Couple of bright spots today – my dad’s earlier quotes and the fact that the bridal shop just called to let me know part of my dress is in – a month early! This is excellent news, cuz I meet with my corset maker on June 16th.

Saturday report

Saturday morning I awoke from nightmares of gushing everywhere and as expected, upon awakening, I really was starting to gush. Thankfully I awoke before bleeding through to the bed.

I was bleeding heavy throughout the morning, and at one point turned pale after breakfast of yogurt and fruit. I staggered to the bedroom and curled up on the bed. I wasn’t in much pain – it was just that I was bleeding a lot.

I had run out of Ibuprofen 600 on Friday, and so I took 3 regular Ibuprofen pills in case the pain came back.

We had a cake tasting and engagement photo shoot scheduled yesterday. I cancelled the photo shoot. I took a nap until around 1pm and then decided I’d try to make it to the cake tasting. After all, I’d get out of the house for a bit and I’d only be sitting in a bakery shop – I wouldn’t be doing anything strenuous. So I hopped in the shower and got ready to go.

We made it to the cake tasting in time, and I was not in pain. I had even stopped gushing. I was just very tired. But I was so glad to be out of the house!

Unfortunately during the cake tasting, I ingested a little cake (my man tastes the whole piece of cake, while I poke at the cake and just taste the icing, or I DO taste the cake but spit it back out in a napkin). As a result of accidental ingestion, I felt a bit sugar-crashy and my ears got plugged up. That’s what happens when I have gluten. Thankfully it didn’t last long and thankfully I didn’t ingest enough cake for the yeast ingredients to have an effect on my body. Otherwise I’d have been in the bathroom all afternoon.

After cake tasting, we decided that since we were so close to wine country, that we’d hit up a few of our favourite wineries and price out cases of Cabernets, Merlots, Chardonnays and table wines. I was slow in my walking but I soaked up the outdoors and the sunlight. I was happy to be out with my man, even though I was admittedly grumpy after the cake tasting (the woman there was attrocious – she wouldn’t shut the hell up about HER wedding, about how her husband is a FRENCH pastry chef and only uses REAL ingredients. And she wouldn’t leave the table so we could taste alone in peace. So we simply ignored her as much as we could and talked amongst ourselves while tasting. I asked for buttercream and piping. She said no. I asked for a gluten free side cake. She said they don’t know how to do gluten free. We pointed out certain designs we liked. She wasn’t sure they could do it. We WON’T be going with that place. And then there’s the fact that I had a bit of an allergic reaction, so I was grumpy afterwards.

Anyway, so we went to our wineries and did some tasting. It had been a few hours since I’d had any meds, and my last meds were over the counter Ibuprofen, so I tasted some wine. I didn’t do my usual tasting, where I finish the glass. Instead, I took only small sips, up to three sips, and dumped the rest in the whatever it’s called.

When we got home, we went to Boston Market to get an easy dinner. On the way, however, we passed an accident scene. Apparently there’d been a fun birthday party for a little girl dressed in what looked like a wedding dress; sparkly white poufy dress. There was a bouncy castle and a side street was blocked off for the festivities. She and other children and adults were standing on a corner looking aross the street as we approached the intersection. We got to the intersection and turned left to go to Boston Market, and we saw the problem. One of the children from the neighborhood was lying in the street with his head propped against the curb. His eyes were closed and his brow furrowed. There was a cut on the right side of his forehead. There were police in the street but they’d not blocked off the street. I don’t know why we were able to drive right past the scene like that. Some people were holding each other and crying. It was so sad.
I lost my appetite but we continued on to Boston Market, just a block away, anyway, and got our food and left. When we left, a fire truck and ambulance were there, assessing the boy. I hope he’ll be okay. I couldn’t find any news on it last night. I still can’t find any news on it today. :(

After dinner last night, my man and I started designing our wedding cake, so the next baker we go to, we can have designs ready to go instead of hemming and hawing and trying to verbally describe what we want. Should’ve done that from the beginning but oh well.

I’m off to do housework. I feel better today. Barely any bleeding and no pain.

Panic attack welling up

Last week sometime, my man and I visited several hotels for pricing of rooms for guests.

Friday I:

  • Visited a friend I’ve not seen in a long time!
  • Bought candles and holders for table centerpieces
  • Bought ribbon to add to hair falls (still need to learn how to make ’em)

Saturday my man and I:

  • Met with a caterer and went over menu options (tasting to be scheduled)
  • Met with a baker and tasted cake
  • Visited two wineries for tasting/pricing of cases
  • Visited hotels for pricing of rooms
  • Had two members of our wedding party over for game night

Last night, I had two glasses of white wine and a half a glass of port. Of course this means I got drunk. I didn’t get falling down slobbering drunk, but still. I woke up dehydrated and sugar crashing this morning. :(

Note to self: YOU GOTTA STOP THIS.

This morning my man and I:

  • Went over all the hotels we’ve looked at to rank them best to worst
  • Picked out the hotels that still need pricing on and put it on my to-do list for Monday
  • Went over menu options from the caterer we met with on Saturday so we can schedule a tasting

I just sat down to organise some of the hotels we do have pricing on our wedding website, and BAM, I started having a panic attack.

First reaction? Reach for the bottle.


I know this will make it worse.

Instead, I popped a vitamin C, a vitamin B-100, and a milk thistle supplement, and started chugging water.
I then opened up my sing-a-long playlist on iTunes and began singing songs.
The reason for the sing-a-long is that it forces air in and out of the lungs so I’m not holding my breath and continuing to panic.

But I was so far into the panic mode that now as I sing, I’m so emotionally charged, I am choking back tears. I think the best thing for me is to just allow the meltdown.

I’ll post an update if this happens.

Note to self: you’re also PMSing, as george is due in T-minus 3 days. Along those lines – I started getting slight pelvic pain yesterday.

George is on the way

The following post contains pre-menstrual TMI.

So. Gross and general TMI stuff…

Today is Day 4 of Bleedy Ass. I’ve also been feeling very tired all day for the past few days, and I’ve had fluctuating moderate mid-back pain, also for the past few days. Last night it was a bit painful to be intimate with my man.
Today I started feeling achey in my inner thighs – the type of achey pain that feels like it’s in the fat cells or upper levels of muscle tissue. This is the type of pain associated only with menses because it always radiates down my legs, sometimes to my knees.

I’m six days out from menstruating, but with all these symptoms, I am worried that I’ll be early. I say worried because I don’t want anymore fluctuation in my cycle until after October. Anytime I’m late or early, I potentially affect our wedding date. I do NOT want to be bedridden for our wedding!!!

Ugh. *deep breath*

Not Worrying. That’s me. Yep. Not Worrying.

It’s all good, now.

Yesterday I took it easy around the house. I walked to the doctor first thing in the morning to get the liver enzyme bloodwork done. It was a nice walk to and from the doctor (about a mile total distance).

I made an appointment to be fingerprinted for the daycare agency I’ve been speaking with since last month (my employment and references checked out, yay!).

I spent the rest of the day organising info received from caterers. I now have a spreadsheet that details total FAILURE on the part of any caterer to work with a $2k – $4k budget. We’ll keep trying.

I hung out with my friends and their infant last night – I’ll be babysitting him this Friday and most of next week. I carried the baby in his carseat for his mother, but that proved to be a Bad Idea™ for me, because the pain and bleeding came back again. It was jarring and then subsided. Then jarred, then subsided.

By the time I got back home, the pain was gone and the bleeding was going away again.

So I decided that I’d rest again today, so as not to upset my body anymore this week.

I got up at 8am and showered and decided I’d take a bus to Oakland rather than freaking myself out with anxiety over trying to park in downtown. Taking a bus or any public transit ALSO usually gives me anxiety, but I had studied the maps and was confident in the short bus ride. Besides, it’s at the same corner my man catches his bus. Somehow I was comforted in this, don’t ask me why, it’s just an emotional weirdness. ;)

So I got to the bus stop shortly after my man had caught his bus there, and the bus arrived in minutes. I got on, paid my money, and suddenly got anxious and asked if I got a ticket or receipt. The bus driver ignored me, so I told myself it’s okay, and I walked to a spot on the bus where I could hang onto the ceiling railing, as the bus was full. I’m very very VERY proud of myself for getting on a crowded bus alone! I’m so afraid of people that in the past, I’d have an instant panic attack.

The bus got me to where it said it would, and I got off the bus and followed the directions on the street-level map I’d printed. I got to the Federal Building and went in, and set off the alarm at security, heh. I was worried it was my nipple rings, but it wasn’t – it was the eyelets in my converse shoes. The lady waved me on, no problem. Got up to the 11th floor, got electronically fingerprinted (pretty cool!), paid what money was due, and that was that! All done!

I got back on the bus at the right stop and got off again at the right stop, no problem.

Because of all I went through with pain and emotional abuse at the hospital, and all the pain in general, and for doing so well in public today, I decided to treat myself. I don’t treat myself NEARLY as often as I should. I deserve nice treats!
So after driving back to Oakland (West Oakland – I decided not to take the bus to that part of town) to pick up another batch of business cards and flyers, I went shopping.



Although you might laugh at my idea of shopping… Keep in mind that I am a stereotypical Virgo!

I got stuff to make me more beautiful for the wedding:

  • Crest tooth whitening strips (I want to have a glam smile for the wedding!)
  • Olay Complete all day moisture lotion with SPF 15 (for my face of course)
  • Make-up wedges for applying foundation or even applying the Olay
  • Plum red nail polish, lip liner and lip stick (okay I dunno if I’ll wear that colour on our wedding day or not, but I like it now and want to start wearing nail polish again! I haven’t been in the habit of wearing nail polish since my gender dysphoria hit in 2002!!!)
  • SPF 45 (to keep my lovely pale look, don’t want any sunburn or tan lines for the wedding!)

I would love to get some new clothes and shoes, too, but that’s quite a bit more money than I currently have.

This evening, I’m going to see my friends and their baby again, to prep for what all needs to happen tomorrow when I sit for them.

And then I hope to have a nice, relaxing evening with my man!

george report

George arrived one day early, on Friday. I had almost skipped out of going to the gym, because I felt so crappy in the morning, like george would be here any second. But I went to the gym, and had a good workout in the pool.

Later that afternoon is when george arrived. I had very little pain that day, despite onset of bleeding, and marveled happily at the lack of pain.

On Saturday (yesterday), I was still feeling ok (only minor pain), so we drove to Soquel (near Santa Cruz) to shop for rings (I still don’t have mine, yet). I popped an Ibuprofen 600 to ensure the mild pain wouldn’t worsen. We ran into a big traffic jam on the way there, and nearly turned back but then it cleared after half an hour, so we pressed on.

It was in the 80’s yesterday, and we hated having to get out of the car and walk around in the heat.
We had no luck in finding my ring. In fact, the very place we went down there for didn’t have any rings at all – a miscommunication that my man received from a dealer at the antique fair we attended last Sunday. Grrrrr.
So we just went to several antique stores in the area and perused rings. I had no luck finding one that really spoke to me. And then after the third or fourth store, I started to feel REALLY tired, and then the pain and bleeding ramped up.

I did my breathing exercises, and that helped. But it was just so uncomfortably hot. I wanted to go home. I braved it through a couple more stores, and was told to try another antique dealer in town. We got there and the store was closed that day. On a Saturday!!! WTF!

Frustrated, I declared myself DONE with the day.

So we started back home, and before long got stuck in another traffic jam. This one was THEE MOTHER of traffic jams yesterday, because someone DIED and they shut the freeway down. We were at complete stop or rolling 5MPH for nearly two hours, inching towards the scene of the accident. They opened the road but only enough to squeak by on the shoulder, and we got to see the tarp covering the body still in the road. Talk about sobering experience.

The news story on that accident is here, with some of the story as to what happened to cause the accident here.

When we got home, I made myself some dinner and took another Ibuprofen 600. I could have taken an Ibuprofen before we got home, but I was being stubborn, because we had no food with us, and I hate taking the Ibu on a less-than-full stomach. We hadn’t anticipated being stuck in traffic, and I hadn’t realised I’d forgotten to pack a protein bar. I’d been really good at having a protein bar on me at all times, and was confused as to why one wasn’t in my bag. Bleh. As dinner was cooking, I did some Qigong and continued the breathing exercises.

Anyway, after dinner I popped the Ibu and went to bed before 11pm if I recall correctly. I was just wiped out from enduring moderate pain and bleeding for most of teh afternoon into the evening. I didn’t do any Qigong, yoga or accupressure exercises before bed.

Heavy bleeding and pain woke me up at 7:30am this morning. I ate some cereal and spent an hour doing Qigong, yoga and accupressure while waiting for the Ibuprofen to kick in. I then went back to bed around 8:30am and didn’t get up til about 11am.

The pain returned again, with bleeding and pain both entering SEVERE mode, by 1:30pm. I went through the routine again; Qigong, yoga and accupressure while waiting for the Ibuprofen to kick in. This time, no dice. After an hour, I gave up, conceded defeat, and took my first Dilaudid pill since george began two days ago.

I only took 1mg, and that staved off the pain for a few hours. I’ve now spent the past hour repeating the process again… Qigong, yoga and accupressure… and always with the breathing… to no avail. I’m going to take another Dilaudid pill as soon as I finish this diary entry.

I am proud that I avoided taking the Dilaudid for as long as possible. I am going to get better at these exercises and the pain will be staved off even longer, and eventually suppressed altogether. I can do this.

My 2nd round of bloodwork for the liver enzymes is on Wednesday. I am hoping that my liver enzymes are back to normal. It will be one less thing to worry about.

I’m PMSing

My emotions have been high – I’ve started craving coffee and salty foods again. Looking at the calendar, this tells me I am in fact PMSing – george is due not this Saturday, but next. PMS normally begins up to two weeks out for me, because god hates me.

It’s after 3pm now and I’ve not started my workday. I’m in my pajamas. I started off the day badly. I forgot again if today was workout day with my friend or not, so I got up after 6 hours of fitful sleep, got ready and went to her house, only to find she never emerged to greet me. So today *isn’t* workout day.
Instead of going to work out, I came back home. I hadn’t wanted to work out today, anyway. I went dancing Saturday night and dancing always messes my knees for a few days. I was sore from that, and then on Sunday, I helped my friend sort through stuff in her house because she’s moving. It was labour-intensive, pulling stuff down from the attic, moving big boxes around, sorting bags and bags of recyclables that never got taken out, etc, etc.
So I was sore from that, too.

Oh and the george pains started again Saturday and Sunday. Mittleschmerz I think it’s called. I had to take 600mg Ibuprofen yesterday. The pains were shooting through my ass, and it was difficult to sit down. Then again, I’d had an espresso milkshake on Saturday – that’s two forbidden items on my list at the same time – caffeine and dairy. I bet that’s what set off the cramps.

I went back to bed after my man left for the gym this morning, and within half an hour, a car accident occurred right outside the house. The crash woke me up and I ran to the front window to see how bad it was. Old man in a truck vs. a woman in a compact. Both were ambulatory and exchanging info. But the sound was all it took to make me flash back to the car accident I was in back in 1994.

I tried to go back to sleep after pacing the house for several minutes. When I did get back to sleep, I had nightmares of magnitude 7 earthquakes and people being double-crossed; stabbed to death, poisoned, choked, and suchlike.

My phone woke me from my nightmares – it was my man calling to check in on me. This made me feel even worse – he knew I’d gone back to bed. This makes me feel even more like a slacker and a good-for-nothing to someone who already doesn’t trust me to deliver a business I said I would.

Of course, he’ll never say he doesn’t trust me. He’ll never say he doesn’t mind supporting me.

I feel like I’m just a sponge – the thing he’d feared in all women has come true. His extreme independence and materialism is compromised.

Sometimes I dream of being single again, because then I’d have nothing to lose and I could have my business, and do it right, and do it on my terms, in my own time frame.

But then where would I live when no money is coming in? Even if I were single, I’d still have to pay rent and buy groceries, and pay basic bills for heating and electricity somehow.

The short of it is that I need and want to be a dependent in order to get my business off the ground, and it’s not fair that no one is willing to play along with me on this. :p

Oh and don’t forget, I still have to plan a wedding.

I don’t want to get married right now. There’s too much going on without the hassle of a wedding – a wedding that to me is useless because we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’re already married in spirit. Why can’t he see that? Why does he need a $1,000 ring to show people that he’s married already?

That’s the other thing. I’ve had SO MUCH SHIT about getting a ring cuz all the rings I like are over $1,000. Then the ring he picks and HAS TO HAVE is $1,000.



I just need to go cry, now.

5:17pm Edit: Well, I didn’t cry. I whimpered a bit. Then I sucked it up, and started doing the chores I’d assigned myself to do today.
I called a friend, who said she will go to Berkeley w/ me Thursday or Friday to distribute biz cards.
I will distribute around town this week.
I will refresh my listings on the search engines.

I plug ahead even as the cord is about to be cut.

I don’t know why I bother.

george gone?

The pain and bleeding went away overnight. I took a nice hot shower this morning and afterwards, the bleeding returned, but only mildly so. The cramps wanted to come back but were also mild. I popped an Ibuprofen600 immediately.

For the rest of today, no cramps, no bleeding. I have had intermittent moderate low back pain, and moderate fatigue for much of the day, however.

So far this cycle, I got my period late on Wednesday (11pm), and only spotting. I then had one day of heavy bleeding and major cramping (Thursday). I then had another day of moderate to major cramping but the bleeding wasn’t as heavy – it was more moderate (Friday). And then, nothing today.

A two-day period? No, I can’t believe that one. I think tomorrow will be what my fiance likes to call the “last gasp” before the period is over for another month. My period is fond of doing this – going away for up to a full day, then returning for full on murder for a day, and then going away for another month.

I took advantage of the break in my period and spent the afternoon out of the house with my man. We looked at two potential wedding venues and a potential rehearsal dinner venue. We also went back to a jewelry store we’d liked a couple weeks ago – I think this is the place we’re gonna get our rings! :D

We capped off the evening by firing the rehearsal dinner venue (Olive Garden is not gluten-free friendly enough for me) and instead we went across the street to another restaurant, called Market Broiler. Now that restaurant is on our list of potential rehearsal dinner spots. ;)

We shall see what tomorrow brings for me, or if I’m free for another month.

Weddingness (and george)

George seems to be going away, now. The cramps went away last night by around 9pm, and didn’t return until I was out shopping with my friend early this afternoon. When the cramps and bleeding returned, it was mild. It seems to have dissipated again.

The store I went to with a friend wasn’t on the Sunday Wedding Dress Shopping agenda – I skipped that this week due to george. I’ll be hitting wedding shops tomorrow, though. Anyway, while I was at this local consignment shop, I saw a black dress, and my friend said she’d been eyeballing that one for me, and wanted me to try it on. So I did, and IT FIT PERFECTLY. It’s a black gown, a-line style dress. My friend convinced me that if I don’t use it for my wedding dress, I can always use it for other nice events, or to go to Convergence. And the price? Only $38.

Twist my arm! I bought it!

When I came home, I decided to give my father a call. Yes, I caved in, first. I called and sounded chipper, and in like fashion, both he and his wife were chipper. I asked if he’d read the last email I sent. He said he had, and said it’s okay, he’ll deal, but he’s still not happy with the idea of a Halloween theme, nor is he happy with how expensive our tastes are. Ahhh, ok, so here’s part of the confusion. I told him I’d sent him all that to let him know we needed a baseline from him – that we were looking at all these venues not knowing what kind of budget we’d be gifted with from him. My father finally gave me a firm budget he wants to gift us with, and now we can continue looking at more reasonable venues. This also means I have to talk with my man again about the reality of our budget, and see if his father and father’s wife are willing to budge on their “no money til we see a signed marriage license” nonsense.
It is likely that the guest list is going to have to be halved, sad to say. We just don’t have the money even for a $10K wedding, now, unless we put it on a credit card or two. It’s good to finally have solid numbers to work with, though. No more dreamland wedding planning.

I have my energy back today, and got some housework done. I also went crazy looking for wedding pix of friends so I can use these for ideas in planning my own wedding.


Today the george pain was bad enough that I took a total of two Tylenol3’s throughout the day, and an ibuprofen600. That’s not as bad as it was last month when I had to be on T3 every 4 hours for a few days. Ugh. I realised just how much of that shit I took when I grabbed the bottle of pills today and wondered why so many were missing. No wonder my liver enzymes are high!

Today while working on my astrology site (got about five hours of work done today), I got thee worst migraine. I don’t normally get migraines, but honestly, I can’t remember getting one this bad before. I had to dim the monitor to the lowest setting, dim the overhead light, and set the background to all of my open windows from white to dark grey. I couldn’t listen to streaming audio anymore because the sound pierced my ears, even on low volume. Even the clicky of the keyboard made my eardrums feel like they might burst. Even drinking caffinated tea didn’t help the headache go away. I felt nauseated, too. I took frequent breaks and finally called it quits after 5 hours of work.

I laid down but my back hurt from the george pain. I put my rice heating pad over my forehead and eyes and that helped ease the headache pain. When I got up, my left eye was swollen and bloodshot!! I think all told, I took two naps and slept a total of two hours today. This of course means I’ll be up all night. It’s already after midnight. Then again, the george pain is returning…if I take a Tylenol3, I’ll hopefully be out again.

My friend came over on her birthday to deliver an alternative remedy called HeadOn. She’s adorably sweet. We often have pill exchange for our health issues, heh…
She took one look at my face and eye and told me that’s exactly what a migraine does to one who suffers frequently from them. Ugh, I truly sympathise with her, and with my old coworker who gets them so bad that he is left bedridden.

Anyway, I had my doubts this HeadOn thing would work, and I was right in a sense. The headache and eye pain never did go away, but the menthol in the HeadOn stick makes my forehead and temples feel tingly, almost numb, and cooled down instead of feverish. So all I gotta do is just get some peppermint tea on a washcloth to get the same effect next time. I won’t be using this HeadOn stuff again, now that I know one of the ingredients is a known carcinogen!!!!

My man gave me a massage tonight, which felt sooooo good. Too bad he can only massage me for up to ten minutes before calling it quits because his hands and arms hurt. Ah well. If only I could afford to go to my masseuse regularly.

Regarding my father, I didn’t hear from him all day after sending the email explaining our stance for a themed wedding. Last night I had nightmares all night. I’m just going to wait for him to call me or write back to me. Ball’s in his court.

The bleeding’s really ramping up again, so I’m gonna go.