I Will Not Suffer In Silence

So the threat of cramps was real. I’ve been bleeding heavily all day, and the cramps got to me at work twice today. I consumed 1,600mg of Ibuprofen, and now at 9:25pm I’m crying “Uncle” and took 800mg more of Ibuprofen, for a total of 2,400mg today. I’m camped out in bed with the laptop, and a rice heating pad on my pelvis. I wager I’m at a 6.8 on the pain scale right now.

This recent bout of cramps began soon after I lifted 3lb weights. I had stretched my torso out doing some of the weight exercises, and that may have stirred things up a bit. Ouch.

I really want half a vicoprofen, but I’m down to my last pill. Time to get in touch with a Kaiser GYN. I’m new to Kaiser again. I had Kaiser through my work for a short time in 2012 when my husband was unemployed. Then I got on his insurance once he became re-employed. Then, this year I had to get on Kaiser through my work again, because my husband divorced me to go be with the woman he cheated on me with…who lives in welfare housing and has two children under the age of 6. Good luck with that new life. He has to support her, her two kids, AND me (through alimony). Good luck with that. [expletives deleted].

I’m bleeding like a stuck pig, I swear.

I wanted to update you on the alcohol consumption. The fear of side effects on Wellbutrin did not last long, and so I went back to drinking while out at the clubs. So far I have not had any seizures, but I have been seriously hungover from only 3 drinks. :p

The depression still comes in waves, and is no longer tied to being bedridden from endometriosis. Nowadays, when I talk about depression, it’s because of the affair and divorce.

But the endometriosis is still there with me. Right now, the pain is radiating from my uterus down both of the outsides of my legs, down to my knees. I have been super fatigued all day. I came home from work and just parked my ass on the couch for hours before finally crawling into bed out of resignation to the cramps.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Well here we are a full month later, and George decided to psych me out. He showed up a week ago only for one big splotch, and then left again for a whole week. He showed up again last night around four in the morning, and has gained in flow ever since.

I have consumed 1,200mg of ibuprofen today, and I worry that the pain will continue to increase. Right now, the pain is about a five on the scale. Between five and six.

Regarding the drinking, I inadvertently became completely sober this week, when I was assigned a new medication to take in dealing with the depression. I am now on Wellbutrin, and any drinking on it threatens to give me seizures amongst other horrible things. One of my friends have confirmed that Wellbutrin is a nasty thing to take with alcohol. So that is one less thing I have in my life for now to make the pain worse with Endo. I just have to watch out for eating sugar and caffeine has the other culprits.

The depression has been ever constant, and I am quite sick of it. I am hoping that the new medicine I am on well finally get me back on track with my life. I’m on four different medications now just to make my life right again. I’ll never forgive that sonofabitch for what he did.

Going back to my symptoms for moment. I have had heavy fatigue since yesterday actually, since Saturday. I slept through Saturday again. Part of it as depression, and part of it is being close to that Indo flare. I’m still able to go to work, as long as I hop myself up on ibuprofen.

George showed up on August 31, and departed by September 5.
The heaviest, most painful days were September 1 and 2, and I’m SO lucky that I had September 2 off of work (Labor Day), otherwise my life would have really sucked.

I wonder if my period was more painful because I’ve been drinking more alcohol lately. I’ve been drinking more because I’m chronically depressed in the wake of what’s happened to me in the past year. I’m still not over the idea that my husband would be the type of person to have an affair for the better part of 2012 without my knowledge until about 3 months into the affair, and then it took me nearly 5 months to prove the damned affair was happening. He left me for her. He divorced me for her. How could this happen TO ME?!

Hence, drinking.

Is that why I’m in more physical pain?

Oh.

Time to do something about that.

This month was a blue moon month, and also a blue cycle month. Two full moons and two cycles in one month. My friend Kristine calls my period my Wolf Time, since my periods seem to happen around the time of the full moon. ;)

This cycle began last night in the middle of the night. For a day or two prior, my body felt heavy and I was out of breath easier. I had very mild twinges of cramping, especially on Saturday. The PMS cravings were on the increase this month, a full week before my period.

This cycle is painful – I’m guessing a 7 on the pain scale. It got to be enough that I got nauseous this morning, whimpered in pain or cried out throughout the day, and finally dug into my old medicine stash of Vicoprofen.
Now I’m happily dissociated from the pain, but I’m bleeding heavily and have to go to the bathroom often.

While I’m sad to miss the Labor Day weekend’s events because of the pain, I’m happy that the worst of my pain will hopefully happen while I’m off work for the holiday, so I don’t have to miss any work.

I think my pain level is increased this month because I’ve been drinking a lot of alcohol this month. I’m still going through major depression in the wake of the divorce. Even though the divorce was final on July 5, 2013, I’m still a bit of a basketcase over it.

Today I spent the day sleeping; on the couch and in my bed. I used the heating pad all day. Right now I’m going back and forth between writing this entry, watching Ghost Hunters and watching Sleepy Hollow. I can’t seem to focus on any one thing for too long. I blame the vicoprofen. ;)

So it’s been another 30 days, and george decided to show up yesterday. I’ve got my calendar set to 30 day cycles, now. Better than the freak accident of last month, when he showed up at the 19-day mark.

Today is Day 2 and is a bit heavier than yesterday. I went through 4 pads today.

Starting yesterday, I was depressed because I am easily out of breath, heavily fatigued, and in general bloated. This is so not the right time to pick back up on the exercise regimen, but the mental bashing happens every month around the time of my period – guilty at not having spent 3-4 weeks of uptime as a gym rat, working out and getting beefcakey. BAH. Whatever. I’m tired of the self-inflicted guilt trips already.

I’m tired – so tired. I had an asthma attack today – first one in many months – don’t know if it was brought on by weekend campfire, cleaning the tub last night with Tilex, or getting an email from my ex husband asking for his ring back (which sent me into a rage). The wheezing definitely does not help the already feeling out of breath issue. meh.

I have consumed 1,600mg of Advil to quell the pain today, and I used my rice heating pad at work. I have already added 100mg of gabapentin daily to make 300mg/day while in the endo flare. I hope I am not in any more pain tomorrow than I was in today. If I start missing work again, this will pile more guilt and fear on me, since I’m supposed to take a head teaching position come end of August.

Ugh. I can feel it – it’s getting heavier. I’m going to bed.

The endo flare began on Sunday, and presented with full body exhaustion. Granted, I had gone out dancing on Friday, ran around on an aircraft carrier for 7 hours on Saturday, then went dancing Saturday night.
On Sunday, I slept for 14 hours, got up for 4 hours, then went back to bed for another 10 hours.
When I awoke on Monday, the pain and bleeding began.

Today is Day 2 of the latest cycle. I have been no higher than a 6 on the pain scale, but I am still thoroughly exhausted and body-fatigued.
I took half a Tylenol 3 for the pain last night, because I had to go see my shrink when I just wanted to be in bed, and the drive to and from my shrink’s office knocked my innards all over the place (I drive a 16-year-old Dodge Neon, which is like a go-kart).

I have been following my psychiatrist’s advice and taking an extra pill per day of Gabapentin during my endo flares – I’m convinced it really is helping to reduce the pain.

I went to work yesterday and today, and made it through the entire day. Hopefully, tomorrow the flare will begin to subside, and then I’m golden again til next cycle.

The pre-menstrual cramping and symptoms have been nearly ommitted by taking Gabapentin, so for the past three months, I’ve been surprised when george does show up. Though Monday morning I knew when I got out of bed, I’d be greeted by the bastard, cuz I was cramping upon waking.

Today’s pain has consisted of gnawing lower front uterine cramps, as well as intermittent stabbing left side ovarian pain. Great. The endo is returning for a third time to the left ovary. Get thee to menopause, stat! No more surgeries!!

The pain abated by Friday. This cycle, I had two days of 7 on the pain scale, and three heavy days altogether. I wasn’t bedridden and I didn’t take time off of work, but the high number on the pain scale is alarming. I hope I’m not plateauing on the Gabapentin already. I will talk to my shrink about increasing dosage again.

Friday night, I did an overnight tour on the U.S.S. Hornet for their ghost hunting adventure. I helped lead people around the ship into the wee hours of the night. I had intermittent cramping because of all the ladders I had to climb, and all the walking I had to do on the aircraft carrier. But I was glad to be away from home. I spent the night in the Torpedo berthing area with a bunch of other women, and I left right after breakfast the next morning.

I slept for most of the day on Saturday, because I’d gone to bed near 4am and hardly slept. Women had chatter going on, or early alarm clocks set. I swear, they were up at 6am. The navy reveille sounded at 8am, but I was already up and loading my sleeping bag into my car by that time.

Sleeping in is always a problem for me these days, because my depression worsens when I don’t have to be up and about, doing things to forget that divorce has happened to me. And yet, I’d only slept maybe 2 hours, so my body was exhausted – I had to sleep when I got home. When I finally got out of bed, it was near 6pm. My friend texted me and asked if I’d like to go out with her to one of her DJ gigs, and I leapt at the opportunity to get out of the house and thusly my depression.

We didn’t get home til about 2am, and I slept in again. I should have just scheduled myself to go back to the U.S.S. Hornet bright and early, but there it is again – that fine line between prolonged sleep deprivation and depression. Too much sleep deprivation leads to more depression. Sleeping in on weekends leads to more depression. I feel like I just can’t win.

I have to be somewhere in a couple of hours, so at least I can forget about the depression again for awhile this evening. Then it’s back to work again tomorrow for an intense week of state exams for my poor little first and second graders.

I continue to marvel at the lack of being bedridden since starting on Gabapentin.

My most recent endo pain flare began last week, with intermittent stinging pain in the uterus and left ovary, which lasted for a couple of days.

Then, without warning, george showed up yesterday, a day earlier than I expected. Then the crushing fatigue set in.

I consumed 1,200mg of Ibuprofen yesterday, and another 1,200mg today, and managed to get through the work day. I have gone to bed early for the past two nights – I’m in bed now and will be heading to sleep very soon. The full body fatigue is as I said crushing, and it is a symptom of endometriosis.

Ya know, I have a rant.

One of the big things my ex told me he was leaving me for was because “you have a need to let people know you’re in pain, all the time.”
He was referring to me posting when I’m having an endo flare, about me having specific friends who also suffer with endo whom I can relate with, and my ongoing endo blog.

What also really pisses me off is… had I listened to my doctor years ago, and started taking Gabapentin, I might not have been in this divorce boat, because I’d not be bedridden and therefore not such an invalid in my husband’s eyes.

I have suffered shaming and guilt all of my life – first through my parents, then with the endo, and now with my ex. Part of my rage is because he shamed me by having not just an affair, but holding it in my face, in the clubs, for my friends to see and ask me about. He lied to me when questioned. He lied for months until he got sloppy. And then he cites one of the reasons for leaving me was that he doesn’t like me being vocal about my illness.

So instead of being shamed to silence, I will remind the world of my blog’s name: I WILL NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE.

More to the point, I will react like O Ren Ishii upon one’s attempt to shame me into silence.
He got publicly castrated and financially burdened.

As mentioned in my previous post, I have not been bedridden but for one day in…officially five months, now.

I’m enduring a new endometriosis flare, which is why I decided to post to my blog. While not currently bedridden, there is always the chance that the pain will get bad again as the endometriosis continues to grow, so I greet each non-bedridden day with a sigh of relief.

My head teacher is out of work this week with the flu. I had the flu back on February 8th, but Ms. V has it *really* bad. I filled in as head teacher yesterday and today, and will do so again tomorrow, so I’m hoping the pain doesn’t get any worse than it already is (I’m currently about a 6 on the pain scale).

I’m also down to my last few Tylenol 3 pills, so I have to be at a 7 or above on the pain scale before I can justify taking any. I just sent out a request on Facebook for anyone who is willing to score me some Tylenol 1 pills. It’s not Tylenol 3 but it is easier to purchase, especially if one lives in or really close to Canada, where it is sold over the counter.

I was supposed to start seeing a pain management specialist in the fall of last year, but finding out about my husband’s affair ended my rational world, and I could barely keep myself alive, much less pursue time off work for pain management appointments. I’m still in the woods psychologically speaking – the depression comes and goes, taking steep dives regularly but thankfully not every hour of every day anymore (thanks to Gabapentin and Zyprexa and Vitamin D).

I found out that I can remain on his insurance, but do I really want to? It’s just one more thing to keep me tied to him.
If I join my workplace’s health insurance of choice (Kaiser Permanente), I will have to pay a huge co-pay each time I do pain management and doctor appointments, until the deductible is met, and I don’t have the money to do that.

I don’t know which way to go.

As if going through a divorce and still dealing with medical crap, and all the associated medical bills isn’t enough… I had to put my cat to sleep on February 12. Kijika (Kee-yee-kah) had pancreatic cancer which had spread to his liver, and he was already end-stage renal failure. He lived a long life – less than a month shy of age 17 – and I did the best I could for him. I spent two days crying, but I had seen that day coming for nearly three years because of the renal failure, and since last September for sure when he got the cancer diagnosis. I am having him cremated and I will keep his ashes in a cedar box that the Vet is putting together for me.

My girl cat Zenaide (Zeh-nay-ed) has been wandering the house meowing with force, and it’s been driving me crazy. I finally caved in tonight and let her sleep on the bed – something I haven’t done since the last time I lived on my own (back in 2003).

That’s all I’ve got update-wise for now.

I have been away for six months. The reason is that my husband had a physical affair which took me two months to prove, but once I did prove the affair, I was genuinely surprised that it WASN’T all in my head. I never thought he was capable of such betrayal from a person I spent TWELVE YEARS with. I was a complete basket case for three months, attempting suicide multiple times, and ending up in hospital for a week.

The good thing in all of this, as it relates to this journal, is that I was forcibly medicated with Gabapentin (Neurontin) as a mood stabiliser.

Gabapentin was recommended to me by my surgeon back in 2010, but I was too afraid to take it because of the listed side effects. I always hit into the rare category of side effects on any medication.
Now, being told in hospital that I would not be released unless I took medication, I had to give it a try. They started me out on a very low dose – 300mg – and I got head, arm and hand tremors. So they reduced it to 200mg and my mood improved fantastically.

What I also found out is that the neuropathy and severe pain were reduced to the point that I WAS NOT bedridden for the next FOUR MONTHS!!!

Last month’s cycle had me bedridden for one day, and this month’s cycle is hurting me enough that, had I gone in to work today, I’d have come home early due to the pain. Thankfully, today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, so I did not have to work. Hopefully by tomorrow, the pain will have abated again.

The bleeding is still heavy every cycle – that has not changed. But going from 3-4 days bedridden down to 0-1 day is a huge, positive change.

The Gabapentin has also helped me with chemical sensitivity – I don’t know how but it has. The nerve channels are blocked in the brain and the message that says, “I’M DYING” from the pain and from scented products is no longer getting delivered. The threat level has been reduced to, “Oh, that’s unpleasant.”

So I am thankful that I am on Gabapentin, now, but holy shit, what a path to travel to begin taking it.

I’m still not out of the woods, emotionally after the affair. There is no reconciliation – he declared he was in love with this woman, WHOM I USED TO BABYSIT FOR, and he said horrible things to me. One of the things he said with bitterness is that I have a need to continually let people know that I’m in pain, whether emotional or physical. I told him that my endometriosis blog exists for the very reason of letting people know I’m in pain, because talking about pelvic pain is still taboo, and people like me are putting a face to it. He told me he didn’t like that. He told me he couldn’t care for me anymore. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. And then he went back to HER, so I kicked him out of the house. He came back almost a month later to officially move all his crap out of the house, and he tried to take the bed, the couch, the dishwasher, the toaster and the microwave with him!!!! I forbade him to clean me out and threatened to call the police. I then hired a lawyer. He is the one who filed for divorce. The proceedings cannot happen quickly enough, but I want to make sure I’m not getting screwed. I cannot trust this man to be honest about *anything*, which is why I’ve hired a lawyer to check all paperwork he sends and all paperwork I have to fill out to get back to his paralegals.

It took me roughly five months to even accept that he was in his right mind, that he was capable of hiding so much of his sinister life from me. But then I found a thumb-drive with a bunch of his files on it, and it included letters and mix-tapes he sent to ANOTHER woman back in 2009. This appears to have been an emotional affair, but it lasted TWO YEARS. The affair began three months BEFORE our honeymoon…so only three months into our marriage. We’d been together for 8 years before we got married, but according to some of my guy friends, the very act of getting married scarred him or something, and he immediately regretted the committal, despite already being with me for 8 years.

This is why I have not posted to my blog in so long. I don’t know how often I will post in the coming months. My endo is fairly well-managed for the time being, but my emotional state is still shot.

The state of my insurance is up in the air – I don’t know how much longer I’m covered under his insurance policy, and my workplace only offers Kaiser insurance, which is a crappy HMO insurance. I’ve rationed the last of my Tylenol 3 for the past six months; I haven’t had ANY in five months – but I finally relented and took a half a pill today.

So much change. I want 2013 to bring me peace and happiness. I want to start healing both emotionally and physically. I write these things with the full knowledge that I also wish I just didn’t have to breathe, anymore. I’m so emotionally exhausted.