george pains, fun times, and scary video

I started getting strong pinching pains in my left ovary again yesterday on the way to see my friends. But still no george. I’d been sobbing again due to emotional hormonal whack, and my eyes were very sore and I just wasn’t in any mood to go out. But I told my friends I would be there. So I went and actually had a great time! My friends rock the house. :)

I got home and the pain started up again. I took some Ibuprofen and was in bed before Midnight. Woke up this morning to yet more ovarian pain. Still no george. I know he’s likely to be late (and well now he is) due to surgery. But I really can’t take much more time off work right now, especially since I just got hired. I hope that when he does show up that there’s no pain. But somehow I don’t think that will be the case, given all the pre-george pain.

And my boyfriend is still at the game convention all this weekend, so I woke up this morning and had heartache cuz he wasn’t there in bed next to me. How pathetic. We only live together for chrissakes. But there it is. I miss him terribly.

And now, the scary video:
I’m not usually a You Tube kind of person, but in getting my nerdy news fix, I came across the scariest video of the day: A Limey View Of The Deep South. I cringed from the moment they announced their goal because I knew they may very well achieve it. I gritted my teeth and winced the entire time, I swear.
Deliverance is not REALLY a fiction type movie, my friends. That is the South. Now these fools know it, too. I laughed my ass off too – this was funny and scary all at the same time.

A ball of hormonal whack

While at work yesterday, one of my cow-orkers decided to pick me to vent her lovelife woes to, and asked if we could hang out at lunch. I dig this cow-orker, so I said yes. The entire lunch hour was spent trying to tell me the backstory leading up to the clincher. The entire hour!
Because she didn’t finish her story, it had to be continued, but I didn’t think she’d try to continue it through the rest of MY workday. This is where the line was crossed.

I have major anxiety issues around TIME and I told her this at lunch as soon as she crossed the half-hour mark. Every second of my time is regulated at work. I have exactly 15 minutes for break twice a day and exactly 60 minutes for lunch. I have to be back in my seat at the appropriate time and ready to take calls or I stress out because management says they log into our machines when we are NOT on time, to see what we are doing. I don’t care if she doesn’t care about her time at work. That’s not my problem. But don’t make your bad habits MY problem, y’know? I had to tell her several times to go back to her desk or that I’d reply to her chat messages as soon as I could.

She’s my age but I felt like I was counselling a high schooler.

The argument could be made that I ALLOWED my time to be owned by this girl, and that is correct. I was trying to be a good listener. She sought me out. But after awhile it crossed the line is all, and I don’t always know how to stop it while in the midst of it. It’s only after the injury that I can look back and see where things should have been reigned in.

*sigh*

So I came home last night and was still depressed in general. I was worn out from my cow-orker but depressed because of PMS. Two different things intersecting. I took a muscle relaxer because my upper back and neck were stiff yet again, and the joints aching. I plopped down in front of the TV to finish watching Berkeley Square.

When I was finished watching TV, I began sobbing. I was mad at the TV series. I was mad at the fact that I’ve just accepted full time employment with the job that’s so far away. I was depressed because I spent a lot of money in the past week and I should be saving it because I owe on two personal loans. I was mad that there was no one to go clubbing with – and no club night last night anyway. I cried because I missed my boyfriend. I cried because Friday was my grandmother’s birthday (She’s been dead for 21 years though). I cried because I was alone while a party went on next door. I cried because I’m afraid of being in pain again this month from george, who I thought was due yesterday but is really due today. Related to that, I cried because I’m afraid I’ll miss more work this month from george pain, even though I’ve just had surgery – people at work think I’m all better now. They don’t understand.

I woke up this morning after having two nightmares. The first involved being witness to three people being murdered by a psychopath and being made into sausage. The second involved me getting away from a male – I hurt him and caused him to bleed heavily when I thought I was being attacked. He came after me. Someone shot him or otherwise splattered him, and I looked back and saw a lung gush with massive amounts of blood out of the guy’s mouth. I looked in horror as I realised I’d be blamed for the guy’s death and people would never know I was the one who was attacked.

I suspect too that the muscle relaxers I’ve been taking before bed this week have had a CNS Depressant effect on me, further irritating my already fragile emotions which are a result in my opinion of continued post-op blues and PMS.

Regarding post-op developments…
My belly button and the area just below the button are still painful to the touch and still bruised inside. I still have the three raised scabs. It’s still painful to lay on my stomach, and sometimes hurts when I roll over onto my side, or if I get up out of bed too quick. I keep forgetting to adhere to the rule against picking up heavy things, but I haven’t tried to pick up a computer monitor or anything stupid like that. ;)
So healing continues to go well.

I’m just impatient for george to show up and leave already, and I’m worrying about the birth control pill’s side effects.

And the winner is…. Me!

Today I finally received a full time job offer from the company I’m temping at! I’m happy and sad for a few reasons. I’m happy because it means I kick ass, otherwise they wouldn’t have hired me. And today, my co-worker teased me about taking the most phone calls of anyone on the team AGAIN yesterday, on my first day back to work, even. I took 66 calls and he only got 60 calls. He said he’s made it his personal plan to beat my record. Go me!
Now if only I could beat the guy who takes the most calls out of ALL the teams…

So I’ve been feeling a bit confident.

I’m also happy because even though it’s still at-will employment, it feels like a step up from being a temporary employee through an agency. My dignity has been restored, shall we say.

Too, I’m happy because now I qualify for my own health insurance, overtime pay on holidays, as well as paid time off (PTO).

I’m sad because I didn’t get a raise out of it. I was so hoping to be paid over $20/hr again. I guess those days are gone for tech support people.

I’m also sad because it feels like I’m committing to this place, which is still giving me anxiety attacks due to having to radically shift my hours around the job, as well as drive so far to work and back each day. I just have to remind myself of the at-will policy and have the ‘no hard feelings’ attitude so I can resume my search for a job closer to home.

On the post-op front, my belly button remains the hardest area to heal because of the waistband on clothing, no matter how loose. I try to hike up or push down, but since I have a bit of a belly, the waist band ends back up around the navel area. The incisions are still scabbed over, as they have been since day one of post-op. They started to itch about four days ago – wish I would have recorded exactly when. The itching is of course good and means the healing is coming along fine.

My gums still hurt from the intubation incident, and now the pain has spread to my teeth on that side of my mouth (the right side). Now I worry I have a jaw infection. Ugh. I’ll see a dentist if the pain gets much worse.

The cankre sore on the inside of my lip went away by last night, and I would largely like to thank the soy sauce I consumed with sushi on Saturday! It stung like hell but the salt is what I needed. I had been using Benzocaine but failed to use the tried and true standby – a salt wash. Must stop relying on pharmaceuticals!!

As of today, my back has really started to hurt again. It’s locking up from sitting all day at work at a desk again. At least when I’m home, I can get up and move around throughout the day. At work, I’m chained to a headset for several hours at a stretch, and I’m squished up against the cubicle so I can’t really stand up much and work, or my ass hits the cube wall (there’s four desks in the cube and they all face each other, so our seats are all squished up against the walls of the cube).

Last news of the day – I hate to make it last news because it’s so cool, but I forgot to announce it on Sunday: both of my nephews, aged nine and twelve, made it to the state finals in wrestling for their age divisions, and the nine-year-old WON the state title for his division! I’m not a big sports fan but these are my nephews, so naturally I’m all proud. I gotta send them something this week to congratulate them.

Post-op, Day 11

Yesterday was my first real day out! My friend sherpa rode the train over, and we picked her up at the station. From there we went to breakfast and then went thrift store shopping to get me some drawstring pants and extra large skirts to get me through this week at work. Three different stores provided me with three skirts and a pair of pants. I probably should have looked for more drawstring pants, elsewhere. Everything was pretty scary, though. We’d have had to go into Oakland to continue thrifting, as I’m pretty sure we’d run out of local thrift shops. I was starting to fade already.

For a bit of a break, we went to Julie’s Tea for scones and tea as planned. I realised that I owed my man for breakfast, so I bought him coffee and scones, and I had some Jasmine tea with scones (did I tell you? I can eat scones! They don’t have enough gluten in them to make my body freak out! YAY!). We lounged in comfy chairs and talked away while enjoying those lovely nibbly things.

Rejuvinated, we were back on our way and splurged at the local used toy store, where I got three more figurines to adorn my computer with. Someday I’ll take a picture of my computer décor…

At this point, I felt bad for all the money I was starting to spend, and I cut myself off. Not only that, but I was starting to fade again. I’d had a big day, and there was still the evening ahead! So we made one last stop at the auto parts store for my car, and took sherpa back to the train station, and headed home for a nap.
I really did need the nap.

I awoke on time to be messaged by another friend who wanted to hang out. We invited our friends to dinner, but they didn’t want to travel that far, so we made arrangements to hang out afterwards.
I was whisked away to our favourite sushi joint, some 40 miles away (our favourite until we find something better, and admittedly, we’ve not scoured all the sushi to be had in Alameda, Oakland, or San Francisco, yet).
I fed until I was about to pop, and for me that’s usually about five nigiri plates worth. Last night, it was four. We’d also had saké to drink with dinner, and plum wine at the end of dinner. On the ride home, I slept!

We got home and within twenty minutes, our friends arrived. I was ready for bed at this point, having had such an energetic day for the first time in about two weeks. I settled into a chair and we chatted, and then broke out our newest favourite game – Redneck Life.
We had a great time! I had some more liquour to drink, and laughed quite a lot with my friends. I got buzzed but not drunk, and realised my stomach was really starting to hurt from all the bending forward to move game pieces and laughing. I started drinking water to move the alcohol through my system. By the end of the game, it was 2am, and my stomach and abdomen hurt pretty badly. It felt like I’d done too many situps. I wanted to take pain medication but I couldn’t because of the alcohol in my system.
Our guests bid us good night, and I whimpered as I put myself to bed.

This morning, I woke up and was still a bit sore, but we had yet another outing planned. We went to breakfast with two more friends, and then returned home. I badly wanted to lay about for the rest of the day, but I needed to do laundry for work, and take care of my car.

Someone else in the house also needs to do laundry, as her cat has been sick and her toilet overflowed this morning, so it will end up taking me most of the day to do laundry. Ah well. I dig my housemates, though. I’m not sure what the proper word for them is. I’d say ‘neighbors’ is probably appropriate, but we all live in the same huge victorian house. Even though each of us has our own private entrance with no common room, we’re still all living under one roof in this huge house. So I tend to use the term ‘housemates’ to refer to people in the other five units.

I also need to get gas and withdraw money to pay back my honey for breakfast this morning, and prepare the week’s allotment of bridge toll. Oi, work starts tomorrow again! I’m nervous. I hope I make it through the week okay, without having to come home early.
Tomorrow I’m also supposed to find out if I’ve been hired full time or not. I will be taking some anti-anxiety meds to get to sleep tonight!

The week after next is a four-day week due to Presidents’ Day. I’d have grimaced at the lack of pay for another day, but george is already due by that day, anyway, so I’ll likely need a day off, anyway.

As soon as I start bleeding, I’m supposed to start taking the birth control pill for “ovarian suppression”. There’s another bit of stress for me – I hope I don’t have complications that would warrant time off work.

Lastly, I want to complain that my throat is STILL sore, but my gums are healing up nicely. I am still spitting up a little phlegm, and therefore still fighting off illness. This is yet another thing that worries me with regards to the possibility of missing more work. I hope it doesn’t erupt into full blown illness. The flu is also going around, and several of my friends and one of my housemates has contracted it – they all say that it’s the worst flu they’ve had in years, and that it takes over a week to even begin feeling like they’re not on their death bed any longer. UGH. Stay away!

Post-op, Day 9 – Outstanding issues

I forgot to follow up on a couple of issues.

On Day 3 of post-op, I finally began experiencing the dreaded shoulder pain, which happens as a result of the migration upwards of carbon dioxide gas, which was pumped into me on the day of surgery. The gas enables the surgeon to inflate my trunk and therefore move my organs around easier.
The shoulder pain felt like joint pain. My shoulders were VERY tense during this time – it hurt to even touch my neck and shoulders. I applied a heating pad as instructed, and took Ibuprofen by Day 4. The shoulder pain subsided by end of Day 5.

On Day 7, I experienced mittelschmerz. I experience this nearly every month. Only, this month, I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t thinking about it. I figured since I had surgery, it wouldn’t happen. Stupid me.
Mittelschmerz is German for “middle pain”, and it applies to painful ovulation, or early onset of menstrual cramps.

I looked it up, and according to babyhopes.com, “Most women who experience painful ovulation usually report a nagging pain that begins as a sharp twinge and diminishes into a dull ache for the next day or so. But for some women, the pain can be severe enough to be disabling and can even be confused with appendicitis. Occasionally, in addition to mid cycle pain and cramping, some women may experience nausea, and/or light menstrual spotting. Mittelschmerz lasts for 6 to 8 hours in most women; however, occasionally it can last as long as twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”

The pain I had on Day 7 was so debilitating that I was bedridden for most of the day. I took TWO Tylenol 3 and 600mg of Ibuprofen that day. The pain lasted into Day 8. I applied one Tylenol 3 and one Ibuprofen that day (yesterday).

The Mittelschmerz is BAD, because (according to the site referenced above), “Painful ovulation/mittelschmerz is believed to be caused by a small leakage of blood from the ovary that occurs at the time of ovulation. This blood, which is later reabsorbed, is thought to cause an irritation of the abdominal wall which causes pain.
This leakage is also what I believe to contribute to Endometriosis. Which means the disease is unstoppable – it does not take breaks, “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!” (sorry, I couldn’t help the Terminator quote).

Today, despite having to take Tylenol 3 again for pain, I persevered and was able to work at my desk for most of the day. I only took one nap. The mid to upper back pain is still a big issue, though, while I try to regain muscle strength after being bedridden for a week.

The last issue facing me is that due to the ovulation, I now have PMS hormones coursing at light speed through my veins. I was sitting on the couch working on a genealogy project last night when suddenly I had a mild panic attack. I realised that I could feel my veins pumping in my neck and shoulders, and it was difficult to breathe. I had to stretch out and do breathing exercises to calm myself down. The same thing happened again today while I was napping. I awoke suddenly in a panic, veins pumping. When I got up, I was shivering, even though the house was warm. I paced the house and did some dishes (go me! First time in a week I was able to do all the dishes in one standing!), and the warmth of the dishwater and steam warmed me up and calmed me down.

I’m really afraid of taking synthetic hormones. I am slated to go on The Pill as soon as I start menstruating in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure if I’ll chicken out or not. I’m afraid of all the side effects, and I worry about my mental state. I’m diagnosed Major Depressive and I get suicidal ideation. I’m terrified my boobs will grow and I still have gender issues, especially surrounding having tits. I’m already a 38C and that hurts enough as it is. I may chicken out of taking The Pill.

But the alternatives are not pretty, either. The Endometriosis grows back. Taking The Pill supresses the disease, they say, because of the progesterone in it. Why have surgery if I get all the crap removed and allow it to grow back? Hm. Well, the surgery was for peace of mind to say “SEE? I TOLD YOU!!” to the medical industry. But still. Why allow the stuff to grow back?

I don’t want to be one of those women who have half a dozen or more surgeries in their lifetimes. I don’t ever want a surgery again if I can help it!

Post-op, Day 9 – continued

I’ve tackled two of my three goals for today.

I drove my car a couple of miles up and around the neighborhood streets.
When I got back into the house, I felt mildly menstrual crampy. The pain subsided within the hour, though. While I was in the car, I realised a few things: the car needs gas and oil, and the windshield wipers need to be replaced now that the rain has hit, and lastly, one of my left signal lights is out – not sure if it’s front or back. So a trip to the auto parts store is in order tomorrow.

On the desk front, I lasted about four hours before having to take a T3 for what is now mid to upper back pain from holding myself upright in a chair for so long. I could have quit earlier but I was stubborn and in the middle of a project. I’ve found yet another line in my Appalachian roots, and I’ve been busily documenting it for days, now.

By Monday, hopefully Ibuprofen will be good enough for the pain.

I still have not eaten any solid foods today (do rice crackers and corn puff cereal really count?) – mainly because I haven’t felt like eating eggs or chicken or hotdogs or chili, and that’s all I really have in the house. I’ll be hungry soon enough though.

Post-op, Day 9

Last night I was able lift and shake the blankets back down over the bed before crawling in.

In the middle of the night I realised I could roll over onto either my left or my right side without pain.

However, this morning, I had some pretty bad gas pains which felt like searing hot pain throughout my pelvic region, just as I was getting up out of bed. It didn’t help that my boyfriend made me laugh so hard I cried first thing in the morning before I could even get out of bed. He was on his way to work and was being silly with the cat. I never knew a cat’s tail and bum could be used as a grenade launcher or machine gun!

So, laughing still equals danger.

Oh – I forgot to follow up regarding the sore throat and mouth. My sore throat never fully went away – since sugery – so it’s not from being intubated. I’ve been fighting something.
Also, my gums are STILL healing where they were scraped while being intubated.
On top of that, about three days ago I developed cankre sores on the inside of my bottom lip, further proving that I’m fighting off illness. I’ve been applying Benzocaine daily, and trying to remember to take my vitamins.
Today I woke up with a caked nose and throat. I’ve spit up phlegm several times this morning and it’s dark brownish yellow.

Great.

Now, my boyfriend had re-developed a sinus infection while I was away in Tahoe. He felt much better by the time I got home, and we cleaned the house prior to surgery. However, he’s been smooching me this week and it’s likely that he was still carrying infection and passed it on to me. After all, my immune system has been compromised from going through surgery.

If I get a sinus infection AGAIN from my boyfriend, I’m going to be VERY pissed off. He should have gotten on antibiotics when this happened the first time. *I* did!

There’s two other issues, still.

  1. My jaw grinding has not subsided since the surgery. It took me over a year to cure myself of TMJ after the car accident in 1994. I know I can do this again, but it’s an unwelcome side effect I was not anticipating to have to deal with. I haven’t worn my jaw splint since about 1997, so it would have to be refitted. I’ve been a decade overdue for hiring a dentist, anyway, so I’ll bring it up when I finally do go see one in the next month.
  2. I’m having nightmares. This is normal from what I’ve been reading of women who’ve had laparoscopic surgery. Last night’s nightmare involved a reworking of my first day of ninth grade. In the dream, I’d already on my first day met the two girls who would be my best friends through all of high school. I also had met the backstabbing white trash girl a grade ahead of me and she was already being crappy to me at lunch. And then there was my friend, G. I met her years after moving to California, but there she was on my first day of ninth grade high school in my dream/nightmare. So at least it was pretty cool and grounding to have G there. I remember that in the lunch line, I had to be careful of what I was going to eat because of my gluten issues – not something I worried about in real life back then. And the lunch of the day was mussels in the shell, but when I looked at the shells, the word ‘scarabs’ came to mind, and the lunch ladies were trying to tell me that it was ‘crab’ being served.

    The shells kinda looked something like this:
    Fossil shell from Houlgate, France
    Only, the shells were oval like scarabs, and the ridges were more pointy I guess you could say. They were definitely slate coloured like the fossil pictured above.
    Crazy.

Today’s goals are to drive my car (just want to move it, it’s been sitting in one place for four days, now), try sitting at my desk for a longer period of time, and try eating solid foods again.

Wish me luck!

Post-op, Day 8

This is my first day sitting at my own desk at home, rather than laying in bed or on the couch with the laptop.

It feels so good to be on a faster computer. Wonder how long the excitement will last.

So far, today feels much better than yesterday. I made it to 10:30am without breaking!

11:08am Edit: … or not. My lower back, especially on the left side, just started cramping up while I was sitting at my desk. Now I have minor uterine pain, too. I’m back on the couch. But still, I made it TO my desk for about half an hour today!

1:57pm Edit: I tried sitting at my desk again while I ate lunch. I was able to sit for 45 minutes total before the pain became unbearable. The pain is like I’ve fallen and landed hard on my ass, shaking up everything in the pelvic/abdominal region. Ow.
Now I’m on 600mg Ibuprofen.

Special note to sis:
No, I won’t learn. I’m trying to establish my threshold and endurance for work. Only four more days before I have to return!
Don’t worry – I’ve effectively put off stair climbing and driving til Saturday.

Post-op, Day 7 – long day

I spent the day on the couch or in bed and not much else. My legs are now jittery because of inactivity for most of the day. I have been in a state of constant napping all day long, as my body is that worn out.
The throbbing ovarian pain stuck with me for most of the day, combined with bouts of anal pain – as though george was here. All that was missing was the blood to go with the ovarian and anal pain. I even had some minor uterine cramps throughout the day.

Today’s setback is the very first since surgery, and was quite demoralising. But I had all damned day to be in my head about this setback – to analyse and pick it apart.

I went online and began seeking out stories of post-op depression. It’s a real thing. I will fight it as hard as I can. I have popped some vitamins already. I also keep seeking out stories of other women with Endometriosis and my latest find is on a site curiously named endo-resolved.com, which at this time I find a little too optimistic, considering the multitudes of womens’ stories within!

The stories I read frustrate me greatly. Some mirror my own experience with family, doctors and society in the “it’s just part of being a woman, deal with it” category. Other stories make me wonder why more women don’t seek out as many resources as possible to educate themselves on all the latest research on Endometriosis and laparoscopy to know what precisely they are getting themselves into.
This is where I’m at – I’ll fall asleep at the keyboard and wake up and resume my research to find out what’s next in the healing process, and what bumps I’ll run into along the way.

I’m not looking forward to another setback.

But thanks to the stories of others, I know there will be another setback. And now I know it may likely be normal as the body heals – but I may just *think* it’s bad at the time.

Before this setback hit, I already knew a few things:

  1. The Endo WILL grow back.
  2. I can treat the Endo with more surgeries or pain meds or holistic healing methods or birth control pills or a combination of all of the above.
  3. It will be at least three menstrual cycles before I start feeling like the surgery helped me.

What I didn’t know is that I could ovulate already. I simply didn’t think about it, otherwise it would have been an obvious fact. But I overlooked it.

If I was overly emotional the week before surgery, I’m twice that now post-op, after having had my girl parts moved around, poked at, burned at and cut at.
That’s a hormone-rich environment in those parts, and the sediment has been disturbed.

I got really angry at my boyfriend today, but I stayed with it and analysed it and didn’t let myself fly off the handle with rage – something I would have done in past relationships in a younger age. I hung up on him and didn’t answer his callbacks. That on the surface seems petty but really I had nothing positive to say so I wanted to leave it unsaid. There’d be more hurt if I spoke an angry mind.

By the time he came home from work (he’d left an hour early for me), I no longer felt the need to lash out. I explained why I needed him by my side today, and he understood.

I feel like I need to start an educational site for people who think they have Endometriosis, wherein I list all the resources I have studied over the years. Will I just be another site floating aimlessly out there? Aren’t there enough websites with even better info than I might have to offer?
How can I reach all those poor girls and women who are still being told to this day that they’re overreacting or that the pain is all part of being a woman?

So there it is – I’m all emotional and on a soapbox and ranting. I turned my day of despair into a crusade for others – at least in my head – for now.

I’m already designing the website, fliers and pamphlets in my head.

Post-op, Day 7 – Complications and new developments

Well the left side pain got worse.
Worse enough to make me nauseous and whimpery.

I called my surgeon, who called back just after 11:30am. She told me I’m smack in the middle of my cycle, and I’m probably already ovulating. GAH!!!
For some reason I’d figured ovulation would be delayed this month. Stupid me.
Now I wish I would have gone ahead and gotten the tubal ligation while they were already in there.

The doc says I have ‘moderate disease’ for Endometriosis, but that she doesn’t give stage numbers to the disease anymore. She says that’s so old, but the Endometriosis Experts love to keep assigning what stage number the disease is at. It was at this point in my head that I compared my surgeon to University of California (UC) Santa Cruz – a college that didn’t assign letter grades for decades because they’re soooo liberal. ;)
‘Moderate’ is Stage III Endometriosis, btw.

Anyway, here’s where my mind was changed on the idea of putting synthetic hormones in my body. Right before speaking with my surgeon today, I read an article about ovarian suppression post-op. I discussed this with my doctor. She was relieved that I have been researching this and am open to changing my mind, because she’s really wanted me to try a low dose of birth control to try managing the disease.

She put in an order of Yasmin to my local pharmacy for me to take as soon as I begin menstruating.

Of course, I’m terrified.

The last time I took birth control was in 1991. It was the lowest dose of Loestrin. I took it for about three months and quit due to extreme mental depression and major anger issues. Then again, I was angry anyway back then. The Loestrin just took it and turned me into a psycho hosebeast. I should find my diary from that timeframe and see if I wrote much about how I was feeling on The Pill.

Dear gods, it took me nearly an hour and a half to write this entry because I keep dozing off. I am so wiped out.