George and The Pill

I got impatient and decided today was the day to finally clean out my linux box. The fan has needed cleaning for some time, now. I hefted the old Hewlett Packard PC outside and sprayed canned air in it. The act of lifting a heavy object I think is what brought george on. George arrived around noon today, shortly after I’d hefted my computer.

There was minor cramping and normal bleeding. I took the first of my birth control pills (Yasmin) at 2pm.

The cramps persisted throughout the day, never becoming debilitating.

The first dose of Yasmin made me slightly nauseous within 2 hours, and the nausea has come and go all day – always just enough to be annoying but not stopping me from eating a meal.

A ball of hormonal whack

While at work yesterday, one of my cow-orkers decided to pick me to vent her lovelife woes to, and asked if we could hang out at lunch. I dig this cow-orker, so I said yes. The entire lunch hour was spent trying to tell me the backstory leading up to the clincher. The entire hour!
Because she didn’t finish her story, it had to be continued, but I didn’t think she’d try to continue it through the rest of MY workday. This is where the line was crossed.

I have major anxiety issues around TIME and I told her this at lunch as soon as she crossed the half-hour mark. Every second of my time is regulated at work. I have exactly 15 minutes for break twice a day and exactly 60 minutes for lunch. I have to be back in my seat at the appropriate time and ready to take calls or I stress out because management says they log into our machines when we are NOT on time, to see what we are doing. I don’t care if she doesn’t care about her time at work. That’s not my problem. But don’t make your bad habits MY problem, y’know? I had to tell her several times to go back to her desk or that I’d reply to her chat messages as soon as I could.

She’s my age but I felt like I was counselling a high schooler.

The argument could be made that I ALLOWED my time to be owned by this girl, and that is correct. I was trying to be a good listener. She sought me out. But after awhile it crossed the line is all, and I don’t always know how to stop it while in the midst of it. It’s only after the injury that I can look back and see where things should have been reigned in.

*sigh*

So I came home last night and was still depressed in general. I was worn out from my cow-orker but depressed because of PMS. Two different things intersecting. I took a muscle relaxer because my upper back and neck were stiff yet again, and the joints aching. I plopped down in front of the TV to finish watching Berkeley Square.

When I was finished watching TV, I began sobbing. I was mad at the TV series. I was mad at the fact that I’ve just accepted full time employment with the job that’s so far away. I was depressed because I spent a lot of money in the past week and I should be saving it because I owe on two personal loans. I was mad that there was no one to go clubbing with – and no club night last night anyway. I cried because I missed my boyfriend. I cried because Friday was my grandmother’s birthday (She’s been dead for 21 years though). I cried because I was alone while a party went on next door. I cried because I’m afraid of being in pain again this month from george, who I thought was due yesterday but is really due today. Related to that, I cried because I’m afraid I’ll miss more work this month from george pain, even though I’ve just had surgery – people at work think I’m all better now. They don’t understand.

I woke up this morning after having two nightmares. The first involved being witness to three people being murdered by a psychopath and being made into sausage. The second involved me getting away from a male – I hurt him and caused him to bleed heavily when I thought I was being attacked. He came after me. Someone shot him or otherwise splattered him, and I looked back and saw a lung gush with massive amounts of blood out of the guy’s mouth. I looked in horror as I realised I’d be blamed for the guy’s death and people would never know I was the one who was attacked.

I suspect too that the muscle relaxers I’ve been taking before bed this week have had a CNS Depressant effect on me, further irritating my already fragile emotions which are a result in my opinion of continued post-op blues and PMS.

Regarding post-op developments…
My belly button and the area just below the button are still painful to the touch and still bruised inside. I still have the three raised scabs. It’s still painful to lay on my stomach, and sometimes hurts when I roll over onto my side, or if I get up out of bed too quick. I keep forgetting to adhere to the rule against picking up heavy things, but I haven’t tried to pick up a computer monitor or anything stupid like that. ;)
So healing continues to go well.

I’m just impatient for george to show up and leave already, and I’m worrying about the birth control pill’s side effects.

Post-op, Day 9 – Outstanding issues

I forgot to follow up on a couple of issues.

On Day 3 of post-op, I finally began experiencing the dreaded shoulder pain, which happens as a result of the migration upwards of carbon dioxide gas, which was pumped into me on the day of surgery. The gas enables the surgeon to inflate my trunk and therefore move my organs around easier.
The shoulder pain felt like joint pain. My shoulders were VERY tense during this time – it hurt to even touch my neck and shoulders. I applied a heating pad as instructed, and took Ibuprofen by Day 4. The shoulder pain subsided by end of Day 5.

On Day 7, I experienced mittelschmerz. I experience this nearly every month. Only, this month, I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t thinking about it. I figured since I had surgery, it wouldn’t happen. Stupid me.
Mittelschmerz is German for “middle pain”, and it applies to painful ovulation, or early onset of menstrual cramps.

I looked it up, and according to babyhopes.com, “Most women who experience painful ovulation usually report a nagging pain that begins as a sharp twinge and diminishes into a dull ache for the next day or so. But for some women, the pain can be severe enough to be disabling and can even be confused with appendicitis. Occasionally, in addition to mid cycle pain and cramping, some women may experience nausea, and/or light menstrual spotting. Mittelschmerz lasts for 6 to 8 hours in most women; however, occasionally it can last as long as twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”

The pain I had on Day 7 was so debilitating that I was bedridden for most of the day. I took TWO Tylenol 3 and 600mg of Ibuprofen that day. The pain lasted into Day 8. I applied one Tylenol 3 and one Ibuprofen that day (yesterday).

The Mittelschmerz is BAD, because (according to the site referenced above), “Painful ovulation/mittelschmerz is believed to be caused by a small leakage of blood from the ovary that occurs at the time of ovulation. This blood, which is later reabsorbed, is thought to cause an irritation of the abdominal wall which causes pain.
This leakage is also what I believe to contribute to Endometriosis. Which means the disease is unstoppable – it does not take breaks, “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!” (sorry, I couldn’t help the Terminator quote).

Today, despite having to take Tylenol 3 again for pain, I persevered and was able to work at my desk for most of the day. I only took one nap. The mid to upper back pain is still a big issue, though, while I try to regain muscle strength after being bedridden for a week.

The last issue facing me is that due to the ovulation, I now have PMS hormones coursing at light speed through my veins. I was sitting on the couch working on a genealogy project last night when suddenly I had a mild panic attack. I realised that I could feel my veins pumping in my neck and shoulders, and it was difficult to breathe. I had to stretch out and do breathing exercises to calm myself down. The same thing happened again today while I was napping. I awoke suddenly in a panic, veins pumping. When I got up, I was shivering, even though the house was warm. I paced the house and did some dishes (go me! First time in a week I was able to do all the dishes in one standing!), and the warmth of the dishwater and steam warmed me up and calmed me down.

I’m really afraid of taking synthetic hormones. I am slated to go on The Pill as soon as I start menstruating in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure if I’ll chicken out or not. I’m afraid of all the side effects, and I worry about my mental state. I’m diagnosed Major Depressive and I get suicidal ideation. I’m terrified my boobs will grow and I still have gender issues, especially surrounding having tits. I’m already a 38C and that hurts enough as it is. I may chicken out of taking The Pill.

But the alternatives are not pretty, either. The Endometriosis grows back. Taking The Pill supresses the disease, they say, because of the progesterone in it. Why have surgery if I get all the crap removed and allow it to grow back? Hm. Well, the surgery was for peace of mind to say “SEE? I TOLD YOU!!” to the medical industry. But still. Why allow the stuff to grow back?

I don’t want to be one of those women who have half a dozen or more surgeries in their lifetimes. I don’t ever want a surgery again if I can help it!