Today was pre-op

Today I:

  • Found out george returned AGAIN (this time only moderate spotting, but it was enough to make me quite anxious)
  • Sugar crashed hard, despite eating eggs for breakfast and a protein bar.
  • Had a bad headache and major fatigue for the rest of the day as a result of the sugar crash.
  • Went and had a physical and consulted with my surgeon about surgery on Thursday.
  • Went over to the hospital and consulted with the anesthesiology department. Got my blood drawn.
  • Was treated to sushi dinner.
  • Will now be going to bed.

Laparoscopic surgery in T minus 3 days.

Panic attack

Woke up this morning and george still wasn’t here, so I had a panic attack.
Called in sick to work.

Called my doctor again. She called back by 10am and told me it’s no problem that george is late. I had thought I needed to be completely off my cycle by the time surgery happened. She said not so. She said unless I’m having major surgery, they can work around it. She told me not to worry about it, and the surgery date is still on.
I pushed further and asked if it’s too late to request the tubal ligation. She told me not at all – she’ll throw it in and it only takes a couple more minutes of her time, tops.

I nearly cried and thanked her profusely.

I’ve waited so many years to have this granted to me. All these years I’ve had shitty or no health insurance. With HMO insurance, doctors don’t take risks. They consider a woman wanting a laparoscopy to be too expensive or a risk. They are afraid of lawsuits so they deny women hysterectomies and tubal ligations.

But that’s all different, now. I have a PPO insurance through my boyfriend’s workplace. I’m covered as his domestic partner. And they will LET me have my surgery.

Health care in this country is like an abusive parent or spouse, I swear. I’ve been beat up all these years, and now at long last, I am under the wing of what feels like a renegade underground woman doctor (because I’m convinced that the medical industry is still run by men). So I cower and I cringe and I’m not sure if I should trust, but she’s LETTING me have surgery and so far, the Industry is going along with it.

So when george decided to be late this month, I FREAKED out. DON’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME! I’VE WORKED SO HARD FOR THIS!

And I had a meltdown.

Goddamned men.

And now, I’m having cramps and another hellish hypoglycemic attack, even though I just ate eggs with cheese and mushrooms and chives.

shivering cold


The house is around 66F (18C) but my body thinks it’s 40F (4C).

George isn’t here yet but he’s been giving me cramps since yesterday. He’s due Monday but I just know he’ll show up early to wreck the weekend for me.

To prepare for surgery, I’ve been bicycling to strengthen my abs, but I’ve not bicycled nearly enough this month. I’ve bicycled a total of six times. So sad. I meant to pedal more but I wasn’t disciplined enough and the month has just flown by. Now george will be here, and then a week later, I have surgery. Ugh. I hope my body recovers quickly.

And once again, it’s bedtime by the time I want to journal, so I can’t give a long rambling entry. Probably all the better for you, but my mind has HAD IT with noise itching to get out.


Time to start talking surgery

Surgery has been scheduled, as I mentioned back on December 2nd.

A few weeks ago, I decided it would be a wise idea to strengthen my abdomen prior to surgery. I’ve been holding steady at 153lbs (69kg), so I’m not hellbent on losing weight, but if the bicycling brings more weight loss, I’ll of course be happy.

I brought my bicycle into the house and set it up in the kitchen on the trainer. I was able to pedal for 5 minutes before my legs gave out.
A couple weeks later, I tried again (after I’d sprained my ankle and given it time to heal a bit). This time, I was able to pedal for 10 minutes before my legs couldn’t take it anymore.

Tonight, I pedaled for 15 minutes! I could have gone longer but I was being a girl about getting sweaty.

It is my goal to really ramp up the pedaling and get in 15 mins at the least *every* night.

By the time surgery happens, I hope to be fit enough to have a swift recovery. And well, I just wanna be fit.

I’ll also be figuring out how to lift my tits again. Back in 2003 when I was all genderbent and thinking I had to become a boy, I was binding my breasts. That was a bad thing to do, cuz they lost muscle and flattened. Pancaked. Flap-jacked. Sagged.
It’s not perty.

I think lifting barbells is a start, and doing butterflies with the barbells, too.

But first, getting into daily pedaling routine.

As for the surgery itself, I’m getting more nervous as the day approaches. I’ve already got the time approved off work with no questions asked. That was VERY reassuring and calmed me significantly when I got the reply mail back from my boss saying “no problem!”

I’m trying not to think too much about it – no sense in stressing myself out a month ahead of time. It’s under the surface but I do other stuff like pedal and make my usual OCD lists of Stuff To Do each day and week.

This week began today, and I’m accomplishing 1 of 4 things on my list so far – I’m burning my CD collection into my Mac Mini.

Did I tell you I got a Mac Mini?

Yeah, around Christmastime – my man got one used for cheap through work. My G3 was literally dying on me and I’d run it out of disk space. So I plopped down $250 for the Mini. I lurve it!

Right. Now it’s on to try to tackle one more item on my To Do list before bed tonight. Bed always comes so soon through the week. :(
Thirty-nine minutes is all I have left before 10pm. Gotta be up at 5:30am.

Surgery date pushed back (and gross TMI warning)

First, an update.
I woke up on December 1st at 1am in searing pain. I took a Tylenol 3 and was finally able to go back to bed by 2am.

I got up again around 6:45am and left messages for the managers at work saying I wouldn’t be in. Then I got up an hour later with my man and saw him off to work.
The rest of the day was spent in a drug stupor. As a result of said stupor, I kept forgetting my next dose at the right time, and I’d have to fight 45 minutes to an hour of pain again every 4.5 hours on average.
I think I took a total of five Tylenol 3 pills between 1am and 11pm yesterday.

A hemorrhage woke me up this morning. I’ve gone through two thick pads in an hour and a half and I’ve been birthing squid the entire time.

Add to this the fact that I sugar crashed despite eating two bowls of gluten-free peanut-butter corn puff cereal with soy milk.
I have a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and I’m trying to make chicken because I’m sick of eggs but I’m still sugar crashing and I need to take my Tylenol 3 for the pain and OH F*** IT I just stuff a protein bar into my gob and wash it down with the Tylenol 3 and half pint of water.

Now, I wait.

Meanwhile, it’s 65°F (18°C) and sunny outside.

Life is so unfair.

I wish I had a wheelchair so my man could take me out for a stroll.

Oh…I nearly forgot the surgery thing.
I called the doctor yesterday to confirm the January surgery and she said “ohhhh. It may already be too late.”
Which means she forgot to schedule it. I heard her searching through a planning book. She then said she hadn’t expected January to become so busy. She promised to get me the next available surgery date ASAP, and quickly ran through the calendar to predict my next two cycles. We agreed on the estimated dates and she dashed off to see if February 1st would work.
She called back a short time later and confirmed it.

So the new surgery date is February 1st. Pre-op is January 29th.

I am ok with her having forgotten to schedule me in early January for two reasons:

  1. It would be right after the holidays and the workplace will be busy.
  2. Last weekend I had found out that the Moon will be in Scorpio on the first scheduled date of surgery (previously set for January 11). This concerned me because Scorpio rules the sex organs. Surgery within three days of the Moon passing through Scorpio means longer operating and healing time. Complications are sure to happen. YES, I truly believe in that stuff, leave me alone.

So, I can do this. I can wait. Just two more months. And it gives me more time to save money for the time off work. I was worried about that, too.

update on stuff and things

June 13: Weighed in at 165 lbs (75kg).

June 16: My brother’s birthday, so I gave him a call. Also, found out for sure that I got the job. Shift to start June 20th, hours to be 4:00 – 11:30pm. The job is scanning books for digital preservation. I went and hung out with a friend and her friend – we went to the beach and listened to the ocean for a bit, and then went and did some window shopping. It was a nice afternoon to spend in celebration of the new job!

June 17: My boyfriend and the band he’s in had a gig. I showed the lead singer a letter I got from my cousin D, whereby D expressed how much the band’s music means to him (The letter had made me cry when I’d received it two days earlier). After the lead singer read the letter, he was so moved, that he dedicated the set that night to my cousin. It was a very powerful show!

June 19: Spent the day hauling shit from the storage unit, packing and running around, and the evening at dinner and hanging out with a couple of friends I haven’t seen in awhile.

June 20: First day on the job. Found out a few things:

  • I get paid on the 15th and 30th.
  • I only make $11/hr and can only top out at $12/hr and there’s no upward mobility.
  • If I’m late to work twice within the same pay period, I will be fired (not that I have issues with tardiness, mind you, but don’t you think that’s a bit mean?)
  • I get no health benefits.
  • I have to pay for card access to the base (the scanning facility is on an old military base which is still partially in use, although this company is in no way related to Defense).

I only worked 2.5 hours that day because it was a training day only. I asked to do more work but was told no, it’s ok, go home. Sweet! So I went and picked up my boyfriend from the bus stop after he got off work, and we went home and had a lovely salmon dinner and watched the original ‘The Haunting’.

June 21: Had that day off work to go see the gynecologist my friend had referred me to. This is the second visit this month to that office, but the first time seeing this particular doctor. She’d read my file and heard my story and did a full pap on me and declared surgery to be a go!

Did you get that?


So now all I have to do is set a date. I’m thinking my birthday … a nice present to myself for entering my mid-thirties.

I’M SO FREAKING EXCITED! I’ve been waiting 20 years for this.

After I got home, I went and hung with my buddy and we had dinner and walked around Park Street.

June 22: Weighed in at 163 lbs (74kg).
Spent the morning hauling shit to the storage unit.
My second day on the new job. All day long I was told I was doing things wrong and that I need to ask for help when I’m having issues. I kept saying, “but I thought I was doing it right…” and I was told that I thought only within what I knew, and that there’s always a better way.
Now come on, people, how the hell … I mean… what, am I supposed to have the boss sit next to me for every freaking book I scan, IN CASE I might not KNOW something about what I’m doing during every step of the way? And if that’s the case, then the boss should have taken the TIME to SIT with me instead of correcting me all day.

Then at the end of the shift, I declare I’m going home. I had only taken a half hour lunch. I skipped my two 15 minute breaks so I could cut early, like I was told by the interview lady that most people do.


The boss guy told me I couldn’t leave. I told him, “But I only took a half hour lunch..” He informed me that they pay for the half hour lunch. I realise now I needed to say “But I didn’t take my breaks”. I’ll definitely say that next time I don’t take breaks.
But then, he imposed upon me. He said, “Besides, aren’t you supposed to give (the other new guy) a ride? I thought he asked you…”
I paused. I said YES, he DID ask me, but that I was supposed to have been leaving early, so I’d declined. But now, hell, I guess I’m available to give the new guy a ride, aren’t I!

So then I’m standing there. He explains nothing further. So I ask if there’s a shutdown/closeup procedure. “Oh yeah”, he says.
We have to empty the trash, put new bags in the cans, and sweep the floor at the end of the night. We have to tally up from the spreadsheet all our books we’ve scanned. He showed me the formula to use, and it came out that I’d scanned 2038 pages in 7.5 hours. Pretty impressive, eh?


According to mister guy, I am a thousand pages short of the DAILY QUOTA.

As I was leaving with the other new hire, one of the other co-workers came running out to my car and also asked me for a ride, saying his wife couldn’t get through the locked gate.

So, now I’m expected to be taxi service on top of everything else, because I have to be nice, or else this small group of people (there’s only about eight of us on that shift) will be very uncomfortable to work with, otherwise.
I just about cried on the way home.

I recall being so excited to get this job. I feel the preservation project is so very important. However, a couple days before the start of the job, I started to get a weird gut feeling. I told some friends about it. Told them I couldn’t place my finger on it, but that I’d find out, soon.

Well, there it is. All the things I’ve laid out in bullet points, plus some.

Good thing I have another interview! Just got it set up yesterday, by another company I had sent a resume to at the same time I applied for the job I have now.

Meanwhile, my second allergist appointment is next Thursday. I got blood drawn yesterday to see if the celiac disease shows up. I’ll keep you posted on that. I’ve been keeping daily food logs for the allergist since June 8th.

And then July 1-4 I will HOPEFULLY be in Yosemite. I say “hopefully”, because in all the anxiety over job and finances and home… I FORGOT that george is due two days before we leave for Yosemite. So I will likely be out of commission for half to 3/4 of the time there.
But I’ve had mild cramps every day since the 20th, so I’m hoping george is early.
We’ll see how it all goes.

And then four days after we return from Yosemite, we move out of the shithole apartment.
A week after that will be our six year anniversary, and two days after that is the AIDS Walk that we do every year (please donate!).

So … uh…. yeeeeahhh…. Iiii’m a bit stressed.