I Will Not Suffer In Silence

Last night, I developed uterine cramps after eating pasta alfredo with Langostina tails for dinner.
I also had a cup of caffeinated tea with dinner. The pain started on the way to a concert, and got worse throughout the night. Standing or sitting did not matter, the nerve pain stung and radiated from the uterus, settling in the lower back, causing debilitating pain by the time I left the Peter Murphy concert. I descended the stairs of the concert venue slowly, wincing with each step, clutching the railing.

By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs and was out on the street after the concert, I was nauseated from the pain. On the way home, every time the gravity changed in the car (turns, changing lanes, curving highway), the inflamed nerves screamed, and I cried out in pain.

However, once I got home, I refused to take meds, because I wondered if it was my kidneys acting up. Other organs are easily afflicted by endometriosis, and if the kidneys were suffering, then adding pain meds might make things even harder on me to process. Instead, I used an exterior pain relief gel, and did some Chi Nei Tsang around my pelvic cradle to see where the pain was coming from, and how it was radiating out.

Though the stinging, burning nerve pain felt like it was in the sides of my pelvic bones, in my lower spine and radiating down my legs, the Chi Nei Tsang helped me realise that the originating source of the pain was actually in the uterus. It was so inflamed that the nerves broadcasted a pain party to the entire pelvic cradle. It grabbed hold of the trunk of nerves in the pelvic cradle and shot down the sides of my legs, almost to my knees.

The pain relief gel comes from NationalAllergy.com, and it is called Super Blue. I rubbed that on my lower back, and then situated a heating pad over my pelvis.
Further, I moved my body slowly to figure out the best position for rest. It was one of those times where I wished I had my old futon mattress again, because our bed was far too soft given the level of pain I was in.

Last weekend, I had developed pelvic pain on three occasions right after drinking coffee, so I have since gone back to drinking caffeinated tea, and only in moderation; one cup at a time, and not every day. I had not recently developed pelvic pain with the tea, so I’m suspecting the langostino shellfish as the culprit to my pain. Shellfish is said to contain lots of dioxins, which feeds endometriosis growth and flaring, though there has not been any in-depth studies that I know of to show you to prove this. It’s just one of those things that I know to be a solid suspect, based upon my pain history when consuming shellfish, especially at or near my cycle.

This morning, I am running late for work, and the stinging pain resumed once I crawled out of bed. I will be taking 800mg of Advil gelcaps to get through the day. I am two to three days away from the onset of my next cycle; george will be here by Wednesday or Thursday, in time to ruin weekend plans. However, I have a consultation with a tattoo artist about a design I want on my upper back, so I plan to be there, drugged to the gills or not.

The drugs and the pain did take me down pretty hard Saturday morning. I went back to sleep on the couch, and didn’t get up til around 1:30pm. I went to the bedroom to change out of my pajamas, and ended up going back to bed!! I didn’t get up again until my landlady called me at 2:23pm.

I put on some street clothes and had to deal with the landlady – her husband finally replaced the hard-wired smoke detector/carbon monoxide detector, and they inspected the source of the banging pipes we’ve been complaining about. The sprinkler system hasn’t been going on in the morning, but the pipe system outside clicks, and the pipes in the walls bang from the vibration/pressure. They never did tell me if they FIXED the pipe issue. I’ll find out tomorrow morning if the pipes begin banging again.

After the landlords stopped by, I felt sufficiently awake to tackle some homework. I spent the rest of the day doing homework, until 11pm. I FINALLY finished binder #3 out of 5 for the Language Arts class I took in July. The remaining two binders are about 50 pages each, and hopefully I don’t have much to illustrate, as a lot of them are just word lists. Then it’s on to the Mathematics binder, which is only half finished. I still have 70-something illustrations to do for that binder, plus photographs and quotations.
There’s more – LOTS more – but I’ll just focus that far ahead for now so I don’t have a panic attack.

Getting back to how my body did for the rest of the day – the bleeding and the pain both subsided. I had stabbing right side ovarian pain intermittently throughout the day, and my lower back hurt pretty bad at times, but for the most part, I was feeling much better Saturday afternoon than I had felt in the morning.

Around 7pm, however, the pain started ramping up again, and the bleeding resumed, although it was not heavy. As a precaution, I took another 600mg Advil and a Tylenol 3, so, total medication for Saturday was 1,200mg Advil, and two Tylenol 3.

Once I finished with my homework, I pushed myself to work a little bit more by scrubbing down the shower and tub with Borax after my shower, so that I could soak in the tub. My reward was a nice long soak in hot epsom salt and lavender bubble water. Ahhhhhhhh.

My low and mid back is still too tight for comfort, but the rest of me is relaxed jello goodness. Wish my husband was home to give me a massage – he’s still out with friends, and it’s after 1am. *grumble* I texted him and he didn’t answer. NOT COOL. So I called him. *relief* he’s driving a friend home and will be on his way home soon.

Two last things before I go:

The nausea is still an issue – intermittently throughout the day Saturday, and it kicked up again after my soak in the tub tonight.

Last night before I went to bed for the night, I tried to remember some Chi Nei Tsang stuff I was taught a couple years ago. Basically, I just pushed and held gently along the connective tissue near my belly button. I was hoping this would help with the pain and maybe slow the bleeding, but it was a total fail. On the other hand, I had a very nice bowel movement when I woke Saturday morning – the Chi Nei Tsang if nothing else always gets the bowels moving smoothly…

I knew you wanted to get that bit of TMI as the end of my journal entry. It’s only appropriate to happen at the end!

Okay, okay, I’m going, now. Good night.

Today I started one day early. I woke with mild, annoying pelvic cramps, but they faded by late morning.

I was fine til just after 1pm when I was startled to find bright red blood during a trip to the bathroom. Soon after that, mild cramping began again. I took 600mg Ibuprofen to stop the cramps from getting worse, and it worked! Wheee!

Today I was able to accomplish the following:

• 4 loads of blankets – washed and dried
• Dishwasher was run
• Wooden bed desk was washed again (cat peed on it awhile back and I’ve been washing the sucker repeatedly with Nature’s Miracle, Seventh Generation Wipes, Anti-Icky-Poo®, and more wipes – I think I am finally satisfied that it is no longer contaminated. Talk about OCD and germ/filth phobia!)
• More Montessori homework accomplished
• Bathtub scrubbed with Borax and hot water
• Cat puke scrubbed from runner by front door
• Cat litter exchanged (I accidentally bought the scented version and suffered the chemically sensitive consequences)
• Back of photo album soaked in Anti-Icky-Poo® – this didn’t work out so well – the back of the album held up perfectly, but the stench and filmy residue are still there. There are two or three photo albums that the cat peed on in recent months. They’ll just have to be replaced.
• Blankets folded and put away
• Bed stripped and new sheets/blankets/pillow cases applied

That is a whole HELL of A LOT of stuff to be physically fit and able to do on my first day of my period, let me tell you!

Sometimes it just goes like that. I’ve not been doing anything differently – I still ate a lot of chocolate right before my period. I still ate lots of cow and goat cheese. I still drank lots of caffeinated coffee and tea with lots of sugar.

I did see my acupuncturist on June 24th, and on June 26th, I got a massage from my friend who is now a licensed masseuse. Even so, given my decades-long history with this illness, I don’t think acupuncture and massage are what allowed my cramps to be minimal today. Sorry gals. I truly think my illness behaves as it wants to behave, when it wants to.

On June 20, I noticed that I’d become lax in taking my calcium/magnesium pills, as well as my evening primrose oil pills. I noted the constant back and joint pain I was in, and said I’d resume my supplements. Within 48 hours of writing that, I went out and bought a new bottle of calcium/magnesium, and began taking it twice a day with a Vitamin D3 pill for better absorption, and I resumed my evening primrose oil pills along with the Vitamin C and zinc and other supplements I take.
The back and joint pain eased up immediately and profoundly!

As I got closer to menstruation, my mid back began tightening up, as it always does. This puts strain on the lower back, and then it becomes hard to stand up straight, or even sit up straight, for that matter. My massage was great on Saturday and helped loosen the back, but I messed it all up later that night by wearing a corset too tight, and my back went into spasm.
For the last three days since then, my back has alternated between being fine and wanting to lock up from the mid point down, because it’s going into protective mode like it always does every month before I menstruate.

So today the back pain was moderate. I took 600mg of Ibuprofen tonight when I got out of the shower. As I lay there on the newly made bed to cool down after my hot shower, my mid back began to spasm again. It was more of a twitch but a thickening of the muscles, definitely. Not the charlie horse type back pain I was in on Saturday by a long shot, but I could tell my back is definitely out of sorts.
(fun fact about me: hot showers, hot baths, hot tubs, hot pools – it has to be hot – it’s the best thing next to sex).

Oh – today is the first day I was able to get through the day without the following:

• Coffee
• Caffeinated tea
• Raw sugar to sweeten anything
• Cow or goat cheese

It’s not to say I didn’t suffer – it was a difficult day! I did eat two protein bars which contain chocolate liquor (but no sugar!), but I did not directly eat chocolate candies today. The two bars I can stomach the best are Brownie Crunch and White Chocolate Chip, though they do leave a bad aftertaste – probably because of the Malitol. I eat these things not to lose weight but because they’re the only gluten free protein bars that do anything to keep my energy up and stave off hunger for a bit when I’m at work and my only moment to catch a break is during the kids’ lunch hour. I used to eat Belgian Chocolate Organic Food Bars like nobody’s business, but the stores near me stopped selling the chocolate ones. Nowadays I eat almost as many BumbleBars as I do ThinkThin bars, but the BumbleBars don’t keep my energy up or my appetite at bay long enough.

Before I forget, I have been having a lot of strange dreams, lately. I don’t know if it’s the full moon (it was full on Saturday, June 26) or what, but the dreams are crazy.
…or not… I just looked up my dream about having lice the size of crickets in my hair, and this was the translation I got:

To see lice in your dream, signifies frustrations, distress and feelings of guilt. You may also be feeling emotionally or physically unclean. Alternatively, the lice my represent a person, situation, or relationship that you want to distance yourself from. You may be feeling used or taken advantage of.” DreamMoods.com

Fascinating! I was feeling used and taken advantage of!

Alas, I couldn’t get any insight into my dream about my dad’s right leg having to be amputated – the dream site only discusses the meaning behind the dreamer having her own limbs amputated.

*shiver* at least the lice thing is sussed out. When I woke this morning, I decided I would not continue to be angry with the Chi Nei Tsang lady, and I would not continue to feel taken advantage of by her. I put it right by taking matters into my own hands and ordering the supplements I need. I will do my own cleanses from now on if I deem those detox supplements to be of benefit again. This will only be my second time doing the cleanse, so we’ll see how it goes.

Alrighty, I’ve taken a total of 1,200mg Ibuprofen today and the pelvic cramps were quite minimal (I’d say a 2-3 on the pain scale. Right now is the first time all day that the nerves have begun to start their little dance down my inner thighs, so I’m just gonna high-tail it into bed and hope I wake to another minimal pain day tomorrow.

I really really wanna do a Steph’s Mythical Underworld photo shoot to illustrate from my mind’s eye my descent into hell each month. Even though I’m in minimal pain, I’m still at the gates to the Underworld. It’s not pessimism by any means. I know what I mean and that’s all that matters. ;)

Ooo – another thing before I forget. A few things…

Tonight I tried pesto instead of cream sauce and the result is that I have indigestion and I’m burping a lot. What’s in the pesto? It’s Trader Joe’s brand and it contains basil, sunflower oil, potatoes, olive oil, grana padano cheese (pasteurized cow’s milk, salt, rennet (animal), egg proteins), pecorino romano cheese (pasteurized sheep’s milk, salt, rennet (animal)), cashews, salt, pine nuts, lactic acid, garlic.

Well dammit, it could be the potatoes or the egg proteins or the cow’s milk or the sheep’s milk. Since I have a renewed war against me courtesy nightshades, which I thought I outgrew in childhood, I’m going to blame the potatoes and the egg proteins for the indigestion and burping. How ’bout that. Glad I only got the 6oz jar.

Another item to mention – I’m trying to consciously correct my gait, my posturing while standing and sitting, and how I move my body when bending forward for anything. I’m trying to stabilise my core region in the hopes of easing up some of the pelvic pain I suffer. I really should be back in the gym – I haven’t gone in well over a month now.

I thought there was one more thing but it’s gone. Good night!

I know people need to make a living. I know there’s a food chain, even and especially where it comes to health care and caregiving.

Knowing this about people doesn’t mean I like or condone their actions.

Ever since being officially diagnosed with endometriosis, I have been seeking out alternative health remedies for my illness, because the surgery did not provide pain relief.

The biggest pet peeve I have regards what I call information hoarders.

Here we are, women suffering horribly with an incurable, debilitating disease that we were born with, and all we want is to find out what we can do to ease our symptoms.

Someone comes along and says, “I have found the secret to what works best and my pain is GONE! Click here to BUY my online book for just $23.95!” No snippet of remedies or anything, just trust this individual and buy the book.

Others come along and hawk their Nattokinase and Lycopene supplements, insisting that for only 49.95 you can CURE endometriosis!
Well get this, buddy, FIRST OF ALL, there is no cure for endometriosis. SECOND OF ALL, I am allergic to tomatoes and nightshades! Take your Lycopene and shove it!!

And yet others will come to you as well meaning, caring, alternative health practitioners. They promise to ease your pain, but really they are promising to rob you blind!
Take for example the “Clear Passage” people – they are using half-assed Chi Nei Tsang and charging people $5,000 to travel to them for a week of treatments! The cost of travel is NOT included in their fee!
I got their brochure awhile back because they’d refused to list any prices on their website. Once I saw the pricing in the brochure, I saw red.

And now, the whole point of today’s rant – it had to have a prehistory to lead up to this, but this week’s “winner” for bringing out the rant is the Qigong/Chi Nei Tsang practitioner who got back to me the other day and sounded urgent for me to come back in for treatments again.

What I didn’t tell you was that she wanted to charge me three times what she was charging me previously. She says she’s changed her sales up and now the detox treatment has to come bundled with two Chi Nei Tsang touch treatments, for a total of $325.

I talked with my husband about it. We looked at my bank account and looked at our joint account (which is supposed to be for my schooling). We couldn’t find the extra money for the treatment. My husband said he didn’t feel comfortable ponying that amount of money to this lady, when he doesn’t believe her previous treatments have helped me. I argued the point, saying I hadn’t seen her often enough to know for sure, and with that, should I also stop seeing the acupuncturist, because I sure as shit haven’t experienced pain relief from that, yet. Or should I increase the visits to these people and see how it goes for a few months?
My husband remains doubtful that I will gain pain relief from these treatments. I called the Chi Nei Tsang lady back and left a message letting her know I could not do the package deal, sorry.
I told my husband however that I refuse to stop seeing the acupuncturist, and that she and I have an open dialogue and are trying to figure out the best continued treatment for me, AND she is keeping her pricing affordable to my situation.

The Chi Nei Tsang lady called me back and offered her condolences, and said that if I still wanted to come see her in the future, she could give a discount. She didn’t offer anything for the here and now. She didn’t offer to cut out the Chi Nei Tsang sessions and only give me the supplements for the detox diet. I began to suspect her so-called caring and sincerity.

So I decided to find a way around the Chi Nei Tsang lady’s road block. She’s previously given me the ingredients list of the detox diet, now all I have to do is hunt the ingredients down, right?
I found a few old bottles of supplemental pills that still have not reached their expiration date. Looks like I could buy some vegetarian pill capsules and fill them with clove for example, like what I’m seeing in the bottles.

I examined the bottles closely.

Well look at that! I thought I’d examined the bottles before and hadn’t seen a web address, but this time around, I found a web address! I think I’ll check it out!

And lo and behold, the entire detox ingredients list is to be found, supplemental pills and bulk tea treatments and all – FOR HALF THE PRICE I WAS BEING CHARGED – on a website called Self Health Resource Center (http://www.shrc.net/).

Again, ladies and gentlemen, my pet peeve. Here I am, trying to get honest advice and treatment for my debilitating, chronic pain, and instead of being told to check out a website called Self Health Resource Center, where I can buy some supplements, I am instead given the idea that she works with some supplier somewhere only for practitioners such as herself, and that I can’t get this on my own, and more to the point, she blatantly marks up her prices to make a profit off of MY suffering!!!

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THAT!

Now, here’s a thing…
That website is also known as “The Original Dr. Hulda Clark Products Manufacturer.”

Who the hell is Dr. Hulda Clark?

Apparently she was a quack and a charlatan!

You can read about her here, here, and here.

GAAAAHHHH!!!!

Why is my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner, who supposedly is schooled through the Chi Nei Tsang Institute (http://www.chineitsang.com/cnti/Welcome.html), buying products from another school of medicine, so to speak?

I looked up the person who founded and runs the Chi Nei Tsang Institute – his name is Gilles Marin. I have always taken issue with this Gilles guy, because in the detox diet instructions, there is a recipe for 7 Vegetable Soup, where it says, “This is an old family recipe that has been passed down to Gilles’ grandmother from her grandmother who was the witch-doctor of her native village from Southern Provence in France.”

Riiiiggghhhht. I wanna see a genealogical workup on this guy.

Instead, I will look him up on the Internet.
Gilles Marin has written a book called Healing From Within With Chi Nei Tsang.
This book cites “The Cure for All Diseases” by guess who?

Hulda Clark.

wonderful.

I was also curious as to whether Gilles Marin shares my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner’s idea that I have manifested my own illness – that it’s all my fault that I have endometriosis and other autoimmune disease. I wanted to know if she learned this from him or if she thinks this independently of him.

According to an article on Open Exchange, Gilles Marin is quoted as saying, “The spirit revolts in an attempt to bring us to our senses, in a fit of rage or act of rebellion, sometimes without a cause or apparent rational meaning. This rebellion can manifest in our behavior but also as physical symptoms and illnesses. From this perspective most chronic illnesses are an attempt from the spiritual body to make us pay attention, heal, and change. These illnesses are healthy reactions to unhealthy situations. Without such reactions from our spirit, we fall off the way (Tao) that serves our life purpose. Enthusiasm disappears. When we live a dispassionate life, there is only senseless depression with its inner message saying that since we are not enjoying life, we don’t deserve to live!”

So let me get this straight. I began having chronic urinary tract infections from early childhood. I started my period late, at the age of 14, and from the very first year, I was in debilitating pain, often vomiting from the pain. But it is I who brought this upon myself? I caused endometriosis?

Gilles Marin also talks on the Daily Om about negative emotions creating disease. Again my argument stands – my illnesses came to me in utero, assholes.

So now here I sit, knowingly just having spent money last night on the Dr. Hulda Clark website to obtain the same supplements for far cheaper than my Chi Nei Tsang practitioner was charging me for them, and I have to wonder:

When I went on the detox diet in November, 2008 – did my 4cm ovarian cyst shrink back to 1.6cm within a month because I was taking those supplements, or because my body just naturally began reabsorbing the cyst?

I can’t really do a control test – I can go through another month of the supplement detox diet, and then ask for another ultrasound in August to see if my ovarian endometrioma has gotten any bigger, but the thing is, an endometrioma on the ovary is NOT a regular ovarian cyst. It’s a mass that doesn’t reabsorb.
But it can’t hurt to see if the growth is staved, right? My GYN and my primary care doctor both say there’s nothing I can do about the endometrioma but watch it to see if it gets any bigger.
It grew .5cm in a 36 day period. Gods knows how much bigger it’s grown since the MRI on May 27th.
Once it gets to 5cm, I need to go get a cancer test. Which will of course come out flagged, because I have endometriosis, which always sets off a flag on the CA 125 test.

My choices are:

1. Sit back and wait (i.e. do nothing)
2. Modify my diet again NOW
3. Start the detox supplement diet in addition to modifying my diet.

I am going to choose #2 and #3.

And I’m also going to practice calming the hell down and forgiving all these damned charlatans out there for using me and abusing me.

First the catchup stuff:

June 20 was the worst pain day for shoulder, back and neck strain, then it became at least bearable for the rest of the week in through today.

June 22 – I was at Costco around 8pm when suddenly I was doubled over with right side stabbing ovarian pain. The intermittent stabbing lasted for over an hour and made me double over several times. It took the breath away from me. I did not medicate though. Also, I had low back pain all day – I felt very stiff.

I’d like to mention that I’ve also been having diarrhea after meals, lately. Even and especially with safe foods. It could be stress from everything. I dunno. I just need to note it, because normally I’m a very constipated person. I wish I could remember when it started, but it’s been going on for at least two weeks – usually one or two episodes a day.

Within the past five days, I have resumed taking two to four calcium/magnesium pills per day. This of course is not helping with the diarrhea.

June 23 – Yesterday – I was still experiencing left and right side ovarian stabby pain. It was still intermittent. My lower back was hurting a lot. It was hard to straighten after sitting or bending. Still having diarrhea. Also, I had my followup appointment with my new GYN (Giudice), and we went over the MRI results.

The appointment was about a half hour and was rushed because my GYN needed to be on a plane to some conference. I was originally scheduled to come in at 11am, then the day before, it was moved to 10am, then to 9am.

She quickly went over the MRI results with me and hit the big point – adenomyosis. She told me that based on the image, there is not any thickening of the inner uterine walls, so that rules out adenomyosis. YAY!

She told me I still have the chocolate cyst on my ovary, and said it is indeed an endometrioma, but she totally acted nonchalant about it, and said we’d continue to just watch it. She said she has no intention of going in and doing surgery just to remove that chocolate cyst, and she doesn’t see why I need another endometriosis surgery, either. She urged me to keep trying physical therapy and alternative health remedies and pain management instead of going the other three routes: hormone therapy, seizure medication, surgery. She referred me to the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine, across the street from her UCSF campus. I went and checked it out – they have a bunch of services I can get where I live and not stress the hell out by being stuck in traffic across the Bay Bridge, and then navigating the crazed lunatic streets of San Francisco. Thanks, I’ll pass on your lovely center.

I got home yesterday afternoon and before scanning my MRI results into the computer, I read over the report.

This is where the emotional wall collapsed.

The GYN didn’t think it necessary to mention that the chocolate cyst on my ovary GREW by .5cm within 36 days. I wasn’t sure how fast or slow endometriomas can grow, so I looked it up and it seems that endometriomas can grow very fast within a short period of time. In that regard, I think .5cm might be considered slow growth.

Fast or slow – it doesn’t matter – the sucker is growing.

I’m not used to dealing with an endometrioma. I have experience with ovarian cysts. This is new territory for me. It’s scary.

The GYN also didn’t find it necessary to tell me that while I don’t have adenomyosis, I DO have several small cysts in the liver, one small cyst in the right kidney, and several cysts covering my cervix.

WELL. I had a brush with high liver enzymes in 2008, and all the Tylenol 3 I consume takes a toll on my liver and kidneys, doesn’t it? I have been experiencing nausea and left flank pain well above the ovary ongoing throughout this month. I have been having diarrhea. I have had ongoing elevated temperature, reaching as high as 99.9°F.
All this time I attributed it to the ovarian cyst, but could it be from the liver cysts?

On top of all that, I have a recent history of cervicitis, and well, my cervix is everted, so why not add some cysts?

I looked it up and found that cysts in the liver and kidneys are not caused by Tylenol or medication, but in fact are often congenital and coincide with autoimmune disease.

Guess who has autoimmune disease?

I called the GYN office back and asked for clarification of the MRI report. Then I called up the Qigong practitioner I thought I wasn’t going to see anymore, and left a message for her. Then I called my local doctor’s office and got an appointment for today.

The GYN office called back after hours, bless their hearts, and the GYN’s assistant told me that the cysts are all nothing to worry about. She told me to follow up with my primary care doctor if I wanted to, though.

Today I did just that, and the primary doctor (Fredian) called up UCSF and spoke with a hepatologist in radiology, who looked at my MRI report, and told my doctor that the cysts in the liver and kidney are nothing to worry about, that they’re so small they won’t cause trouble or show up on a regular ultrasound.

However, Dr. Fredian wanted me to stop referring to the thing on my ovary as an ovarian cyst. She told me it’s much more than that – it has some solidity to it. Despite the common name ‘chocolate cyst’, this is actually a growing MASS on my ovary, and it should be closely watched. She told me the difference between this mass and a ‘regular’ ovarian cyst is that this cannot reabsorb.

This of course did not help my emotional state to make the conscious switch from the idea of a benign cyst to a nefarious growth.

The doctor concluded our appointment, congratulated me on not having adenomyosis, and sent me on my way.

My Qigong practitioner called me back today, and I went over the MRI report with her. She got quiet and pondered her words. She sounded cautious. She said I need to do a cleanse ASAP. She encouraged me to keep seeing the acupuncturist, but to try to go every week. She sounded urgent in addressing my health. This added to my anxiety. I got all apologetic and confessional by saying I hadn’t been eating right for a long time. Her voice still soft, she told me something like, “it’s much more than diet, you can’t feel bad about that.” Again my anxiety. Ugh.

But I came home and resumed my homework – I took another teacher training class last week and I’m still trying to finish the binder from that class this week. Yet another class begins this coming Monday.

Later this evening, I had my first acupuncture visit since about May 6th, and I showed my acupuncturist the MRI report, too. I told her of my fears of the liver and kidney cysts, despite what my GYN and primary care doctor are saying. I have all these symptoms – what if it’s connected?
My acupuncturist says it all IS connected, and that she will continue working on me to keep the blood moving (or as I choose to describe it, to keep flushing the lymphatic system). She’d like to see me every 2 weeks if I can swing it, but says every week is not necessary.
She also seemed to get very quiet after reading my MRI report, and also seemed very careful in choosing her words. I’m just a ball of anxiety over this.
The acupuncturist left the room and I closed my eyes to rest while the needles did their thing. The first visual image I got upon closing my eyes was a rectangular hole in the ground, decorated on the outside edges with a beautiful rectangular autumn leaf arrangement. My eyes welled with tears and I threw open my eyes and stared at the ceiling to try to get ahold of myself.

Funerals! Are you serious? Get a grip, woman!!!

The tears were perhaps a release of pent up emotions, and the acupuncture opening channels.
I’d spent the day matter of fact, blunt, even aggressive at times in demeanor. By early afternoon, I likened myself to Starbuck from the 2004 remake of Battlestar Galactica.

But by the time I was in acupuncture session, I was ready to sob.

I got home and tried to resume my homework, but the tears came. I sat there working at the desk as the tears just streamed down my face. I couldn’t stop them, and I refused to allow myself the time to just cry like a baby, because my husband was home, and I hate crying in front of anyone, even him.

I made myself a horrible vodka drink and sipped at it. It was so bitter, it helped stop the crying, heh.

I told you I wouldn’t be handling things well if the MRI report contained anything other than my usual endo issues.

On Monday September 28, I woke with very very slight spotting, but feeling like a mack truck had run over me. I attempted to call in sick an hour before the start of my shift, but couldn’t reach anyone. After talking with the director, I agreed to come in for a half day, which for me is 3 hours.
I got to work and immediately popped 400mg of Advil liqui-gels. The low back pain and occasional stabbing uterine pain had me walking like a little old lady all morning. As I was cleaning up my classroom at 11am, I slowly picked up a full bucket of water and cried out in pain from the stress it put on my pelvic muscles. My eyes welled with tears and I set the bucket down, whimpering.
I let the bucket sit and told my co-teacher I could not lift it. I went about closing up other parts of the classroom, which entails putting plastic sheeting over the shelves to keep dust and dirt off of the classroom materials, since we’re an outdoor classroom. As I neared one of the shelves with a plastic sheet, I tripped over it. The act of me trying to catch myself mid-stumble set off my pelvic pain anew. I about started crying, and declared out loud that I was definitely done for the day, and that my previous guilt and doubts could now shut the hell up.
I went home and spent the rest of the day on the couch medicated on Tylenol 3 and Ibuprofen. I went to bed that night freezing cold, so I put the heating pad on and rotated it from my feet to my thighs to my pelvis and back to feet again until I warmed up. I think the house was 68°F to 70°F but of course my hormones thwack my core temp regulation.

On Tuesday, September 29, I woke feeling fine. I got ready for work, ate my breakfast, and marveled that I was not in pain, though I was still spotting. I was pleased that I didn’t have to call in sick.
However, just as I was about to go out the door, I was seized with full body hot flash, hypoglycemic attack, and nausea. The spotting increased and was dark brown in colour, whereas on Monday it had been brownish/pink.

I tried to call substitute teachers to fill in for me but since it was half an hour before the start of my shift, I could not reach anyone in that short of time. I left messages and went to work, anyway, taking a wait-and-see attitude, thinking maybe the pain would not get too bad. I popped 400mg of Advil liqui-gels as soon as I got to work. The director was shocked to see me after I’d gone home in such pain the day before. She talked to me about her daughter, who also suffers from bad menstrual cramps. She told me how her daughter says she gets a numb like feeling in her upper thighs/tops of legs, and that’s how she knows the pain will be bad. I explained to my director that there’s a whole mess of nerves in the pelvic region, and that when pain flares up, these nerves become irritated – these are the same nerves that also travel down the legs, and so the pain travels, too:

She said her daughter often vomits from the pain, and that it lasts only the first day of her cycle, and then she’s alright. My director further added that she too used to vomit from the pain and only had it really bad on the first day.

The pain for me abated, and I was able to get through an entire morning just fine! However, when the last students left my room at 11am, I realised I was very hungry. I began snacking before the lunch rush – three classes of children come outside to have lunch around 11:30am, and I turn into part of the lunch crew. So I snacked a bit and then the nausea started. Oh no, I thought, the pain can’t be far behind. A hot flash followed the nausea, and the spotting increased with some pain, but I stuck it out, and the pain again subsided. I made it through an entire day of work. I came home and still had good energy, which lasted into the evening. I picked my husband up from the BART station and we went to dinner, even. I felt energetic and cheerful and enjoyed every minute. The pain didn’t return again until around 9:30pm, at which point I put myself to bed.

I got up this morning and wanted to cry. The pelvic pain has so far been dull, achey and minimal, but my emotions are seriously fubar, so if anything, today was needed off work as a mental health day, anyway.

For the past several days, I’ve been doing the large hip circles I mentioned last month, because it helps me stave off the pain.

I got back in touch with my Qigong practitioner to see if she’s teaching Qigong class again – she’s not. Says no one is showing enough interest to justify it. But what about one-on-one sessions? Meh.
She wants to perform Chi Nei Tsang on me again, though. I will do that and another Liver/Gallbladder cleanse, which is a dietary program which lasts for a month.

I’ve also gotten back in touch with my masseuse, and requested regular sessions with her, citing that the muscle memory in regards to the chronic pain is getting beyond my control to manage, and I need her help. She’s more than happy to see me. She wrestled with endo for years before finally giving in and getting a hysterectomy. She found that the pain didn’t stop, and realised her muscles still held the memory of the pain. She had to train her muscles to let go of that. It took years, but she succeeded.

So that’s where it’s at.

I still can’t figure out why this blog has the time set an hour earlier – it doesn’t account for daylight saving time I guess.

Anyway, I went to bed around 9:30pm last night, right after finishing my last entry. It’s so weird to say this but… last night was the longest night I’ve had in awhile. I had very strange dreams involving scoring magic mushrooms on a pizza from both my ex boyfriend and my Qigong practitioner. Whaaaat?

My husband came in to kiss me goodnight probably sometime after 11pm, and then I woke with a start from the mushroom dream sometime after 3am, thinking I’d slept in and would be late for work. Imagine my confusion when I sat up in bed and saw that it was still pitch dark in the house! I thought, “Okay I’m ready for it to be morning now…”

When my alarm finally did go off, my body decided it was still too tired to want to get up.

Stupid body!

Ever since I got out of bed this morning, I’ve had the same painful eyes that I did when I went to bed last night, with a pounding headache thrown in. My right leg has started hurting me again in the spot where I crushed it in a slipping accident on a boat one or two summers ago.
And of course I still have full body muscle fatigue and I just want to go back to bed, and I’m still checking myself every 20 minutes or so (since yesterday afternoon) to see if george is here yet, because it keeps feeling like he is.

For the past three days, I’ve been doing a little bit of Qigong when I remember, and I am also doing the figure eight hip movement whenever I remember, to keep everything loose. The one thing with endometriosis is that the entire pelvic region wants to freeze up while the top part of the body wants to fold over the lower half in protective stance. I’ll get up out of my computer chair when at home, or get up off the floor when at work with the kids, and suddenly my back won’t straighten and I’m hobbling around like a little old lady for a few minutes, hunched and broken, trying to straighten myself out.
So swaying back and forth, to and fro, and doing the belly dance figure eight hip thang helps a little with that, painful as it is to do that.

Last night I took 600mg Ibuprofen before bed but when I woke this morning I was in pain all over again.

I’m wolfing down some food so I can take more Ibuprofen before work this morning. I’m gonna be late… gotta go. Don’t wanna go in. Gotta go.

Before bed, prepare Liver tea, which consists of:
6 parts Comfrey root
6 parts Tanner’s oak bark
3 parts Gravel root (Queen of the meadow)
3 parts Mullein
3 parts Marshmallow root
3 parts Walnut bark
2 parts Milk Thistle herb
2 parts Licorice root
2 parts Wild Yam root
1 part Lobelia plant
1 part Skullcap flower
as prepared bulk by my Qigong practitioner. Use the entire package provided in 2 quarts cold water, placed in a glass or ceramic pot. Bring to the boiling point and then simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave the mixture overnight.

Before bed, prepare Kidney tea, which consists of:
1 part Hydrangea roots
1 part Gravel roots (Queen of the meadow)
1 part Marshmallow roots
as prepared bulk by my Qigong practitioner. Use only 1 tbsp of this mixture in a cup of cold water, placed in a glass or ceramic pot. Bring to the boiling point and then simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave the mixture overnight.

BEFORE BREAKFAST: (or really any time during the day), heat, do not boil, 2 cups of the Liver Tea and 1 cup of the Kidney Tea and drink each (I find that during initial heating, 1/2 cup water is evaporated, so I just add back a 1/2 cup water at time of straining and reheating).

DURING BREAKFAST: take 1 Ginger capsule and 1 Uva Ursi capsule.

DURING LUNCH: take 1 Ginger capsule

BEFORE DINNER: drink 1 cup of parsley tea, which consists of:
1 cup water with enough fresh parsley to saturate water (about 1/4 bunch). The water should just cover the parsley. Bring just to boiling point, then simmer covered for 3 minutes. Strain the water and discard the parsley. Drink the tea.

DURING DINNER: take 1 Ginger capsule and 2 Uva Ursi capsules.

One day per week — Parasite Maintenance Program:
3 Clove capsules before 1 meal
7 Wormwood capsules before dinner
3 tsp. Black Walnut tincture in 1 cup of water before bed.

So this is what I’ll do from November 17 – December 6.

I lost 2lbs (about 1kg) this week and actually felt the loss, so that made me happy.

I’m getting used to the taste of the Black Walnut tincture, but I can’t stand the parsely tea. I should have done the 7 vegetable soup, instead. Probably this week if I remember…

I’ve become more regular on the detox program (I’m usually quite constipated because I don’t eat enough fruits and greens, and I’m always on painkillers).

By the end of the week, I’d adjusted to having to take 12 capsules of herbal supplements at dinnertime (doesn’t leave much room for actual food, hence the weight loss I’m sure).

I did miss a couple of doses throughout the week, but for the most part stuck to it pretty well. My practitioner told me not to fret over missing doses because everyone does it. ;)

I only did Chi Nei Tsang on myself twice this week. I’m supposed to do it twice per day. But I’m just busy or too full or in pain, or I outright forget. Must do better this week.

Yesterday I went to see my Qigong practitioner, who is also a certified Chi Nei Tsang practitioner. I met her last year through local Business of Metaphysics classes I was attending each month when I was trying to get my astrology business going.

Since I am long fed up with the medical establishment pushing hormonal and opioid drugs on me to treat the Endometriosis, I listened intently to what this woman had to say when she introduced herself to the class, and afterwards, I sought her out and exchanged contact info.

Over the past year, I’ve attended a few public Qigong sessions, and a couple private Chi Nei Tsang treatments with this practitioner. I feel comfortable around her.

I will also be checking out homeopathy for the first time this week – my GYN gave me the number of her homeopathy person on Friday. My Qigong practitioner is excited for me that I’m pursuing this in addition to her work.

And in addition to that, I continue to listen to the paradoxical relaxation tapes my friend loaned me. Even though it’s geared towards men with Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome, I find that the tapes have helped me a lot.

And in addition to that, I continue to read and re-read and study the techniques in the Tibetan Relaxation book I bought earlier this year. You probably didn’t know this about me but since about 1994 or 1995, I’ve taken quite a liking to Tibetan Buddhism. During college, I was studying world religions with the willful desire to replace the fundamentalist Christian teachings I was raised with, and I became enamoured with Tibetan Buddhism (as well as Wicca, but that interest only lasted for four years).

SO.

THE DETOX.

Getting to the point sometimes takes me awhile. ;)

Starting today and lasting for one week, I have the following routine:

Before bed, prepare Kidney tea, which consists of:
1 part Hydrangea roots
1 part Gravel roots (Queen of the meadow)
1 part Marshmallow roots
as prepared bulk by my Qigong practitioner. Use only 1 tbsp of this mixture in a cup of cold water, placed in a glass or ceramic pot. Bring to the boiling point and then simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and leave the mixture overnight.

Upon waking (or really any time during the day), heat, do not boil, 1 cup of the Kidney Tea and drink it (I find that during initial heating, 1/2 cup water is evaporated, so I just add back a 1/2 cup water at time of straining and reheating).

BEFORE BREAKFAST: take 2 Clove supplement capsules
DURING BREAKFAST: take 1 Ginger capsule and 1 Uva Ursi capsule.

BEFORE LUNCH: take 2 Clove capsules
DURING LUNCH: take 1 Ginger capsule

BEFORE DINNER: take 2 Clove capsules and 7 wormwood capsules, and drink 1 cup of parsley tea, which consists of:
1 cup water with enough fresh parsley to saturate water (about 1/4 bunch). The water should just cover the parsley. Bring just to boiling point, then simmer covered for 3 minutes. Strain the water and discard the parsley. Drink the tea.
DURING DINNER: take 1 Ginger capsule and 2 Uva Ursi capsules.

BEFORE BED: take 3 tsp Black Walnut tincture in 1 cup of water.

After this week, I have a new routine to follow in the cleanse. I’ll post about that when the time comes. The cleanse lasts for four weeks, culminating in a traditional gall stone cleanse during the first weekend of December. Back in 1993, I was in the hospital for four days with pancreatitis. During that time, I also passed a gallstone. I had another gallstone flareup again in September, 2007 and did an emergency flush and was able to stave off a full blown attack. So since that time, I’ve been searching for a regular maintenance program and alternative health practitioners, and voila, here’s where we’re at today.

Some history for you on seeking practitioners – this Qigong practitioner is not the first one I saw and latched onto. There was another woman before this one whom I sought out, who was a Qigong practitioner that I met in these classes, but she was openly hostile towards anything I told her about the illness that I have. She kept correcting me whenever I said ‘my illness’, for example. She dismissed me right away and told me she could not help me because I refused to see that I had manifested the idea that I am sick (a.k.a. “Law of Attraction” cult), and she said that in reality I am not sick at all. I proceded to start calling this woman but she never called me back. I became really angry at this person and at any person who would tell me that even before I was born, when the genes were being passed to me via my mother, that I was somehow responsible for the Endometriosis that would rear its ugly head once I began to menstruate at the age of 14.
But I continued reading up on Qigong and really liked what it was about, so I became determined to find another practitioner, telling myself that the first woman I met was flawed. I’m glad I kept searching. I’m happy with the practitioner I see now.