More and more, I just can’t keep up appearances

Today I am super tired, have mega pms cravings, and low dull uterine and ovarian cramping. Doom is due by Sunday at the latest.

Yesterday I allowed myself to feel slighted by some stranger on IRC. I felt like she gave me a bunch of shit about my pain issues, and basically wrote me off because I have not yet seen a reproductive endocrinologist, nor will I try further hormonal treatment for my pain issues.

The whole conversation on IRC started with medical marijuana questions – I wanted to know if Prop 215 had worked out well for anyone locally. I did get some good advice, but this one person stuck in my craw.
She asked what my pain issues are. I told her I suffer from stage III endometriosis. What happened next is what often happens – people ask me the same tired old questions – “have you tried this for the pain?” YES. “have you tried that remedy?” YES. “have you had surgery?” YES.

Honestly, people, do you really think I would live with this illness for 23 years and NOT try all the basic shit in the books, first, then surgery, then go from there?

Then she asked if I’d seen a reproductive endocrinologist. I told her no, I’ve not been to one, yet. This is where she got all huffy with me and basically wrote me off as some ignorant wretch.
I looked back through my records – I’d tried in January and again in April 2009 (last year) to see an endocrinologist. I forget why the appointments fell through.
The person on IRC seemed like she was telling me that I obviously didn’t try hard enough and therefore I must be happy to be in pain all the time.
I told this person that I’ve seen other specialists in the past 12 months, but she stopped talking to me.

I wanted to yell at her and say IF I HAD THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL TO MY BODY, I’D HAVE READ AND IMPLEMENTED IT.

Why did I feel so slighted by someone I don’t even know?

The answer is that I’m in defensive mode with the world at large over my illness – all the time.

People range from well-meaning to outright abusive towards me with regards to my illness. The people in question range from absolute strangers online and on the street to co-workers, friends and family. All. the. time.

I can tell the same people what I’ve tried and what I’ve not tried, what I’ve been through with what treatment – several times – and still get the same questions asked again and again. This is precisely why I started blogging about my pain, the what I’ve tried, the doctors, the vitamins, the diet in general. I’m always repeating my story to people, and therefore I’m always defending my rationale for trying or not trying this or that treatment. Everybody’s got an opinion. Everybody thinks they know best. Hell, it seems like everybody thinks I must be a total fracking idiot, living with endometriosis and not doing a damned thing about it.

Even presenting all this information on my website goes unnoticed it seems. People still ask me the same tired old questions. I copy and paste a url to them. They don’t care. People just want me to shut the hell up and be healed already. They want me to quit my whining. They want me to stop bringing them down.

This same type of write-off I get from people extends to my doctors and specialists. They all get tired of me after awhile and cast me off. That’s why I’ve seen 15 doctors in 9 years and am now on my 16th and counting. My current gynecologist lost her patience with me about a year ago because I wouldn’t get another cauterisation type laparoscopy by a different surgeon – I want an excision laparoscopy and I need to be sure of the doctor before I go and get the surgery. Also, I work very hard for miniscule money – I make $11/hr the expensive Bay Area of California, and I have a very expensive diet, no thanks to all of my damned food allergies. Also, I cannot take time off work just like that. I need 11 or more days off work to recover from surgery. It took 11 days and I was still in a heap of pain upon my return last time, and that was a desk job. I have a preschool job now. Also, there’s the co-pay. It cost me $1,500 out of pocket last time, but I was making $19/hour. I have different insurance now and it’s a different surgery that would be performed compared to last time. The co-pay could be much more. It doesn’t matter though – my gynecologist thinks I can easy peasy just take the time off work and get that “minor” surgery taken care of anytime! Oh and you know, I was not told about in advance, and did not ask for those hideous stretch marks I got from being inflated with carbon dioxide for the laparoscopy.

She actually used phrasing suggesting I liked being in pain because I would not schedule a second surgery.

She actually gave me an ultimatum of January 2010 to find pain management and other specialists, because she will not be refilling my Tylenol 3 prescription anymore.

Goodbye, Dr. Lisa Bernard-Pearl. You worked so well for me in the beginning, but in the end you turned out to be just as mean as the rest of them, casting me aside, giving up on me. You gave up on me. You threw me away.

On January 6, 2010, I had an apointment to see a pain management doctor. I was on my way there when traffic got snarled. I phoned to say I would be a few minutes late, and the receptionist told me to just turn around and go home, because the doctor would not see late patients. I told her I left work on time, but there was unforseen construction holding up traffic. She asked me if I had the new patient paperwork. I asked her WHAT PAPERWORK.
Apparently paperwork is usually snail mailed to new patients, but a particular receptionist at that office emailed it to me. I told the person on the phone I never got it.
I came back home in tears and looked through my email. I found the email – it had been sent in an unprofessional manner – it looked like spam because it had no subject line, was from a stranger’s first name only, and contained an attachment. OF COURSE I never opened it. I called the office back to complain about the woman, and they did apologise. However, there was no seeing that doctor again – it was her last day in that office – she’s moving to an office 50 miles north of me. They told me another doctor in that office would call me but that never happened. In the meantime, I’ve been too angry to call that office back, and too apathetic to find another pain management specialist this month.

However, on January 21 I saw gynecologist Dr. Streitfeld, on January 23 I saw Dr. Ellis, and on January 29 I will see Dr. Fredian. Today I put in a request to see Dr. David Adamson (referred by Dr. Streitfeld), who is a reproductive endocrinologist, and I also put in a request to see Dr. Grace Eng – the same endocrinologist I tried to see last year around this time.

All of this costs money. Most of this takes time off work. Both are difficult for me, because I miss enough work as it is by being bedridden, no workplace I’ve ever been with wants me to also miss more work on top of that for doctor visits, let alone recurring surgeries.

You know, the record on repeat is enough to make me spit. Really. I was sick of it three years ago. I was tired of it five years ago.
Just go back through my entire journal. I’ve got diary entries dating to the 1980s. Have a good read. And don’t offer me any more insight, suggestions or advice about endometriosis and treatment options unless I ask for it.

Postscript ~
I felt damned near homicidal tonight. I spent all night writing this blog entry. I stepped away to do laundry and grocery shopping, and ported over some more really old diary entries. I took half a Tylenol 3 to medicate against the rage. Rage is the best way to describe how I felt all day today and still feel to a degree even now while drugged.

Visit to acupuncturist, and not going to work tomorrow

I’ve been on Iburpofen since January 5, pretty much around the clock. On Tuesday, I consumed about 1,200mg before going to bed just after 9pm.

Yesterday, I consumed 1,600mg between 8am and 10pm, averaging 400mg every 4-5 hours. The ibuprofen helped manage the pre-menstrual ovarian stabby really well, but I was super tired all day, and even napped during my lunch break.
I began spotting very lightly yesterday.

Today, over the course of the day, the spotting became light flow. The colour was medium brown and the flow sticky. I consumed 1,600mg between 8am – 4pm alone, and I am here to tell you that it did NOTHING for my friggin pain. I stopped taking the ibuprofen after 4pm, hoping to begin diving into the Tylenol 3 when I got home from work, but my acupuncturist called to remind me that we had an appointment today, which I was late for. Whoops!
Thankfully, she was still open to seeing me for a full session, and so I dragged my sorry ass out of the house again.
As has been the case for me in the past, the acupuncture helped while in session and immediately afterwards, but the pain resumed the moment after I emptied my bladder. See, the endometriosis is very near to, if not on my bladder by now, and it was the “small endometriotic implant on the bladder reflection” which my surgeon refused to excise because she was afraid of rupturing my bladder three years ago.

Anyway, the acupuncture failed to provide pain relief past the first 20 minutes of leaving the practitioner’s office, and this is the second practitioner I have been to. I will continue to see the acupuncturist for awhile, and I will continue to take the prescribed herbs. I think I only saw the last acupunturist less than 10 times.

I would also like to note for posterity that I have had some wicked PMS food cravings over the past week. I feel as though I have been eating my weight in chocolate again. I definitely went through three bags of store-bought gluten-free cookies in the past week. My dinner theme over the past two weeks has been, “if all I ever eat is gluten-free pizza and pad thai again, it will be heaven”.

Tonight I ate shrimp pasta alfredo for dinner (rice pasta), and within the hour, the pain ramped up. This could either be from the shrimp, or it could be that the pain was going to ramp up, anyway.

By 5:30pm this afternoon, the colour of menses was turning from brown to pink to reddish. Now it is a dark red. The flow is ramping up a bit, but the fluid is still a bit sticky. There is a lot of debris. I assume this is due to all the sugar and caffeine I have been ingesting since before the holidays. I know that a sugary diet is what also lends to ovarian cysts. So my goal for 2010 is going to have to be quitting my sugar addiction again.

As of 10pm, I am on Tylenol 3 for the pain, and still shifting uneasily in my chair. I am not in bed with the laptop, as it is in the shop. Sadness.

I am not going in to work tomorrow – I informed the director at the end of my shift today.

I guess the one good thing about all this is that I am not also sick any longer – I’m over the cough and sinus congestion. Well, there is still the continued 99.2°F average temperature I’m still having all day every day. I’m seeing a doctor about that tomorrow.

Now, finally, I think I have updated everything I need to, and I’m off to bed.

Pre-doom update

The pain got to a 6 on the pain scale on Sunday December 6, and I took half a Tylenol 3 while working behind the scenes at the Dickens Fair with my friend. The pain encompased my entire pelvic region into my lower back, and down the front and sides of my hips and thighs, nearly to my knees. Every time I bent forward, I got a sharp pain in my upper legs.

Also on Sunday is when the ass bleedy began. This happens every month right before george.

The pain dissipated by Monday morning, and I found out later that the pain was overshadowed by my body coming down with the flu. By 3pm I had a 100°F fever and was coughing a lot, had a horrible headache, and my left shoulder/neck/back had gone out in the same way a pinched nerve takes me out. I developed diarrhea as well. Initially, before I realised I had the flu, I thought my shoulder was going out because of how stressed I’ve been over finances lately. The shoulder/neck pain started upon waking, and grew worse over the course of the day. By 3pm when the fever set in, I had to rethink the stress theory and go with the flu as reason for shoulder/neck pain. My lymph nodes in my neck are HUGELY swollen, and I’m sure that’s impinging on my buldging disks in C4-6, setting off the pinched nerve.

This morning, the flu continued ravaging my body, and the pre-george pelvic pain also returned. I’ve been wrestling with it all together, all day. As of Sunday I’ve been dipping into my supply of Tylenol 3, which is supposed to only be for the endometriosis, but holy cow, the neck/shoulder/back pain is freaking unbearable.

I went to the doctor this afternoon – she showed no sympathy – said my fever is due to not hydrating enough. Won’t give me Soma (a muscle relaxer) for bum shoulder/neck, says it’s part of having the flu. Bitch.

I did not work on Monday because it was in the 40s fahrenheit outside, so I was dismissed for the day by just after 9am. Good thing since I hopefully didn’t infect anyone. Today I did not go to work, and because I still have a fever (currently 101°F), I will not be going to work tomorrow, either.

I hate to have my period when I also have the flu, but honestly if my body makes my period late in order to deal with the flu, I could end up missing next week at work, too. I am NOT happy about this. I NEED the money BADLY. :(

I am confident that I got the flu from working at Dickens Fair. The first weekend of Fair (Thanksgiving weekend), several of my cohorts fell ill for days. This past weekend, more of us fell ill. This happens every time we all work faire, anywhere we work faire, whether it’s outdoors or indoors, whether Renaissance Faire or Dickens Fair. This means I am rethinking attending or working faire ever again. Filthy humans.

Back to the pelvic pain update – since I’ve been consuming a lot of coffee, I noticed that the cramps I’ve been having come in short, sharp piercing bursts, rather than the usual dull achey drone. So for me personally, caffeine should remain a no-no.

Next update probably when menses actually arrives.

What happened in the last 11 days…

Back on September 16th, a day before my birthday, I wrote a wishful thinking post. I had resolved “to live the next 11 days as well as I can, and enjoy life the best that I can, until the darkness falls once more”.

The very next day, on my birthday, while at work, I was suddenly seized with severe bladder pain, which lasted a few minutes. This happened around 11:45am, during the lunch rush, where I’m supposed to be monitoring children aged 3-5 eating their lunches, keeping them in their seats, resolving fights, reminding them to wipe the table and sweep up after themselves, and help them open up their food packs. During the lunch rush is when I am needed by no less than three children at a time, for over an hour, for one thing or another. All told there are around 50 children at lunchtime, and there’s about five or six adults. It’s about 1 adult per 8-10 kids. For some reason, once you mix the age groups, the 1:4 or 1:6 ratio for the 3-year-olds no longer applies. So it’s constantly overwhelming at lunctime, and here I was getting unexplained knifing pain in my bladder. It wasn’t uterine. It wasn’t ovarian. It wasn’t cervical. I don’t normally get bladder pain.

Now, about a week prior, I’d had a yeast infection, which I promptly took care of with Diflucan. I got it because I didn’t shower before intercourse. Women with endometriosis are prone to yeast infections at the drop of a pin, and you and your partner both need to be clean before intercourse to spare you the chance of infection. I lagged in my duties.
Anyway, I wondered if Diflucan can cause a bladder infection, but in checking the side effects lists, I don’t see evidence of that. Perhaps the yeast infection had turned into a bladder infection? I’m still wondering about that.

So the bladder pain I had on September 16 only lasted a few minutes, then was gone. A few minutes of course feels like an eternity while it’s happening, but it did pass.

I did pretty good for the next two days – Friday and Saturday – though I did have some pelvic pain twinges on Saturday September 19. So perhaps I was good for only ONE day if you wanna get technical.

On Sunday, September 20, I woke with severe low back and pelvic pain.

As I was getting dressed, my back went out – my upper left scapula was pinched the most, and it was hard to breathe. I could feel the pain under the back of my ribs. I had no range of motion. I spent most of that day with intermittent back, pelvic and shoulder pain. I took half pills of Tylenol 3 and whole pills of Ibuprofen all day long. The pain would seriously disappear for minutes or an hour and then return again. It was crazy.

On Monday I had continued flank pain, and a cankre sore popped out around 11:30am. I went to the doctor right after work and was told I had swollen lymph nodes, that I was fighting something, but that I wasn’t contagious. The low back pain continued through the evening, and I went to bed with a heating pad that night.

Tuesday was more of the dame – low back pain, but get this – I awoke with shin splints. WTF!!!
I also had developed a sore throat, sores forming under the back of my tongue, moderate fatigue, and sore shoulders again. That day I also had some pelvic pain, and my left thumb broke open again. I had a nagging headache by 8pm that night. I napped when I got home, and my body temp dropped during the nap – I got goosebumps, I was so cold, and the house was 73°F.

I seriously started feeling like I was going crazy. But now, after reading the side effects for Diflucan, it all makes sense. I just wish I’d been more intuitive the last times I’d taken Diflucan, to establish whether this is always true – whether I always have these side effects – or if it’s something new because my body continues to grow weaker because of this stupid immune system disease called endometriosis.

Wednesday – sigh a breath of relief – I felt better.

But we’re not done, yet!

On Thursday, September 24th, I felt quick knifing very low uterine/bladder pain 2-3 hours after consuming 1.5 cups of Sierra Mist pop, which I was craving. I never crave pop anymore, so this must be a serious bout of PMS coming on. Of course, pop contains corn syrup, which ALWAYS causes pelvic pain whenever I consume it.

I didn’t bike to work at all that entire week.

On Friday, September 25th, I experienced intermittent dull uterine pain all day. However, after work, I decided to bike to my therapy appointment and from there bike over to the company BBQ. I was tired but I did it, in a show of stubbornness.

That night, around 10 or 11pm, I became very dizzy as I was leaving my friend’s house. The pelvic pain had ramped up while I was hanging out with my friends, and so I’d taken 600mg Ibuprofen. I don’t think the dizziness was from that, since I take Ibuprofen so frequently.

On Saturday – yesterday – our town was experiencing another heat wave. Despite being 87°F outside, my husband and I shopped at some local Halloween stores. Yesterday I consumed a white chocolate raspberry blended mocha (with cow’s milk) because I was really fatigued and craving the caffeine (HELLO PMS!).
Last night my husband and I were intimate and right afterwards, I felt nauseated, and then the cramps started. I checked myself and there was brown blood. I thought for sure I’d started my period. I went to bed wearing a pad but the bleeding stopped, never touching the pad.

Today I’ve been seriously tired. I slept for about 10 hours and haven’t wanted to get up all day. The low level nausea has been with me all day. I’ve had the feeling that my period is starting but every time I check, it’s not there. I’ve had annoying low back and pelvic pain all day.

It’s nearing 5pm and I’ve been on the couch the entire day. I had planned to attend a birthday party for a friend, a parking lot sale, and then see another friend play with his band tonight.

I’ve missed everything so far but the band, and I’m not sure I’m up for that, either.

So let’s recap – where did those 11 days go that I was so excited to live for?

Of those 11 days, I got to enjoy 2 days pain-free.

2 days.

Out of the past 27 days, I have enjoyed roughly 8 days pain-free.

sept2009

I have not gone back to yoga class, and I’ve been in too much pain to do the yoga video that I own.

I have continually doing slow stretches and fighting through the pain. I often do the wide hip circles when not out in public (cuz doing those makes one look like a pole dancer, heh) in an attempt to ease the low back and pelvic pain.

To anyone who doesn’t suffer from chronic pain, I hope this gives you an educated visual, and I hope you understand it a bit better when I tell you just how tired and depressed I am.
Just because I have high hopes, doesn’t mean my body wishes to cooperate.

Oh and to those of you who still think wishful thinking and being positive will end my pain, you can go to hell.

Two weeks of symptoms and counting…

I am so tired and weak. I went to bed after 2am and got up at 8:30am. That’s not bad – I usually sleep about 6.5 – 7 hours per night through the week anyway. I’ve been feeling very sore all day – my hips, thighs, knees and ankles hurt. But I did not walk intensely or exercise a lot yesterday. Maybe I’m so sore *because* I’ve not been running around all day since Friday at work?

More likely it is george. He always makes me feel like I’ve been run over by a mack truck. Then again, I’ve not been eating so well, lately. That will do it, too. I’m still waiting for george to show up. My personal computer calendar says he’s due today. The laptop calendar says he was due yesterday. Who knows anymore. My cycle has been off since February.

I have done nothing physically active all day today. Sunday is usually my day to get all the housework and laundry done before the work week begins again. Today there was so much going on and I totally cleared my schedule.

  • There was afternoon tea in the backyard, courtesy the neighbor upstairs.
  • There was a sheet rock party at a friend’s house – a work party to help him get his new house in order so he and his wife and infant can move in.
  • Another neighbor in the back of the house needed help getting her digital converter box all set up because as of last Thursday, broadcast television as we’ve always known it in the U.S. ceased to be. I called the FCC and we got a guy to come out and wire everything up for my neighbor, because I didn’t know how. I have not had regular TV or cable TV for probably six years now, by choice. We just have DVD and VHS hookup when we want it. We did not purchase the digital converter for our home.
  • A neighbor two doors down wanted me to babysit her toddler.
  • A neighbor almost three blocks down wanted me to babysit her toddler.

I cleared all of it off the schedule because of george. I even asked my husband to go to the grocery for me because I couldn’t even manage that.

Regarding my diet, I’ve not eaten well for over a month. I spent 18 days in the UK and my fingers were cracked open and bleeding from all the gluten and yeast that kept creeping into my diet. Some of it was accidental, some of it was on purpose. I drank whisky because it’s friggin Scotland for chrissakes. You cannot deny me that experience! I had bandaids on no less than four fingers and my fingers were constantly in pain. I put lotion on several times a day to no avail because well, it’s a dermatitis allergic reaction after all.
I also found out that “glucose syrup” is corn syrup and wheat, because the UK has to explain what it is on all their labeling. I had been eating fudge because the UK apparently is known for its fudge. And it seems all the damned fudge has the glucose syrup in it. I didn’t check the label until I was back home in the states. Stupid me!

I know this month’s cycle is going to be crazy, if not downright brutal, because of the way I’ve eaten and all the alcohol I’ve consumed socially over the past month.

So yeah, I’m starting to record what I eat again, and I’m going to have to do more diet elimination again soon to find out why I’m still getting allergic reactions now that I’m back home eating my ‘usual’ diet again.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that despite all the allergy tests I’ve had, despite all the research related to diet and endometriosis, despite my own findings for my body with regards to food sensitivities – none of it has been proven as a direct link to endometriosis pain. I get so sick of the anxiety I suffer over eating something and then wondering if I’ll have immediate pain while menstruating or if my next cycle will be affected by something I ate days or weeks ago that somehow may still be wreaking havoc on my system. None of it has been scientifically proven for my body. It’s all speculation. I need some solid scientific findings for MY body.

And y’know, with how off kilter my diet was, I actually LOST weight on our honeymoon, because of all the hiking we did. And since I’ve been back to work, I bicycle to and from work every day. While at work, I run around with children all day, literally. And I kneel and bend and stand. I’m constantly going. With all that exercise, plus all the constant walking and hiking and climbing we did in the UK for 18 days, you’d think building up muscles and toning myself would have a beneficial effect on my system.
But no.

Hell, I’d be happy to just know whether or not the endo is growing back again, and where, WITHOUT having to have surgery again. Because if someone can say yes, it’s grown back, then I don’t have to feel like I’m going insane or imagining things.

In the meantime, I can’t focus. I started this journal entry around 3pm and it’s taken all day just to get this far.

I rarely take Tylenol 3 to quiet an anxiety brain but tonight I did. I’ve taken Tylenol 3 about three times in the past week before bed because of severe joint and low back pain as related to endometriosis symptoms. Tonight it’s just doing double duty.

Pre-george update

George is due tomorrow. I’m currently babysitting. When I get home, I’m gonna need to run around the house prepping as though I’m going on vacation. I’ll need to get all my comfy clothes out, make sure all my supplements, medication, and food is all in order, and clean so that the house is nice during my downtime.


4pm Edit: I’m super tired. I need to get the house prepped for my downtime, though. I don’t have enough energy to do laundry. Doesn’t matter – I expect to be in pajamas for the next few days, anyway.

Hmmm. This whole prepping for downtime would be a great video blogging topic. Off I go!


6:48pm Edit George just arrived. Dammit. *sigh*

NO Pad Thai with shrimp!!!

My husband and I were talking about what to eat for dinner, and I said I was craving Pad Thai. Then I thought for a second… didn’t I get major cramps last time I ate Pad Thai with shrimp?

Why yes. Yes I did.
Noted on January 20, 2009 and also noted on September 16, 2007.

I’m super glad that I now have everything documented on one searchable server.

I’ll be avoiding Pad Thai altogether tonight just to be safe, cuz george is due by Monday, and I’ve already had moderate pelvic pain extending down my legs to my knees all day today as it is. Although, I ate forbidden foods this morning, too — scrambled eggs and bacon.

The PMS cravings lead me to hurt myself. Why does the body do that to itself!?

Doing okay

Today at work I only got mild pelvic pain and intermittent sharp pains on the right lower quadrant. I’ve also been getting pain every so often which shoots from my pelvic region to my arse again. My energy level however has been good today. I got home from work and did two loads of laundry and made dinner for four – for the purpose of leftovers. I’m using the thai stir fry recipe from the Endometriosis Diet ebook I bought.

Tomorrow night, I’ll make cornish hen. Hopefully I’ll have enough food to last through the weekend and into next week.

With the pains I listed above, those aren’t actually the ones that are really bothering me today. My upper back and knees are killing me. To top it off, I torqued my knee pretty good when I got home from work – just by turning to the side to get out of my chair after checking mail real quick. The upper back – I dunno – from lifting the baby or sitting hunched over on the couch typing on a laptop while the baby naps, probably.

It’s nearly time for bed – gotta fetch the laundry from the dryer, shower and get ready for tomorrow. Only four more days left with this family before I’m on to a new gig – I’ve been sending out resumes and advertising myself like a madwoman. I even called the agency and had them reactivate me. I really hope a new nanny job comes along in the next two to three weeks. Babysitting for a couple hours here and there is not going to tide me over.

Very whiney

For the past three days, my internal emotions have felt like a little kid who can’t tell the adults what is wrong, so she resorts to stamping her feet and fits of crying and sticking out her bottom lip and frowning a lot.

I’ve been having dull continuous aching pain in my upper legs for the past few days.

*** TMI FOLLOWS *** (there’s always a lot of graphic detail in this journal for those of you who are new to it)

Late Tuesday night, I began spotting. It was so faint, a normal person would have missed it, but I have the eagle eye and OCD checking behaviour and was able to notice. So I declared george would be here the next day and I was right.

Today I began to feel nauseated and then my body became extremely weak. This is usually a Bad Sign™, so I took 800mg in anticipation of pain and bleeding ramping up. I left work early and had to struggle to keep my eyes open and my hands on the steering wheel.

I’ve been spotting dark brown blood with debris since Wednesday morning. It wasn’t until after 4pm today that the blood began to get a little brighter and redder. But there’s still a lot of brown debris and I’m still only spotting, albeit enough to have to wear a pad since this morning.

Today the anal pain returned. Was it the cow’s milk cheese I caved in to last night? Was it the corn chips? Was it the fact that I’ve gone through four yes count ’em four bags of gluten-free cookies in the past week due to PMS XXTREME cravings for sugar this month? Gawd I feel so guilty for having pigged out like that. I haven’t done that in a long time.

Gah. My ass hurts. I just want to do the young child cry – the one that tells you baby is overdue for nap or feeding. I just want to sit here all day and night and do that cry. My emotions have been doing this internally for the past two days and I’m getting really tired of it, so I’m now feeling the need to unleash it – share my pain as it were – on anyone crossing my path.

My poor husband will be home from work tomorrow because he’s getting ready to take off for the weekend to a game convention. He may have to bear some of my misery. I know he goes to this convention every year and it really is the best thing for him to be out of the house this weekend while I’m miserable but dammit at the same time I want him near to take care of me and bring me food and water or juice at regular intervals and pat me on the head.

Meh.

I’m so tired. But like a baby who is so very tired, I just want to continue whining and not sleep.

Unlike a baby however, I took a Tylenol 3 to knock me the hell out. I don’t usually take that unless I’m at an 8 on the pain scale but dang it, I need to be put out of this emotional misery for awhile.

And have I mentioned my ass hurts? It’s on fire. OW.
Warm compresses are not helping. Cold cloths make it hurt worse, as do the astringent pads. WAAAAHHHH MAKE IT STOP!!!

Blah.

This week is full on PMS week.

I hate the cold. This morning in Northern California, it was so cold that I had to go into the storage unit and dig out my ice scraper to scrape my car windows before I could drive to work. I also hate California winters because it always means ant invasions. We’ve had ants coming in from the interior walls for the past two days. Yesterday, it was the bathroom. This morning they found the kitchen and living room. On both occasions they were scouting – hadn’t found any food yet. However, since they tunneled into the kitchen, they were about to discover the cat food. I couldn’t let it go until I got home from work. So there I was at 6am cleaning floorboards and spraying toxic Raid ant killer. I really need to get the nontoxic stuff – I’ll have a look over at the hippy store on the way home from work tonight.

Yesterday I was zipping along home from work when for no detectable reason, traffic came to a halt at my usual exit. It took me 35 minutes just to go 1 mile before hitting the underground tunnel to my island town. Traffic was at a dead stop through much of the tunnel as well. Once I got through the tunnel, traffic resumed just fine. WHAT THE HELL.
The traffic delay was enough to throw off my entire night. I wanted to go straight home but I had to get some groceries for the week, and I knew my husband wasn’t going to want to go out and do my chores for me again, so I continued on like a brave soldier.
I about exploded in rage at the self-checkout at the grocery, when I couldn’t make all my groceries fit into the single recyclable bag I brought in. My face flushed red with the rage, but I stuck with my duty, because I need to eat through the week. I huffed out of the store. I still had one more store to go to but I said screw it and just went home, instead.

You know PMS is in full swing when you get home and sit down with a bag of cookies for dinner. *sigh*

Right now I’m at work and the baby is sleeping. It’s 68F in the house but to me, it feels like 40F. I’m freezing my ass off. I have my hoodie on and a blanket over me and I’m still getting goosebumps from how cold I am.

Today the pain is localised to the lower left front of my pelvic region – it’s a dull pain and not bad enough to warrant pain meds. I have a continual throbbing pain deep in both of my legs extending down to my knees. And my lower back is also hurting. I’ve been trying to do stretches for the past two days but it’s hard to want to stretch when I’m freezing cold and just want to fold in on myself.

I want the anger and rage PMS crap to stop now, plz. Just get it over with – just kill me with the pain already and let’s be done with this month.

Baby’s up, gotta go.