. However, I firmly believe that I chose this path for myself, pre-incarnation.
It’s been a life-long struggle to overcome being so pissed off by my own karmic choice.

With that, I also know I won’t stop talking about my health issues as I continue to find a way to overcome them, but perhaps I can approach it without such a defeatist attitude.

In general, I want to start approaching what’s left of my life in a healthier manner for myself.
And by “what’s left of my life”, I mean exactly that. I have no idea when my life could end. I could live long or I could die before finishing this journal entry.

It feels good to think of letting go. I want to be able to believe that I can achieve letting go in 2007.

Susan Miller of Astrology Zone writes for this month’s Virgo forecast, “The past year has been a tough one for you, due to the eclipses, but you seem to have adjusted well. Pat yourself on the back for having shown so much strength and fortitude in the face of so many challenges, dear Virgo. I raise my glass of champagne to you.”

Thank you.

January 18, 2009 edit: Well the web design is back in black again…because Endometriosis is such a dark place emotionally. And because well, I liked the old style diary page look.

Gah. In the last two days there’s been so much stuff, I dunno where to start.

I guess I’ll start by jotting notes and expounding as time permits.

• george
• diet
• school shootings
• depression
• the co-worker
• job hunting

Last month, after I was out of work for two days in a row due to george, my boss decided that the next time george showed up, we’d ALL take a day off work. I counted the days and predicted that September 14th would be the day I’d need to go out of work sick again, and we kept the schedule clear and warned our patients that we’d be closed that day.

Well, george showed up on Wednesday morning – the day before the planned Day Off. I immediately popped 600mg Ibuprofen and went in to work. I was mostly sluggish at work, and only had a little pain. I took 600mg more of Ibuprofen at lunch and made it through the day. When I got home from work, george let me have it all night and into the planned Day Off, so I did schedule well, after all.

The co-worker has been getting bitten by Karma, lately. She’s so mean to me and then so nice, and mean again. Then when shit happens to her, I’m always nice and understanding. Her youngest daughter’s father showed up at the kid’s school last week to pick her up, only it wasn’t his weekend to get custody of her so the school notified the co-worker, who panicked. I told her to leave immediately and wished her luck, and told her that by law, the school cannot allow the child to leave with the parent who does not have custody, until she gets there and releases the child. I told her I knew this from working in daycare for five years.

The co-worker HUGGED me for that, and left.

Also shitty in the co-worker’s life is that she got pregnant by her current boyfriend. They’d both talked about it, both decided “sure, let’s have a baby, we’ve been dating for two years, why not?”
But as soon as it became reality, the boyfriend said he’d decided he really didn’t want a baby, after all. So she scheduled an abortion.
Again, I was understanding and I told her about my two abortions over a ten year period. We bitched at length about guys not understanding that an abortion is not a trip to the nail salon.
I told her I’d call her to check up on her, and I did, even though I was medicated for my own southern region pain for just my normal monthly period.

I tried to go in to work today, but my boss told me no. She didn’t want to have to deal with me becoming sick with george at work. I had felt well enough this morning and told her I was pretty sure I could get through half the day. She still denied me and told me to stay home.

The woman who originally told me about this job is my masseuse, who used to work for Bosslady.
My masseuse called the office one day and asked to speak to co-worker. They talked for several minutes in the lab. I later found out that co-worker thanked my masseuse for sending me to that job.

THANKED HER.

My masseuse was so awestruck by that comment that she told Boss and Boss told me.

So all this time, I’ve been telling Boss that I know co-worker has a sweet side – I’ve SEEN it – it’s just that we have this huge personality conflict and racial issues that somehow we can’t get around *cough*because of her*cough*, and now we both get to hear about how this girl really feels about me after all the bullshit.

Well, it’s good to know, even if I also know that she’ll be back down my throat and humiliating me again Real Soon Now, because she hasn’t learned to rise out of her anger issues, yet.

Because of the constant emotional turmoil with co-worker, and also because george was nearing, I have been eating REALLY badly. I’ve been constantly eating junk food and drinking pop. I started eating chocolate again, too. This led to depression AND worst of all, the rash between my tits came back. I have yeast overgrowth again from all the sugar intake since June.

So after this weekend, I will once again cut sugar from the diet. And I’m sure to have quite an emotional meltdown with the withdrawls again.
I got through it once, I can get through it again.

My horoscope has been good to me this month, too.
Even the Yahoo! astrological forecast says good things about this month. These two forecasts have given me renewed energy in my job hunt, and last week I began sending out resumes again.
I got a call within a couple of days, and have already had one interview.

The jobs I am applying to are in the tech industry again.

After being outside of the tech industry working for a non-profit and then a mom-and-pop store, I can now see the error of my ways.

In corporate hell, I got spoiled and bratty and princessy. I started to expect to be treated like the company had everything to lose if they mistreated me.

I needed this little setback to see with renewed eyes just how easy I’ve had it these last eight years. Even though I was in job after job after job. Even though I was in one contract after another. I still had it SO good.

Reading Nickel and Dimed during this period away from corporations has also done wonders for opening my eyes (and reminding me what my mother went through and still goes through).

So yeah…I’m going back to the tech industry – to the corporations. And I’m going to save as much money as I can to make sure I don’t end up in the low place anymore, or worse yet, like my Ma, still working the midnight shift at age 62.
And I’m going to be much better behaved than I was at my last two contract jobs in the tech industry.

Hind sight and all that.

Growing is good.

The only thing I haven’t hit on in today’s post is the recent school shootings. I’ve no energy left to tackle that one right now, though.

Time to go lay down again with the heating pad. George better be gone by Sunday – that’s my birthday, dammit!